Atone (Recovered Innocence #2)(27)

I’m so far out of my depth with him. I don’t know what to do with him and I don’t want to do without him. Whatever this is between us is the biggest thing that’s ever happened to me. It feels inevitable, like we’re opposite poles of a magnet, drawn toward each other by some unseen force. If either of us tried to walk away, some other circumstances would force us back together. From that first moment in the reception area of the office, we connected. Maybe it’s just for the time being. Maybe we’ll get what we want or need from each other, then move on. But right now we’re exactly where we’re supposed to be.

The past few years I’ve learned a lot about trying to live in the moment and to just be. It’s taken me a long time to get here. When I think about all I’ve been through, it feels as though it happened to a different person. And yet when I read Marie’s Tumblr I was brought right back to where I started. Maybe I need to go back to go forward. I drift off to sleep, thinking about how far I’ve come and how much farther I still have to go and what part Beau will play.

—

I wake up to someone pounding on my skull with a thousand little hammers. The room is dark, but daylight glows around the edges of the curtains. What time is it? I try to move, but I’m pinned down. Beau’s arm is banded around me just under my breasts. His leg weighs down my legs. He faces away from me on his stomach, snoring loud enough to wake the whole motel. The sound is doing terrible things to the inside of my head. Next to me the clock reads six fifteen. My mouth feels like it’s been stuffed with cotton, then glued shut. I need the bathroom and a glass of water in that order. I shove at Beau, but he doesn’t respond. I try shouting as loud as my head will let me and push at him. I manage to get him to stop snoring for about two seconds, then he goes back to splitting my eardrums.

I raise my hand as high as I can get it and smack him hard on his bare ass. He jumps.

Groaning, he grips his head. “Fuuuuuck.”

I jab him with my elbow. “Get off me so I can pee.”

He moves his leg, still complaining about his head, and I slip out of bed and do my business. I come back with two glasses of water and a bottle of painkillers. Beau’s on his back, rubbing his eyes, making grumbling noises about all the drinking we did last night.

“Here.” I give him a glass and pour four pills into his hand.

I take some too and down the whole glass of water, then climb back into bed. Closing my eyes, I wait for the painkillers to do their work, trying to move as little as possible.

“Getting drunk sucks,” Beau says and groans. “Why do people do it?”

“It was fun last night.”

“But not worth it this morning. My f*cking head.”

“Quieter, please.”

“Are you all right?”

“I’m trying real hard to keep the pills down.”

“No, I mean about what we did.”

Cracking an eye, I turn to look at him. “The sex stuff?”

“Yeah.” There’s a deep crease between his brows.

I throw an arm over my eyes and try to focus on not vomiting in front of him. “I’m fine. It was great. You’re a god. Blah, blah, blah.”

His chuckle turns into a moan. “God. I am never drinking again.” His arm snakes around my middle. “I meant I didn’t take advantage of you, did I? The drinking…”

“I think at the end there it was me taking advantage of you.”

“That part was pretty awesome.” I can hear the smile in his voice. He kisses my shoulder. “You’re sure about having the birth control covered?”

“Totally covered. No worries there.”

“If anything does happen, I’m here for whatever you want.” He lays his head on my shoulder. His hair tickles my chin. “Shit. I really suck at this. I know better than anyone not to take chances like that. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for that to happen.”

“It takes two to tango, Captain. I just need to know you’re clean and we’re all good.”

“I am. One hundred percent.”

“Can we go back to sleep now?”

“Just one more thing.”

“God, you’re chatty in the morning.”

I can feel his face crease into a smile. “Not usually.”

“What is it?”

He runs his thumb along my collarbone in light, caressing strokes. “I don’t do stuff like that. I’m not…That’s not me. I don’t f*ck around.”

“Me either.” He has no idea how much I don’t f*ck around.

“Okay. That’s all I wanted to get straight.”

“Does this mean we’re going steady now?”

“Yeah, I guess so.”

“Glad that’s settled. Go to sleep and try not to snore.”

“I don’t snore.” He sounds genuinely insulted.

“Oh, but you do.”

“Do not.”

“I’ll record you and prove it.”

“Is it really that bad? Are you not going to want to sleep with me anymore?”

“I’ll get earplugs.”

“I’ll buy them for you.”

“Go to sleep.”

“Yes, ma’am.”