Actual Stop (Agent O’Connor #1)(38)

“And?”

Damn. I’d been hoping she’d deny it. I wouldn’t have believed her, but I could have claimed I’d taken her at her word later. “And I just don’t think the best way to have this conversation is when one of us is drunk.”

“I’m not saying anything to you now that I wouldn’t say sober.”

“Oh.”

“So? Are you going to answer my question?”

“I just…I don’t know what to say. I mean, you’ve never seemed interested in feelings before.”

She scowled at me darkly. “What do you think we’ve been doing all this time?”

“I…I hadn’t ever taken the time to label it. I didn’t think you had either.”

“Jesus f*cking Christ.” She sounded miserable. I didn’t think she could have sounded any more upset if I’d had an orgy right in front of her. But I still had no idea what I’d done to make her feel that way.

“What is this about, Luce? You’re obviously not upset because we haven’t talked about our feelings.”

“No, I’m upset because I saw you.”

I was perplexed and waited for clarification. None came. “You saw me what?”

“I saw you guys together this morning at the diner. After I left. Through the window. I saw you.”

Okay, now she just wasn’t making any sense. I had no idea what she was referring to, but I knew damn well that neither Allison nor I had done anything to warrant this kind of a reaction. I couldn’t wait to hear her explanation. It had to be good.

“Luce, I don’t know what you think you saw, but I promise, nothing happened. Not at the diner. Not anywhere.” I’d almost slipped and mentioned Allison’s hotel room but caught myself at the last second. Thank God. That wouldn’t have gone over well. Not when she obviously thought I’d been up to no good to begin with.

Lucia had turned to face me and was studying me with an intensity that made me extremely uncomfortable. Her eyes scoured my face, leaving marks I could practically feel. Her eyebrows rose, and her lips parted in surprise as realization flooded her eyes.

“You really don’t know, do you?” Her voice was soft, barely louder than a whisper.

“Know what?”

Lucia’s expression produced an ache inside me. “I’ve waited half a year for you to look at me with a fraction of the adoration I saw in your eyes when you looked at her.”

Well, shit. First Stacey, now Lucia. Could everyone in the world see that I still had feelings for Allison? My blood ran cold as a new thought occurred to me. Could Allison see it? Nausea gripped me as it dawned on me that she most likely could. Well, wasn’t that just perfect?

I opened my mouth to say something, anything, but nothing came out. How could it? I didn’t even know what to say. So many conflicting thoughts and feelings were assailing me, no wonder I couldn’t form a coherent sentence.

I wanted to deny it but was afraid any denunciation would come out sounding halfhearted. And Lucia deserved better than lies from me. Hell, she deserved better than the truth, too, but clearly I’d f*cked that up royally.

“At least I know it isn’t me,” Lucia mumbled sullenly.

“Luce—”

She held up a hand. “No. Don’t. Do not patronize me by denying what I saw with my own two eyes. You know what? It’s fine. Really. At least now I know why I could never get you to love me.”

“Were you trying to?” The words were out of my mouth and sounded way more surprised than I’d have liked.

“Did you really not know that?”

Fuck. I didn’t want to have this conversation. Not now. Not when she was bombed, and I was exhausted. I paused and prayed for my phone to ring, for any excuse to flee the scene and leave this unfinished until I’d had some time to think. None came.

“I told you when we started this that I wasn’t relationship material. You said you were fine with that.”

“Yeah, well, things changed.” Her brow furrowed, and her eyes were murderous. Her admission seemed to irritate her.

I took a deep breath and mentally squashed all the insects that were buzzing around just beneath the surface of my skin. “Okay. Things have changed. So let’s have a calm, rational discussion about that.”

She went on as if I’d never spoken. “I’d always wondered why you were emotionally bankrupt. Nice to be able to put a face to the reason.”

Ouch. Emotionally bankrupt? Was she serious? Is that how she saw me?

Her words hit bone, and I winced against the sharp gouges of pain they left. I’d always thought we had a good relationship. I’d gone out of my way to dote on her and make her feel beautiful and special. And I’d been under the impression that I’d done a passable job. She’d never indicated that she needed anything I hadn’t been giving her.

How, then, did I reconcile the past with the words she’d just flung at me? Part of what’d prompted her to say that was the mix of emotions she was mired in, but what if a nugget of truth were in there somewhere? What if some small piece of her really did see me as emotionally bankrupt?

However, a small part of me railed against Lucia and her accusations. Like I said, I’ll take my lumps when and where I deserve them, but I wasn’t willing to accept this. She was speaking as if I felt absolutely nothing for her, as if I’d used her. She was acting like I’d deliberately misled her and then cheated on her, and nothing could be further from the truth.