Actual Stop (Agent O’Connor #1)(37)

“You’ve never mentioned her.”

“No.”

“Why?”

I shrugged. “Nothing to say. She’s in the past. Why discuss it?”

“Did you sleep with her?”

“I assume you mean tonight.” Nice to know she trusted me.

“Yes.”

“No. I didn’t.”

“Are you sure?”

I snorted and rolled my eyes. “I think I’d remember. How the hell can you even ask me that?”

“You wanted to, though, didn’t you?”

I hesitated, and that was apparently all the response Lucia needed. She wrapped her arms around her middle and began rocking back and forth as if in intense pain. She closed her eyes, and one lone tear from each leaked out and made slow tracks down her cheeks. Shit. I should’ve just lied to her about that part. Unfortunately, lying outside of an undercover op had never been my strong suit.

“Luce.”

“What?”

“Come on.”

“Come on, what? You wanted to sleep with someone else.”

“It wasn’t like that.”

“What was it like, then?” Her tone was razor sharp and cutting.

“It wasn’t a completely formed thought. Not entirely.” Well, except for those brief mental pictures I’d had of Allison in the shower. But they’d been fleeting, and I’d pushed past them as quickly as I could.

“So, what? You were just turned on then?”

“Yes.” I was relieved she seemed to comprehend my dilemma.

She laughed bitterly. “Perfect.”

I frowned. Okay, perhaps she hadn’t understood quite as well as I’d hoped. I wracked my brain, desperate for a better way to explain it to her. “Just a little.”

“There is no such thing as cheating a little bit, Ryan.”

“I didn’t cheat on you!” Was it even possible to cheat on her if we’d never talked about the status of our relationship? I wasn’t sure. I also didn’t want to bring it up.

“You were aroused by another woman!”

“What? You’ve never been attracted to anyone else since we’ve been together?”

“So you admit it, then.”

Damn. I’d walked right into that one. I wanted to smack myself upside the head. Stupid. “Yes. Fine. I admit it. I was a little turned on tonight. But nothing happened.”

“Oh, my God.”

“It isn’t like that’s something I can help, Luce.”

“She’s your ex, Ryan!”

“So?”

“So, that makes it a little different than you just being attracted to some random woman you’ve met on the street.”

“But it’s no different than if you were turned on by Jessie.” I thought I’d hit upon the perfect example that she could relate to.

Agony streaked across her features, and I instantly knew I’d said the wrong thing. “I am not attracted to Jessie,” she spat, her voice venomous.

My heart seized at the heat in her tone, and I clenched my hands into fists on my knees. “No. I wasn’t saying that. But, if you were, it’d make sense. I mean, you guys were together before, so you must’ve been attracted to her at some point. And just because you might feel a spark for her now, it doesn’t necessarily threaten what’s between you and me. That’s all I was trying to say.”

Lucia bit her lower lip and shook her head. Her eyes were brimming with anguish and distrust. “Did she make a pass at you?”

That was laughable in a twisted, painful sort of way. “No. She didn’t.”

A pause. “What if she had? Would you have f*cked her then?”

“Of course not!” At least I didn’t think I would have. The almost-kiss in the car flickered in my mind, and my shame threatened to overwhelm me. What if Allison had kissed me? Would I have stopped her? Kissed her back? Did it matter if it hadn’t happened? I hadn’t actually done anything wrong, but I still felt a shade guilty.

“I don’t understand.” Her voice was a strangled sob.

“What don’t you understand?”

“How you can still love someone who broke you?”

“Who said I still love her?”

A bitter smile tugged at the corners of Lucia’s mouth, and she tilted her head to favor me with an exasperated-yet-somehow-expectant look. “Are you saying you don’t?”

I was being led right into a trap, I was sure, but I was confused because she had nothing to trap me with. I hadn’t done anything wrong, so what was she getting at? “Where’s all this coming from, Luce?”

Lucia heaved a big sigh and looked away. “Do you love me?”

“Wh—what?”

“You heard me.”

This was karma biting me in the ass for something. It had to be. Lucia hadn’t mentioned the “l word” once in six months, and now she wanted to know where we stood? If this weren’t happening to me, I’d have laughed.

“Are you sure you want to talk about this now?” I asked hesitantly, still hoping to find a way out of this without everything messily imploding.

“What’s wrong with now?”

“You’re kind of hammered.”