Actual Stop (Agent O’Connor #1)(33)

I dug my knuckles into the edge of my eyebrow hard and forced myself not to frown. I didn’t want to still be attracted to Allison. She’d hurt me. Badly. And while a small part of me was still angry, she’d somehow managed not only to quietly overcome my ire but also to reawaken emotions I’d kept buried for a long time.

I glared at the diagrams in front of me, upset with myself and now inanely with her for making me this tied up in knots. I wanted to be over her. But I had to accept that I wasn’t, that I’d barely made any strides toward that end, and the realization was killing me.

Of course, I was seeing someone, which was also contributing heavily to my dismay. I didn’t want to hurt Lucia. She was such a wonderful person, and I really did like her. She deserved so much better than someone who clearly had trouble letting go of the past. She was worthy of someone who would offer her a fairy-tale future. My heart was breaking slowly and painfully as I questioned for the second time that day whether that someone was me.

I crumpled one of the diagrams roughly in my fist and then smoothed it out against my thigh. When it was as unwrinkled as it was going to get, I placed it back on the ottoman. Then I clenched my hands together in my lap, pushing my palms against one another hard as though I could compress the guilt that was threatening to tear me apart.

I chanced a quick glance at Allison, relieved to see that she was intently focused on her own work. I didn’t want her to catch even a vague hint of my turmoil, didn’t want her to question it. I don’t think I could’ve articulated to her exactly why I was so vexed even if I’d wanted to. Not only did I not want to get into it with her, but I also wanted to save face. We weren’t together anymore. Hell, we weren’t even friends. Not really. I hadn’t heard from her once since she’d left. I definitely didn’t owe her any kind of explanation for my moods.

What I did owe her was complete and undivided attention to this job. We had a mission to accomplish and not a lot of time. I took a long drink of water and cleared my throat.

“What have you got?” If Allison noticed that something was bothering me, she was polite enough not to mention it. Either that or I’d done a bang-up job of hiding it.

I turned the copy of one of the uncrumpled diagrams around so she could see it and laid it flat on top of the ottoman. When she leaned over to study it, I began to explain what post-standers we usually used and what I’d changed and why, gesturing to key points on the schematic with my pen.

Allison nodded and asked the occasional question or interjected a comment, but mostly she was silent. When I’d finished, she remained quiet for a long moment, obviously thinking.

“Can you get these changes inserted and have a working copy sketched out by tomorrow afternoon for the walkthrough with the boss and the site guys?”

A fissure of relief skittered through me. Without realizing it, Allison was offering me a perfect excuse to flee the scene. I tried to keep my expression from suggesting I was thrilled at the prospect of running away from her and handed her the other diagrams to look over, praying she wouldn’t ask about the one I’d mangled.

“Tell me if these are okay, and I’ll go take care of it now.”

“Ryan, it’s almost nine o’clock. We can stop at the office tomorrow morning and do it.”

“I know. But the more we get finished today, the less rushed we’ll feel as the visit approaches. If I can make the majority of the changes now, the site guys will have less work to do after the supervisor walkthroughs.”

Allison eyed me for a long moment before she shifted her attention to the diagrams in her hand. She appeared reluctant yet resigned, and I was glad she wasn’t trying to argue with me or talk me out of this.

She made a few quick notes and handed the papers back to me. As I accepted them, she padded over to the dresser and started lifting off her shirt.

My heart collapsed in on itself and rocketed off to another part of my body. I turned my head, covering my eyes with my hand. “Whoa. What the hell are you doing?” I hadn’t meant to sound so harsh, but the threat of spontaneous nudity had taken me by surprise.

I could see through the tiny gaps between my fingers that Allison was looking at me like I was crazy, but she’d stopped trying to remove her clothes. Thank God.

“I’m getting dressed.”

“Why?”

“What do you mean ‘Why?’ I’m coming with you, and I refuse to show up at the office in my pajamas.”

I shook my head. I’d planned to make the changes from the comfort of my own apartment. But I didn’t want to tell her that. Heaven forbid she want to accompany me there.

Instead, I said, “Allison, you don’t need to come.”

“Well, I don’t want you going by yourself.”

“Don’t trust me not to screw it up?” I flashed her a grin. I was purposely trying to lighten the mood. If she continued to press the issue, I was afraid I’d blurt out that I really just wanted to go home, and some small part of me really didn’t want her knowing that. It was as if admitting that would be admitting to every other outrageous thought that had recently cut jagged trails through my tangled little mind.

Sure, I recognized that one had absolutely nothing to do with the other. And regardless, Allison couldn’t read minds, so it shouldn’t make a difference. Besides, did it matter what Allison thought? Unfortunately, the rational part of me was nearly silent at the moment. So I went with misdirection.