Soul of Flame (Imdalind Series #4)(45)

I knew that if I saw Ryland right now, I would kill him on the spot. He wouldn’t hesitate to do the same to me, either.

I exhaled shakily and shook my head, squeezing Ilyan’s hands in mine as I answered his question. I could still feel Ilyan’s doubt—his concern for whether I was making the right choice—but I wasn’t backing down, not now.

Ilyan said nothing as he turned my hand over, placing the stone against my skin for the first time since before I had been trapped in the T?uha.

I inhaled sharply as the stone touched my skin, my shoulders tensing together in expectation. Part of me wanted to feel the warmth of the stone as I had for so long, the pulse of Ryland’s magic surrounding it. I had been so hesitant to touch it before, fearing the change, fearing the memories that I was sure would come along with it. However, nothing happened. The necklace was nothing except a cold, dead weight in my hand.

I stared at it before turning toward Ilyan, his focus still boring into me.

“I am going to numb your emotions with my magic, my love. You may feel nothing, or you may feel like I have drugged you. Everything should feel distanced, and you should not feel any anger.” I nodded silently at his words as his magic flooded into me, the pleasant warmth spreading through me before it congregated, swelling in the base of my neck.

“I will be here the entire time, Joclyn, ready to help if needs be.” I nodded again in understanding and then followed him to the door, his hand squeezing mine before his other made contact with the door, three hollow knocks sounding in my ears.

They were the toll of a bell, and I froze, suddenly doubting my decision, or even if I was going to be able to keep my head through this. In only a second I would hear his voice.

“I can't do this,” I moaned as I turned into Ilyan, his arms holding me against him as I let the necklace fall to the ground.

Ilyan’s tension flared as he held me, his thoughts rushing into me as his concern for me and for his brother took me off guard. Ilyan’s silent admittance of how much Ryland needed this—needed his heart—shocked me.

I had barely registered Ilyan’s thoughts before his magic flared, the warm pulse growing in my neck until the agitation left, leaving me feeling like I was floating in Ilyan’s arms.

Like I was a bubble of nothing.

Ilyan had numbed my emotions, just as he had said it would. His arms left me drifting just as a calm, loving voice I don’t think I had heard in years seeped through the door, the sound somewhat muffled by the large, wooden slab.

“Jos?”

It was Ry.

Ry.

Not the monster who had hunted me, not the boy that I had watched break apart in the T?uha. His voice was soft and kind, like it had come from a memory and not from his lips.

I turned in shock, the familiarity of his voice taking away my blissful ignorance all at once. Millions of memories washed over me at the sound, the feeling initially pleasant until the bad ones tried to take their place.

“He sounds the same. Like he used to,” I said, my voice almost a whisper as I stared at the darkened door in expectation.

“I took away his emotions and many of his memories that fuel his hatred toward you,” Ilyan said. “The bind is not permanent, at his request, and it will only last a few minutes. But with both your emotions bound, it will give you time to talk to him as you used to.”

I barely heard Ilyan. I only stepped forward, my free hand pressing against the door as I waited for Ryland to speak again, my heart beating heavily in needy expectation.

“Jos?” he asked again, and I inhaled sharply, my heart warming at the sound. “Are you there?”

“I'm here,” I gasped out, the sound strangled from the tension in my chest, and from the tears I hadn't realized I was shedding.

“Are you okay?” he asked, his voice deep as he pressed his face against the wood, probably hoping to hear better I realized and took a step closer.

“I'm fine,” I said, almost feeling like it was true and not just a forced serenity. I could still feel the pressure of Ilyan’s magic in my neck, the soft touch of his hand against mine. His magic made everything feel light, making it hard to distinguish what my real emotions were. Even though I knew the peace I felt was all forced, I didn’t care.

“I'm so sorry,” he moaned, his voice pained.

“Ry?” I asked, something in me flaring at the sound of desperation in his voice. I knew I needed to respond—to say something—but I wasn’t sure what. I was having trouble thinking through the warmth that seemed to be taking over my body. I pressed my forehead into the wood, my eyes closing at the rough and coarse texture that ground against me.

“I’m sorry I was selfish,” he said, his voice loud and rumbling through the wood. “I am sorry that I hurt you. I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough to protect you. I don’t want to lose you, Jos,”

The deep pleading of his voice caught me off guard, turning the momentary comfort into vapor. My hand pressed into Ilyan’s as my spine stiffened, a small spike of fear winding its way through Ilyan’s oppressive magic. I heard Ryland; I understood what he was saying, but there was one very important piece of the puzzle that I wasn’t quite sure he was comprehending, one that I had almost forgotten.

Even though we were numb, even though for these few precious moments everything felt fine, it didn’t change everything. I wanted my best friend back as well, but I was afraid we were both too broken for that to ever happen.