Soul of Flame (Imdalind Series #4)(46)

Even though Ryland sounded the same right then, he wasn’t the same as he had been, and the person he was now still terrified me. I clawed my fingers into the wood as the muscles tensed in my back. Ilyan’s magic responded immediately to soothe the tautness away.

“I don’t want to lose who you were, Ryland,” I admitted, “but I can’t trust who you are… I mean…” My throat closed up as words failed me, my chest tightening. Part of me was still terrified about how he would react to what I had to say.

I waited in the silence, Ilyan’s hand leaving mine to run over the skin of my arm, the gentle contact soothing me further, but it wasn’t quite enough.

I lifted my other hand to the door, almost wishing I could open it and speak to him face to face. I knew that was impossible, but just the thought brought the image of Ryland gasping for breath to mind, something deep inside rejoicing at the memory and calling for blood.

“I know what you mean. Part of me still loves you, Jos. Part of me is desperate for you, but then I close my eyes and that you vanishes. I’m only left with the nightmares my father gave me,” Ryland said, his voice soft as he repeated the words that had just gone through my mind.

It wasn’t just me; it was Ryland, too. He was trapped in the same middle-ground hell that his father had created for us with the sole purpose of keeping us apart in the hopes that, sooner or later, one would kill the other and break the sight apart. It had almost happened, too.

“It’s not fair,” I moaned, trying to ignore the stinging in my eyes, the guilt at what I had tried to do, and the anger at what Edmund had done to us.

“Jos… if you weren’t scared of me, if you didn’t want to fight me so bad… do you think… I mean... could we…” The tension in me grew the longer Ryland spoke, the intentions of what he was saying bringing back the tidal wave of fear. No matter how much Ilyan tried to work against it, it kept coming.

“What? Be together? Replace the bond?” I spat, disgusted. The idea was almost laughable even in my numbed state. I knew it wouldn’t work, and even if it did, those feelings that I had for him had been killed over the months that I had run from him. Whether I was trapped in reality or not, the love I had once felt was gone, and I didn’t think there was any way to get it back.

“No, Jos,” he said as the small amount of tension that had escaped Ilyan’s hold vanished. “I wasn’t lying when I said that I loved you and would do anything for you, but I don’t think I can anymore. I loved you once, but I can’t deny that part of me that wants to kill you. I’m trying to fight it, but it will always be there. I don’t want to risk hurting you. I need to let you go. You need to let me go, so that we can both heal.”

My hands dropped from the door at his words, shock wrapping around me at what he was saying. I supposed I should have been more upset—my heart should have broken—yet it wasn’t. Because I was free. Free from a relationship that had only caused me pain.

“Besides, I don’t think my intentions of being with you were the most honorable,” he said, his voice fading away as he turned from me.

“Did Ilyan tell you to say that?” I said, the laugh in my voice sounding a bit more accusatory than I intended it to be.

“What? No. I still have a hard time with it, but Ilyan is good. Really good. He makes me feel like I am actually part of a family who loves me.”

My eyes opened in shock at his words, my head turning to Ilyan, but he wasn’t looking at me. He was focused on the door, his lips in a tight line as relief radiated off him, as he tried to lock his joy inside. His thoughts flew through me, memories of all the siblings he had helped, and all the ones he had failed, mixing with his fear that the same would happen to Ryland. However, Ryland had dashed all of that and had given Ilyan joy. Joy that Ryland was calming, and that Ilyan was going to be able to help him, that he may not lose him.

I pulled my hand away from the door and wrapped it around Ilyan’s, my groggy magic flowing into him. We stood in silence like that, Ilyan’s relief mixing with the numb bliss he had already given me until I felt like I could float away.

“I miss my best friend.” Ryland’s voice came from the door after a few minutes, and I turned toward it, the drugged feeling swimming through me with the quick movement. “I miss laughing and joking. I miss you.”

“I miss you,too, Ry,” I whispered, not sure he could hear me. “But I don’t think I can—”

“I know,” he interrupted, his voice just as soft as mine.

I could hear the desperation in his voice, the gentle longing so powerful that I couldn’t help but agree. I nodded quietly, knowing he couldn’t see, but unable to put into words the fears and hopes that plagued my own mind. Right then, it was my chance to make things better, possibly the only one I would get.

I looked down at the necklace on the floor, my heart beating wildly in my chest. Maybe we weren’t quite as broken as I thought.

Ilyan followed me as I sunk down to the floor, my back pressing against the door frame as I sat on the stone floor, my fingers curling around the fine silver chain.

“I have something for you, Ry. Something that might help.” I raised my voice to make sure he could hear, and moved the necklace under the crack in the door, careful to keep my fingers on my side.

“Jos? What?” Ryland asked, his voice rising in confusion. Even though he knew why he was here, I was sure he couldn’t see it.