A Terrible Fall of Angels (Zaniel Havelock #1)(100)

“That’s fascinating, but do they all see their totems this clearly? I know many people can’t see their Guardian Angels, but they still believe in them and they still work with them and ask them for help,” I said.

“Most people can’t see their totems just like most people can’t see angels,” Emma said, “but they still collect images, figurines, anything and everything with their totem on it. Sometimes they don’t know why they do it, and other times they know that’s their animal, but they don’t understand what it means. They just know they’re incredibly drawn to wolf, or rabbit, or swallow and it makes them happy.”

“Do real animals show up?” I asked.

“They can; doves show up a lot around me. Sometimes a real animal will show up to warn you of danger, or give you a message by being somewhere you wouldn’t expect them, or by doing something that’s weird for the animal,” she said.

“Once Emma explained what was happening, I realized I’d been seeing orangutans on a poster for the zoo, in TV commercials, and there’s this one special about them that was playing every time anyone turned on a TV around me. There’d even been a little girl at the bus stop who had a stuffed toy, and a little boy who was coloring a picture of one on the bus on another day.”

“Totems aren’t nearly as circumspect as angels,” Emma said.

“You sure you don’t see any other totems in the room, Z?”

I glanced back at the people at the tables, looked harder at the new ones in line, and then at the staff behind the coffee bar. The blonde at the next table wasted another come-hither smile on me, which I did my best to ignore. I was looking for spirit animals, not blondes. “Could the bar hide a smaller totem from me, just like they were a real animal?” I asked.

“If you’re meant to see them, you’ll see them,” Emma said.

I turned back to her and Jamie and caught movement out of the corner of my eye. I looked for someone and then realized there was a wall there, so it couldn’t be a person, but there was something there. I looked down and there was a raccoon under the table. I startled as if it had been real, and then looked into the little masked face. I remembered Ravensong’s raccoon. It looked the same to me.

“Can someone share their totem with you?”

“You mean send it to give you a message?”

“Maybe,” I said, looking at the little animal where it stood on its hind legs looking up at me. It had one paw on the seat beside me and I had a serious urge to try to touch the clawed fingers; that reminded me of how I’d left Ravensong with a hand that was no longer human.

The raccoon reached its paw up toward me and trilled at me, that was the only word I had for it. I reached my finger out toward that small, raised hand and felt calmer. My finger touched its palm and the finger wrapped around the tip of my finger. It wasn’t solid-solid, not real for lack of a better term, but for a second, I swear I felt something. It startled me, made me take my hand back. I didn’t know if I wanted to wipe my hand on napkins to get the sensation off my skin, or if I wanted to touch it and see if I could feel its fur like a phantom touch.

“What in Heaven is that?” I asked.

“What does it look like?” Emma asked.

I leaned over the table toward them as if it was a secret, so I could say, “A raccoon.”

“Do you know someone with one as a totem?” Emma asked.

“Yes, could she have sent it to me?”

“Does she know that you could see it?”

I nodded.

“Is she a witch, or shaman?”

“Witch,” I said.

“She could send her totem to give you a message or even watch over you if she thought you were in danger, but that’s usually a real version of the animal, and it’s usually only done if they are very close to you. Have you ever been in a relationship with this friend?”

“No.”

“Some witches will send their totems to look in on loved ones, children, lovers, but not usually just friends.”

I looked under the table, but the raccoon was gone, and I was relieved; when I looked up at the others their totems were gone, too.

“I’ve seen you stand up to demons, Z; why did this spook you?” Jamie asked.

“It didn’t,” I lied, and then the look in his face made me say, “I don’t know, but spooked is a good word for it. I’m not afraid, but it did bother me.”

“Please tell me it’s not some guy thing where you don’t think a raccoon is a manly enough totem for you?” Emma said. She quirked an eyebrow at me.

I smiled and laughed, trying to think my way through it before I answered. “I don’t think so, but it’s just it looks identical to the raccoon of my friend, but I’m new to this so maybe I just don’t know the animal well enough to see differences.”

“It could be an animal messenger instead of a totem,” she said.

“What’s the difference?” I asked.

“A messenger comes to deliver a message or a life lesson, but it’s not your co-walker, and it’s usually only a temporary companion.”

“Do you think doing magic with my friend’s totem activated it for me?”

“It could,” she said, but not like she believed it.