Twelve Steps to Normal(80)

Alex was right. I am scared of change.

If I really wanted to better myself, I’d be kinder, like Nonnie. I’d learn to be patient, like Saylor. I’d be generous, like Peach. These were all things worth accomplishing, not a petty list designed with the intention of bringing my life back to the way it was a year ago. Because despite what I thought, struggling to live with an alcoholic father and no maternal support wasn’t ever going to be normal. Living in a house with people who actually care about you… that’s more normal than anything else.

Nonnie stands up. “C’mon, let’s go rot our teeth on Peach and Saylor’s candy apples.”

I hesitate. She notices.

“Don’t be worried,” she tells me. “They’re human, too.”





THIRTY THREE


ALEX REFUSES TO ACKNOWLEDGE MY existence. He completely ignores me in Algebra II on Monday when I try and talk to him, and when we meet for Earth Club after school, he leaves before I have a chance to explain myself. I know he’s probably going to work on Audrey II in the theater wing, but if he’s not talking to me here then why would he talk to me there?

“He was sure in a hurry,” Lin says as the door closes behind Alex. She raises an eyebrow at me. “Everything okay?”

I swallow the lump in my throat as I stare at the closed door. I’ve disappointed so many people on my twelve-steps list, but Alex feels like the worst. He’s someone who’s always been there for me. How could I be so awful to him? Especially after he was vulnerable and open about his feelings toward me. I know he was only trying to make sure I was okay that day in the cafeteria, but I was scared about my secret getting out.

Still. It’s not an excuse.

No wonder he doesn’t want anything to do with me.

I haven’t apologized to anyone aside from Nonnie. I’m too consumed by shame. But despite how horrible I’d been, everyone has been kind. On Halloween, Peach saved me a candy apple and my dad let me watch Nightmare on Elm Street with everyone even though I was technically still grounded. He even made popcorn the way I like it—with M&M’s mixed in—and Wallis curled up next to my feet throughout the whole movie.

I’ve hidden so much already. I’m tired of hiding.

I tug at the end of my gray sweater and glance at Lin. “There are some things I should tell you.”

I explain everything. About how well my dad is doing and how he’s trying to fix things between us. About Alex and our kiss and all the time we’ve spent together since I’ve been back. I tell her about Peach, how she gets up ridiculously early to work at the bakery. I talk about Saylor and his yoga habits, how he’s patient with me when he helps me with my homework. I tell her about Nonnie and her neon safari animal obsession and how Freddie Mercury saved her life. I explain how worried I was about Margaret finding out about them and possibly sending me back to Portland. I talk until my throat is dry and my voice is cracking and a tiny piece of weight is released from my chest.

Lin sits on top of one of the empty desks and listens. When I finish, she’s quiet for a moment. I worry I’ve disappointed her, too.

“Wow,” she finally says. “They don’t sound bad at all.”

I glance up at her. “Really?”

She widens her eyes like, duh. “You said Peach wants to run her own pastry business? That’s pretty cool, right?”

I nod, realizing it is.

“Saylor does yoga? I’ve always wanted to try that.”

“He loves teaching.”

She goes quiet again. I watch as she cleans her lenses on her shirt that’s patterned with little white daisies.

“I know you probably don’t want to hear this,” she says while adjusting her frames on the bridge of her nose. “But it was really cool of your dad to let them stay.”

I honestly didn’t expect this reaction, but I’m not mad. It’s a relief that she’s being so understanding. “You think so?”

“Yeah. I mean, it wasn’t fair the way you found out, but he seems like he’s trying a lot harder than he was before.”

“He is.” I pick at a loose thread on my sleeve. “But I was afraid Margaret wouldn’t understand if she found out, and that she’d send me back to Portland.”

“Margaret, your social worker?”

I nod. “She called me the first night back and was like, ‘if there’s any unusual behavior with your dad, call me and we’ll send you back to your aunt.’ And him inviting all these people to live with us was unusual for me, obviously. So I felt like if I wanted to stay here, no one could know.”

She thinks for a moment. “She probably just meant if he was drinking again, right? Or if you suspected anything like that? But I guess it must have been a shock to find out they moved into your house while you were gone. And you couldn’t have known the very first night that they weren’t going to be a problem.”

“No,” I agree. “I guess that’s why I was scared. That if anyone found out, they’d think living with four alcoholics wasn’t a good environment. Then it would get back to Margaret and my life would be uprooted again.”

“Of course. But…” She considers her next words. “I mean, how was Alex supposed to know all that?”