Twelve Steps to Normal(77)

“You will not talk to me like that in this house, do you understand?”

I ignore him. The feelings I thought I’d processed erupt to the surface. All I wanted was for my twelve steps to get me my normal life back, and now Alex knows something’s up—the whole neighborhood knows by now, probably—and my dad doesn’t care. He doesn’t see that them being here is a problem, not a solution.

Nonnie and Saylor have disappeared.

Good. It’s about time they learned to leave.

I look down. The ceramic is cold in my trembling hands. “You’re not the only one who lost Grams, and when I needed you, you couldn’t be there for me. You put more effort into this than you did with me, Dad. For months.”

And then I do something I don’t expect.

I drop the dish.

The noise startles me as it shatters into a thousand tiny shards on the tile floor. For a moment, neither of us moves. I’ve shocked my father into silence.

My breathing is staggered, but I find my words. I find the feelings I’ve kept from him for so long. “If I had the choice to come back and live here without you, I would have done it in a heartbeat. It wasn’t only you who left, you know that, right? Because of you, I had to leave my friends, my boyfriend, everything behind. And I come back and my life is just—just fucked up now! And it’s your fault. Then you invite these strangers into our home and—honestly? I’ve been covering for you because if Margaret found out, she’d want you back in rehab. And we both know where that would leave me. So yeah, I hate that they’re here. Don’t you get it? It’s not normal.”

His face crumples, and I know I’ve irreversibly hurt him. The fight has left his eyes.

I pass by Nonnie and Saylor on my way upstairs, but neither of them try and stop me. I know they heard my outburst, but I can’t find the strength to care.

It’s my dad’s turn to pick up the pieces.





THIRTY ONE


NOBODY BOTHERS ME FOR THE rest of the evening, and the next morning I wake up early enough to get ready before anyone is awake. I don’t want to face them. It’s cowardly, but I’m still rattled from my outburst last night. As soon as I hear Peach lock herself in the bathroom, I walk to school with an entire hour to kill.

I avoid Alex for the first half of the morning. I don’t stop by my locker, and I take a different route to history so I won’t run into him as he’s leaving theater. I have no idea what I’m going to tell him, or how to answer the questions he’ll undoubtedly ask. He sent me a worried text once he was home—is everything ok?—but I didn’t reply. I didn’t know what to say.

When lunch rolls around, I buy two slices of pizza and slide into my spot next to Lin. Everyone is sitting at the table, except for Colton, who is mysteriously absent.

“Halloween weekend is almost upon us,” Breck announces, then nudges Jay. “And we got the invite to a senior party at Winsor Lake.”

Raegan snorts. “Trashy.”

Ever since Breck was voted Homecoming King, his confidence has been at an all-time high. Lin explained that she’s been letting him ride this wave only because it’s given him a boost in decathlon practice, which he has apparently been crushing.

Whitney glares at Jay. “You weren’t going to tell me?”

Lin gives me a look like, typical.

Jay immediately looks uncomfortable. He clears his throat. “I don’t even know if I’m going—”

“Dude!” Breck interjects. “You said you would.”

Whitney rolls her eyes. “Whatever. Have fun in that STD cesspool.”

“Hey, guys!”

I turn toward the voice. Colton is striding toward us. He’s wearing a typical band T-shirt with a dark green and gray flannel shirt over it, but it’s his smile that’s different. His braces are gone.

He takes in our blank stares. “It’s me, Colton.”

“We know that, dork.” Whitney laughs. “You’re still recognizable without a metal mouth. Congrats, by the way.”

“They took them off this morning.” Colton slides in the seat across from Jay. “I’m a free man.”

“Does this mean you’re giving up toothpicks?” I ask.

Colton shoots me a playful glare. “Hey, toothpicks are good oral hygiene.”

“They’re also disgusting,” Raegan adds.

“Kira?”

My smile fades at the sound of my name. I turn toward the voice, my stomach twisting into knots as I see Alex standing a few feet from our table. Despite the six pairs of eyes currently focused on him, his worried stare finds only mine.

I feel the shame swell over me again. I know why he’s here. He wants to make sure I’m okay, because that’s the type of guy he is. I should feel grateful, but instead I feel my defenses rise.

“Hi,” I say, but it comes out colder than we both expect.

He’s clearly uncomfortable, tugging on the back of his beanie. “I just wanted to see how you were.”

It’s a kind gesture, but I inwardly cringe. Because if he’s going out of his way to come over here to check in on me, then he knows something’s wrong. The last thing I need are his questions. It’s a stinging reminder of how awful I acted toward my dad last night.