Twelve Steps to Normal(85)

“Sorry.” Jay suddenly looks embarrassed for being here. “I tried texting you.”

“My phone’s charging upstairs,” is the only thing I can think to say.

“Oh. Right.” He shakes his head. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to just show up.”

I blink at him. Once. Twice. This is weird. I mean, at lunch Jay practically acts like I don’t exist. It’s not supposed to be like this. Him, showing up here, like he did when we were dating. It feels like a betrayal to Whitney.

“So, uh,” I start, “is everything okay?”

“Not really.” He looks at his Nikes. Then back at me. “Whitney broke up with me.”

I feel my eyes widen. That’s not what I expected to hear, let alone from Jay. If anyone, I would have heard it from Whitney first.

My stomach tightens. Well, I would have if our friendship was like before.

“Did she say why?”

“She didn’t think I was that into it. Which, I don’t know, maybe I wasn’t.”

I want to tell him she’s probably insecure over the fact that he openly flirts with every female in his vicinity, but I don’t. It’s not my place.

“She says she doesn’t want things to be awkward. You know, like at lunch. But I don’t know.” He shrugs. “I feel like it will.”

“It can’t be more awkward than eating lunch with you both after I discovered you were together.”

I don’t mean to blurt it out, but there it is. We lock eyes for half a second before bursting out laughing.

“Man,” he says. “I’m sorry. That was kind of shitty.”

“Kind of?” I throw him a grin. “What about when you hit on me at Sonic?”

His ears go red, and he has the moral conscience to look apologetic. “That was shitty.”

“Well, it’s all in the past,” I find myself saying. “I mean, we weren’t that great for each other, were we?”

He’s quiet for a moment. “Yeah, I guess. I felt like you never let me all the way in. You were private about a lot of things, and I get that. But I told you over and over that I’d be there if you needed me, and I always felt like you were pushing me away. Or just pretending things were okay when they weren’t.” He looks directly at me. “But I could have tried harder, too. There were a lot of times I could have reached out and didn’t.”

A mix of emotions sink in my chest. I knew I treated him that way, but I’ve never heard him admit it out loud. When it came to discussing the hard things, Alex was the person I was comfortable confiding in, and now he doesn’t want anything to do with me.

“I’m sorry,” I say. “I wanted to pretend I was living a normal life.”

Jay laughs in surprise, but from his expression I can tell it’s not mean-spirited.

“What’s so funny?” I ask, curious.

“I mean, it’s just that nobody’s life is ever really normal, you know?”

I nod. It’s true. I’ve been judging things for how I wanted them to be, not how they actually were.

I take a deep breath. “Sometimes I feel like… like I don’t know who I am,” I admit. “But… I know who I want to be. Does that make sense?”

“Yeah,” Jay says. “It does.”

Before I can say anything else, the door swings open from behind me. Wallis comes bounding outside and nearly knocks Jay over. Saylor rushes out and grabs him by the collar.

I expect my natural reflexes to rise and wait for my body to go into panic mode, but it doesn’t. After confiding in Lin, I’d also told Whitney and Raegan about the recoverees, and neither of them saw a need for concern. They agreed that if everyone in the house was only helping and supporting each other, there wasn’t a reason to worry. At this point, that fear has dissolved. I have nothing to hide.

“Wallis!” Nonnie says, poking her head outside. Her rainbow shawl billows around her neck. “Get back here, you naughty thing.”

“Sorry,” Saylor says to Jay as he attempts to usher the dog back inside. “He’s still learning how to control his excitement toward other humans.”

“That’s okay,” Jay replies. “I was about to take off, anyway.”

“Saylor, Nonnie.” I gesture beside me. “This is my friend, Jay.”

“Great to meet you,” Nonnie says, extending a hand. “There’s a ton of food here if you want to join.”

“Actually, I should get home. But thank you.”

Saylor nods. “Of course. Nice to meet you.”

When the door closes, he turns back to me. “Your dad is doing okay, then?”

“He is.” It feels good to admit it. “More than okay, actually.”

“It’s nice to see him having friends over. Being social and all.”

“They’re friends from the Sober Living place. His fellow recoverees.” Explaining this to Jay doesn’t feel like a huge deal after telling my friends.

“And you’re fine with them being here?”

“Yeah.” It wouldn’t have been my answer a month ago, but it’s true. “They’re good people.”

Jay’s expression softens, and I’m relieved to see he doesn’t seem apprehensive. “Seems like it.”