Twelve Steps to Normal(83)

My eyes lower down toward his paint-spackled Converse. “I shouldn’t have acted like that.”

He crosses his arms, two black sleeves pulled tightly across his body. “I like hanging out with you, Kira. I more than like hanging out with you. But when I really thought about it, I realized I was like… your secret.”

Now I’m confused. “Wait, what?”

“I didn’t see it at first. But then I did. We’d only spend time together if it was only the two of us. I know I’m not cool like Jay or whatever, but I didn’t think you were ashamed of me. And then at lunch you just flipped a switch and—I don’t know—shut me out.”

I feel my eyes go wide in shock. “I’m not ashamed of you.”

“Really? Where are we now?”

He wants me to prove his point that we’re in a secluded part of the theater, but I can’t. How could he think I’m embarrassed by him? We had dinner at Rosita’s. I’ve been trying to gain his attention at school all week.

I take a small step closer. “You don’t understand.”

“I don’t understand? I told you everything about my family, Kira. Everything. About my cousins and my parents and my sisters. God, I told you how I felt about you… I put myself out there, then you shut me down in front of your friends. Slammed the door just when I thought—” He shakes his head.

“I’m sorry.” I try and blink back tears, but they betray me.

He shakes his head. “Forget it.” He won’t look me in the eyes. “You didn’t have to tell me anything about that night in the first place. It’s not like we were… anything.”

Those words stab like knives straight into my chest. A rush of emotions flood through me. I rewind back to feeling his hands stabilizing me in the dark theater. The way he glanced at my profile as he drove us out of the school parking lot and to the donut shop. The smiles he saved for me as we walked by each other between classes. Maybe we weren’t anything, but I still want to be something. I want his friendship. His trust. Him.

I wipe at my face, attempting to compose myself. “I was scared. I didn’t want anyone finding out about them, but you were so—”

Alex’s eyes cut away from me. “You don’t owe me an explanation.”

Translation: I don’t care.

I watch as he walks away, disappearing around the massive body of Audrey II. This time, I don’t go after him.





THIRTY SIX


MY DAD’S WATCHING THE LOCAL news when I get home from the game against Little Pine. When he sees me, he smiles and mutes the TV. “Goose! Your performance was so great. We were all so excited to see you shine out there.”

The happiness in his tone makes me smile. “Thanks. Where is everyone? I didn’t see your car outside.”

“Saylor took them all out for milkshakes, even though I warned him Sonic gets crowded on a Friday night.”

Even though I’m officially ungrounded, I still feel awful for the things I’ve said to my dad. He’s been trying so hard, just like I’ve been trying with Alex. I now know how it feels, if only a little.

I join him on the couch. There’s an enormous bag of peppermint patties on the coffee table. I take one, fiddling with the silver wrapping until I can find the right words. “I’m sorry… for what I said that night.”

His tired eyes find mine, but they’re not full of disappointment. “I’m the one who owes you an apology. I should have asked you if you’d be comfortable with them staying here before I even offered.”

“I would have said no.” I shrug, because that’s the truth. I would have. “But I’m glad they’re here.”

He takes a long look at me. “Grams would be proud of you, you know.”

I snort, thinking of my trashed twelve steps and Alex and Whitney and everyone else that I’ve hurt. “No. She wouldn’t.”

“She would.” He says this with confirmation in his voice. “I’m sorry, Goose. I didn’t realize how hard it would be to leave your friends—your life here. I thought I was doing you right, but I didn’t put you in a great situation. Having to leave, well, that wasn’t fair to you, was it? I sure didn’t make it easy. But you’re handling coming back as best you can, and I know Grams knows that.”

I nod, feeling hot tears well up behind my eyes. “I miss her.”

My dad puts an arm around me, and I feel myself leaning into him. “I miss her, too.”

We fall quiet, and I know we’re both thinking of her. For as much as I miss her, I don’t think I ever let myself openly grieve. But here, with my dad, I don’t try and stop the tears that fall.

After a minute, he hands me another peppermint patty. “Do me a favor, though?”

I glance up at him.

“No boys.” He reconsiders this. “No boys until you’re thirty.”

“Dad.”

“Thirty-five.”

I crack a smile. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I was with Alex.”

“Well, there’s a name I haven’t heard in a while.”

I want to say he won’t be hearing much more of it, but I don’t.

We watch a few minutes of Crime Boss before he turns back to me. “I was thinking of having a barbecue here with everyone on Sunday. Are you okay with that?”