The Secrets We Keep(36)

“You think you know everything about Ella?”

“I know I do. In fact, whenever she was upset about something or was trying to hide, this is where she’d go.”

I cursed silently to myself. I’d known that. That was probably why I was sitting here. It was safe. Familiar.

“So what?” I said, aiming for indifference. “My sister and I had a lot in common. We were twins. Identical twins.”

Josh chuckled at that, the who-are-you-trying-to-kid sound that used to make me smile. Now it irritated the crap out of me. “Not since I’ve known you. Different friends. Different classes. Different everything. Same DNA, I guess, but that’s about it.”

He pulled me away from the wall I was leaning against, his eyes staring at the beige cinder block behind me. I followed his line of sight, knowing what I’d find.

“She drew that, you know,” he said as he inched closer to me to get a better look at the drawing I’d sketched on the wall our freshman year. “The first day I met her, the day you introduced me to her, I found her sitting here drawing on the wall after school. I think she’d been crying, although she insisted she wasn’t. Blamed her red eyes on allergies, I think.”

I heard the humor in his voice as he recalled the excuse I’d fed him. I had been crying. I was hurt and confused and lonely.

“I asked her what was wrong, and she said nothing. Eventually I got her to tell me.”

“What’d she say?” I asked, already knowing the answer.

“You. She didn’t understand what she’d done, why you didn’t want to hang out with her anymore,” Josh said.

I shrugged. He was right; back then I didn’t know. Still didn’t, I guess. I simply learned not to care about it so much.

“I told her not to let it bother her, that Alex was exactly the same way, but she never stopped caring about you or worrying what you thought of her. She was always doing things to make your life easier. Even the night of the accident … Ella came for you, dropped everything and came to pick you up when you called.”

“Whatever,” I said, and jumped down off the sill. Sitting here watching him slowly poke at me, unknowingly reminding me of who I was, wasn’t going to help.

I’d made it down a few steps when he stopped me, his hand reaching out for my shoulder. I let it linger there, let myself soak up his familiar warmth before shrugging him off. I could feel myself shaking, the fine tremor of fear working its way through my body. I didn’t turn around to meet his eyes. Not because I was scared or guilty, but because I knew he’d see straight through me.

“I have class.” It took an enormous amount of energy to get those three words out and even then my voice sounded weak … fragile.

“She was my best friend,” he said softly. “I knew her better than she probably knew herself.”

“What are you trying to say?”

He hesitated, and I could hear him sighing, as if he was carefully measuring his words. “Nothing. But if you ever want to talk about her … to remember who she was and what I loved about her, don’t go to Alex. You come find me.”

I’d known it’d be hard—pretending to be someone else. I’d have to keep my guard up, watch what I said and how I dressed, and make sure I answered questions incorrectly so that I could maintain Maddy’s average performance in school. But in the end, or so I’d convinced myself, it’d be worth it. I could spare Mom and Dad, even Alex, from losing Maddy. What I hadn’t figured into the equation was Josh.

I’d known Josh for three years and had spent nearly every spare minute of each day with him. He knew the way I walked, the way my right eye would twitch when I was angry, and he even knew about the string bracelet I refused to take off regardless of how nasty it got.

He reached for my hand, pushed up the sleeve of my shirt, and ran his fingers across my wrist. I let him, stood there silently knowing the proof he was looking for wasn’t there. The ER staff had cut off that ratty old string bracelet along with everything else I was wearing that night.

I’d spent hours those first few days at home trying to re-create it. But no matter how many times I tried, I couldn’t get the colors to match up the way I wanted, the way I remembered. Even using brand-new thread the colors seemed duller, less vibrant. I kept the poor replica anyway. It was tucked in the back pocket of my jeans, a small reminder of what I was purposefully giving up.

His hand clenched around my wrist, my fingers going cold beneath his grip. He could stare at the spot for hours, could will that tiny bit of evidence into place, but it was never going to happen. I was Maddy Lawton now. The popular, cherished, and adored Maddy Lawton.

I’d never lied to Josh, never had a reason to. And I wasn’t planning on starting today. “I know everything I need to know about Ella,” I said as I yanked my wrist free and walked away. “Everything.”





23

The tight rein I had on my emotions fell away the instant the door closed behind me. I could feel myself trembling, and I was torn between wanting to scream with rage and cry with hopelessness. I didn’t know what to do, who I was, or where I was going, and I had to figure it out in front of a school full of gossiping peers.

“Maddy?” Her name fluttered across my mind, the familiarity of it crushingly present and distant at the same time.