The Secrets We Keep(35)

I’d watched Kim for the last few months, laughing as she tried to flirt her way into Josh’s life. She had succeeded, or at least had gotten as close to Josh as she could. She came along when we went out for pizza and had been dragged to my house to watch movies or hang out. She even sat through our weekly anime meetings. The only difference I could see between her and me was that she had to share his popcorn and soda at the movies while I always had my own.

But I’d never felt threatened by her before. I’d watched her snuggle into him at the lunch table, thread her fingers through his hair on my couch, and giggle at his obviously lame jokes, and it had never bothered me. Until now. Now, when I had no claim to Josh in any capacity—not as a friend, not as a boyfriend—now I felt threatened.

“Hey,” I said back, my eyes still locked on their hands. Anything more and I was afraid I’d slip, say something or do something to crack the fragile control I was desperately clinging to.

Josh tugged his hand free of Kim’s and dug it into his front pocket, then rocked back on his heels so he was farther away from her. Kim eased herself in to his side and looked up at him, her gaze darting between Josh and me as if trying to figure us out.

“Hi, Maddy.” There was a forced cheerfulness in Kim’s voice. It was the same tone I’d heard her use on Josh when she was flirting, the same shy grin I’d seen her flash when she was trying to convince him to go to the movies alone, just the two of them.

“I’m sorry about your sister,” she said. “I used to hang out with her. She was nice.”

Kim reached her hand out to touch me, some fleeting gesture meant to show her condolences, but I flinched. She hadn’t hung out with me; she hung out with Josh. She didn’t know me, and I doubted she knew Josh. Not like I did anyway. And I sure didn’t want her sympathy. I wanted her gone. Away from him. Away from us.

“You didn’t hang out with Ella. You didn’t know anything about her.”

She paled at my words. “What?”

I shook my head, wondering why I was considering explaining myself. I was Maddy now, and I knew for a fact she didn’t care about Kim or Josh, where they went on their date last Friday, or how far they’d gone last time they made out. To Maddy, they were insignificant people who weren’t worthy of her time.

“You and Josh…” My voice slipped on his name, my own more casual tone seeping in. I slammed my mouth shut, shocked that I’d done it. I’d never let my voice slip when I was playing Maddy. Never. Not when we were kids pretending to be each other for fun, not during the countless times I took her tests, and not once since the accident. Why now, why here when I had so much to lose?

Kim looked at Josh, fluttered her hand between us in a futile attempt to get him to say something, to call me out for being rude to her. He didn’t. He stood there, his fists bunching in his jeans pockets as he watched me, studied me. He’d heard the slip in my voice; I knew he had.

“Kim,” he said, his eyes still totally focused on me, “can you give me and … uh—can you give us a minute alone?”

She hesitated, then opened her mouth to protest. Josh held up his hand, cutting her off. “Please, I’ll meet you in the cafeteria in a few.”

She whispered something into his ear before giving him a kiss. He turned his head, and she caught his cheek. I laughed. I couldn’t help it. For once today it was nice to see somebody else getting the short end of the stick.

Josh gave me that same irritated glare I’d seen a thousand times. One that told me to knock it off. I did, settled into the window seat, and watched as Kim walked away.





22

Josh waited until Kim was gone, then waited a bit longer before he spoke. “You okay?”

“Yeah … sorry about that,” I said, waving in the direction of the door Kim had sulked through. “I shouldn’t have been mean to her. It was wrong.”

“That’s not what I meant.” He took a step closer and repeated his question slowly. “Are. You. Okay?”

“Yes … no … I mean…” I wavered, unsure of how to answer. My shoulder no longer ached, and most of my bruises had faded to a pale yellow. My left wrist was still in a cast, and I had a red line above my right eye where they’d stitched my skin together. But other than that, I was fine.

Physically anyway.

“I’m good.”

Josh nodded but didn’t move, rather, shifted the weight of his backpack to his other shoulder and continued to watch me.

“What do you want?” I asked him.

“Your sister … Ella used to sit here,” he said as he dropped his backpack to the floor and nudged my feet so he could climb up onto the sill next to me. He picked up the notebook I’d been drawing in, instinctively flipping to the back cover as he took in my drawing and compared it to the living, breathing version sitting next to him.

“Not bad,” he said as he tucked it into his own bag. “The shading is a bit off, but my guess is, you’re out of practice.”


Jerk! The shading was nearly perfect. I went to call him out but stopped myself short and played along. “Yup, about four years. I haven’t picked up a drawing pencil since junior high. That was Ella’s thing, not mine.”

He shook his head as if daring me to continue. “I know. Trust me, I know.”