The Lesbiana's Guide to Catholic School(93)

He has his usual “everything is fine” act down perfectly when I check on him during lunch. After making sure he’s good, Hunter and I go to the art room. The art show is finally happening at the end of this week, and I haven’t made many pieces in class worth showcasing. I only have one piece that made it in, and I’m here to make another. Since it’s something I could use some advice about, I made Hunter come along. I don’t want to burden Cesar, and Hunter is the only other person at school I’m out to, besides Bo. And she definitely can’t help me, for reasons.

“How’s this?” I ask Hunter as I show him my fourth concept sketch.

“Ooh! I like that a lot! It looks great!” he says, giving me an encouraging slap on the back. He’s said that about every other idea I’ve had. Hunter’s a good dude, but he’s completely useless for constructive feedback. I finally just let him go back to lunch.

Once he’s gone, Ms. Felix stops grading our still-life art from last week and pulls up a seat across from me. I catch her staring at me, like she has something she wants to say. She’s making me a little anxious. She definitely overheard me and Hunter talking about how I want to ask Bo to prom. She’s always given me a really open-minded vibe, but what if I was wrong about her?

“What?” I ask, letting out a nervous laugh.

She smiles, but there’s a sadness in her eyes. “I just wish I was as brave as you are, is all.”

“What do you mean?”

She pauses for a while before saying anything else. “I’m only telling you this because I think it would have helped me a lot when I was your age if I’d had an adult in my life open up to me. But I need you to know you aren’t alone.”

I stare at her, wide-eyed. Is she . . . coming out to me?

“I’m not oblivious to what everyone says about me either. I know a lot of my students already suspect it. But I thought I’d let you know personally. I’m there with you.”

“So . . . you’re queer?” I know it’s not the most tactful way of asking, but when have I ever been known for being tactful?

She nods. “And I’m not out. Not here. So let’s keep this our little secret, okay?”

“Of course.”

“If you ever need anything, to talk, or to just use my room, I’m here, all right?” She offers a warm smile.

“Thank you,” I say. I don’t know what else there is to say, but I just really hope my thank-you is enough to convey how much it means to me.

“I like this one.” She points to one of the first concepts I drew. “It makes a statement.”

I nod and get to work finalizing the sketch she picked. I was secretly hoping she’d pick that one. I’m a little more relaxed as I work, safe in the knowledge that Ms. Felix is right there with me, supporting me. By the time I’ve finished the sketch, she’s almost as excited as I am about what I have planned. But not quite.

No, I’m definitely the most excited.

On Friday, Mom wants to hang out as a family before the art show, so Cesar and I help her make some jewelry at home after school. We used to do this together for fun when we were little, but it’s been years. Even though my birthday was less than three weeks ago, so much has happened since then. It seems like we haven’t hung out as a family in ages. At least, not in a good way. Now that I can relax around my mom, it’s so different. It feels like exactly what we’ve been missing.

“What are you all smiley about?” Mom asks.

“I don’t know. I missed you guys.”

Mom reaches out and grabs one of my hands and one of Cesar’s and squeezes. “I missed this.”

I expect Cesar to get all embarrassed and change the subject, but he doesn’t.

“Me too.” He lays his head down on my mom’s hand and closes his eyes, like her hand is a pillow. His lips turn up a little. Mom leans over the table to kiss his forehead, then kisses mine.

“I have something for you,” she says to me as she pulls something out of her pocket. “It’s not an iPhone, but I need to be able to get ahold of you.” She hands me a dinosaur phone that matches Cesar’s. The first thing I do with it is take a picture of the three of us to use as my new background. I tear up looking at it. I may not have my dad, but I have Mami and Cesar, and they’re all I need.

We spend an hour using jewelry as an excuse to catch up. On small stuff, mostly. How Mom’s work is going. How Cesar is catching up with schoolwork. How I like my job with Emma. But I’m a little distracted. By two things.

First, because of the art show, obviously. But also because of my parents. What is going to happen with them? Is Mami going to forgive Dad for what he did? Because I honestly don’t know if I ever can.

I end up just blurting out the question, since I’m super over keeping things bottled up. “So what’s going to happen with you and Papi?”

Mami hesitates before letting out a sigh. “Until he wants to have a relationship with his children, nothing.”

“You’re okay with that?” Cesar asks, incredulous.

I almost can’t believe it. I didn’t think my mom loved anyone more than my dad.

She squeezes his shoulder. “Listen. Your father has been the love of my life. But . . . I just don’t know how to love someone who doesn’t know how to love my children.”