The Lesbiana's Guide to Catholic School(92)

“It has to do with Bo. . . .” I pause to gauge his reaction. He raises his eyebrows. He’s taking the bait. “You first, though. What’s in your pocket?”

He squints at me. “Oh, you’re good. You’re real good.”

“I know. So what are you trying to hide?”

He sighs and pulls the ring Jamal gave him out of his pocket. “I know I should give it back. . . .”

“You don’t have to do it right away. You can wait until you’re ready to face him,” I say.

“It’s been months, though.”

“So what do you want to do?”

“I don’t know. I feel like I don’t deserve to keep this. I was too ashamed of myself to wear it when I had the chance.” He fidgets with the ring in his hand. I get why he doesn’t want to give it back. Giving the ring back means the relationship is really over. Jamal still loves him, and Cesar obviously still loves Jamal. He just has some self-acceptance to grow into.

“Are you still ashamed of yourself?” I ask, praying for an answer that doesn’t hurt.

“I’m working on that.” He shrugs. It’s better than a flat-out yes, but it hurts to know he’s struggling with that shame. “Anyways,” Cesar says, “what happened with Bo?”

“Wait, first—are you okay?” Even though I want to talk about Bo, I don’t want to let him deflect the conversation that easily. I sit on his bed and assume the heart-to-heart position, but he doesn’t move from his desk.

“I will be.” He’s looking down at his notebook and clicking his pen like he’d rather do homework than talk about this. But I’m happy he’s not lying and saying he’s great. He will be okay.

“Can we talk about you and Bo now?” he asks. I know he’s deflecting again, but I don’t want to keep prying and push him away. He’ll talk to me about it when he’s ready.

“I’m gonna ask her out.”

He whips his head around like an owl and almost falls out of his chair.

“When? How? Can I watch?”

“Oh my God, calm down!” I laugh. “I don’t know yet. That’s why I need your help.”

He adjusts himself to face me so he’s sitting backward in the chair. “You’re the one all smitten and shit. What does she like?”

“Um . . .” I’m drawing a blank. She likes art, disco, and free samples from Costco. She likes ice cream. She likes . . . oh!

“That’s perfect! Thanks!”

“You’re welcome?” he says, and I go back to my room to formulate a plan.

I’m going to ask Bo to prom. And I know exactly how to do it.





25


Si Te Hago Da?o A Ti, Me Hago Da?o a Mí Mismo.


Just when I’m about to start getting ready for bed, I overhear my mom crying from her room. She’s never been one to cry quietly, but it’s still louder than usual. I step out of my room to find that Cesar had the same idea. We share a look that’s telepathic code for Do you know what’s wrong? and we both shrug. We wander down the hall to her room to cheer her up, but when I open the door, I immediately regret coming here with Cesar.

“He could have died, do you understand? And you won’t even talk to him?!” Mami screams at her phone.

Cesar stops in his tracks. His chin quivers, and I can’t bear to look at the pain in his eyes. He must have been in denial about Dad, like I was for the first couple of months he wasn’t talking to me.

“Let me talk to him,” I say, and march over to the side of my mom’s bed.

“Face the consequences of your actions,” Mami’s voice comes out in a sob as she hands me her phone.

I stare deadpan at the phone as the words pour out of me. “You’re out of our life for good. And that’s my choice, not yours. What kind of asshole calls himself an activist but then won’t speak to his own children when push comes to shove? We’re better off without you, you pinche comemierda!”

Instead of lecturing me for cursing, Mami gets out of bed and stands next to me and starts cursing him out with me. “Fuck you, Emiliano! These kids are perfect and they don’t need you for one second! I’ll love them for the both of us, you pinche—”

She keeps yelling, but Cesar comes up behind us and butts in. “Yeah, fuck you, you ugly piece of shit! WE disown YOU, you got that? You’re dead to ME!” he shouts, spit flying out of his mouth as he points to the phone as if Dad could see his taunts.

And we all go on like that for a solid minute, the three of us chewing him out at the same time in true Mexican fashion. It takes me a while to realize he’s already hung up. Who knows how much of our yelling he actually heard, but it felt good to say it all out loud.

I drop my arm holding the phone to let Mami and Cesar know he’s not listening anymore. Then I pull them both into a hug, and we all sink into it like it’s the only thing keeping us from crumpling to the floor.

“I love you guys,” Cesar says through a sniffle.

Mami holds us both tight.

I hug back harder. “I love you so much.”

I can hear Cesar pacing in his room before my alarm goes off. It’s his first day back at school after a week off, so he’s probably nervous to face everyone. I’m nervous. I’ve done my best to keep rumors from spreading about why he was gone by telling everyone he had pneumonia, so he should be fine. Still, I don’t blame him for being anxious.