The Lesbiana's Guide to Catholic School(91)

I roll my eyes because it’s so cheesy, but it still makes me tear up. I glance at Cesar and see that he’s already accepted her answer and is stuffing his face with pan dulce. I can’t let Mom’s effort go to waste, so I stuff my face, too.

Happy times are a little hard to maintain when your brother is on watch. We all have to sleep with our doors open, just in case. Since my room is right by Cesar’s, Mom wanted to switch with me to keep a better eye on him, but I refused. I like my room, and I imagine Cesar would rather have me lurking than Mami. Plus, I want to be there for him if he needs anything.

He’s starting therapy soon, and hopefully that will help, but he doesn’t seem too excited about it. Mami offered for me to go to therapy, too, but I don’t think I’m ready for that yet. Cesar takes his antidepressants from a daily counter, so me and Mom can see if he’s taking them and make sure he doesn’t take too many. I don’t even know where Mom keeps the pill bottle. She’s the only one who refills the counter. I don’t like feeling like I’m spying on Cesar, but it has to be done. Better to spy than to lose him.

I wake up early to the sound of an upbeat ranchera, then the smell of eggs and bacon. Mom never cooks breakfast for us on weekdays, with the exception of Cesar’s game days, and this isn’t her usual music. I follow my nose out into the hallway, and Cesar is already peeking out of his room. We wander into the kitchen, but Mom isn’t in there. It’s Do?a Violeta. Her feet shift with the music as she flips bacon on the comal. She shushes us before we get a chance to make a noise.

“Your mom had a long night. Let her sleep before work, okay?”

Cesar and I rush into a tight hug.

“I missed you, Do?a,” I say, even though it hasn’t been that long since we’ve seen her. I missed this. This is the Do?a Violeta I know. Mom probably told her about what happened with Cesar. Maybe she needed someone to take care of, like she used to.

“Are you okay?” Cesar asks her. We haven’t seen her leave her porch since her husband’s funeral. She gives us a sad smile.

“Don’t worry about me, mijo. Let me take care of you for a few days.” She kisses his forehead and gets back to making breakfast.

Miracles like this only happen in what feels like the darkest moments. Do?a Violeta stays home with Cesar so my mom doesn’t have to take time off work and risk getting fired. Cesar wasn’t ready to go back to school right away, and Mom didn’t want to force him, so Do?a Violeta came through. No matter what happens, my brother won’t be alone.

On Saturday I would rather stay home with Cesar and work from there, but he would rather have the laptop than my company, so I leave to work at Bo’s house to use their extra computer. I don’t want to make Cesar feel babied, especially since his childhood babysitter is already tending to his every need. Mom lets me take the car for work, and she stays with him and Do?a Violeta while I’m gone.

I have to admit I have really missed Rick and Emma. Work goes by a lot quicker when I’m here, too. On the downside, I’m a little less productive.

It’s the first time I’ve been back in this house since winter break, and I notice that they’ve listened to Bo and taken down most of the Chinese decorations since then. I’m glad they’re giving her the space to do her own exploring on her own terms.

Emma lets me use their study to work, and Bo sneaks in for some quick kisses every chance she gets. Her parents won’t let her hang out in there with me, because they know I’ll get distracted. But I don’t think they know me and Bo like each other, so it’s kind of fun sneaking kisses whenever they aren’t looking. It feels like we’re secret agents again, except this time the mission is to be cute and do couple things like kissing and holding hands. Sometimes all she has to do is give me this look when no one can see, and my insides turn to mush.

She never tries anything cute at school, though. She knows it’s up to me when I come out there, so she’s not trying to push it. I’m the one getting impatient with myself. Sneaky kisses and secret affections are exciting, but I’m ready to do it for real. I want to tell my mom, and Bo’s parents, and the whole school, and everyone how into Bo I am. The reason I never wanted to be completely out before was self-preservation, but now that Mom and Dad know, the worst has already passed. I’m not getting kicked out or disowned. It sucks that my dad isn’t talking to me, but that’s the worst that could happen at this point. I know my friends will be fine with it, since they’re fine with Bo.

I also want to prove to Cesar, and to Bo, that I’m not ashamed. I don’t want Cesar to feel like he has to come out, but maybe me being out will make it easier on him when and if he decides to do it.

No one can hurt me the way my dad or Bianca did anymore. I’m ready.

As soon as I get home, I start plotting. It’s decided. I’m going to ask her out. Officially. Not yet, but it’s going to happen. I just have to figure out how to do it. Cesar is my go-to advice giver, and I’m too excited to wait for him to finish his homework.

“Yo, Cesar, you got a minute?” As soon as I walk in, he shoves something into his pocket, but I notice. “Uh, what’s that?”

“What did you want to tell me?” He’s a master subject changer, but I’m not falling for it. He also can’t resist some good chisme, so I’ll use his weaknesses against him.