The Lesbiana's Guide to Catholic School(98)

I can’t stop smiling. People are cheering so loud I’m sure she can’t even hear my “yes.” I nod so she can be sure. We hug, and people are whistling and shouting for us to kiss. We don’t. Because I don’t want to kiss for them, and I don’t want to get in trouble. But we hug again.

“Your parents are okay with that?” I say over the cheering.

“It was their idea! They wanted to raise hell about it, but I told them that would just embarrass me, so this was the next best solution.” She laughs.

The support from the other students is exhilarating. I thought they’d be booing and throwing food.

The cheerers are actually the minority, but they’re the loudest, so I’m grateful for that. Plenty of others are giving us judgy looks. Some people are sitting awkwardly, and some are clapping because that’s what they think they’re supposed to do. I’m sure most of them don’t actually care, but it’s drama, and this school can get pretty boring sometimes, so I get it.

The hype doesn’t die down all week. About half the promposals over the next couple of weeks are for anti-prom. Two of them are even gay. So we’re trendsetters, I guess. I don’t know if they’re straight and proving a point or if they actually like each other, but I’ll take it as a win either way. People are even starting to call it gay prom.

With only a few days to spare, I go dress shopping with Amber, because Bo says she wants to be surprised by how beautiful I look. Amber is the middle-girl for us. Her job is to advise both of us about what to wear based on the other’s choices. With Amber’s help, I end up choosing a purple dress that’s short in the front and long in the back. The sleeves are long, mesh, and sparkly. I think it makes me look like a fairy princess, and I spend the next few days feeling giddy about it.

On the morning of prom, I wake up at five a.m. I don’t need to be up this early, but I can’t sleep. Cesar’s up early, too; I can hear him pacing his room. I knock on his already open door to get his attention. He nods at me but doesn’t stop pacing. I walk in and sit on his bed, and just wait for a minute in case he stops pacing anytime soon, but he doesn’t.

“What are you doing?” I finally say.

“Exercise.”

I raise an eyebrow.

“They said it’s good to move around if I start feeling . . . you know, KMS-y.” Cesar admitting he’s feeling suicidal right now is like a punch straight to the gut. I didn’t expect him to completely heal overnight, but it’s hard to hear he’s still feeling . . . like that.

“Do you want to talk about it?” I ask.

He slows his pace a bit.

“Um . . . maybe?” He stops walking.

“What’s going on?”

“Look, I’m not gonna do it, all right? I just get really down on myself sometimes. I don’t know how to turn it off.”

“What are down on yourself over?”

He finally sits down and lets out a breath.

“Don’t take this the wrong way, okay?”

“Okay . . .”

“I’m happy for you and Bo . . . I really am. Like, super happy. But at the same time, it kind of sucks. I feel like an asshole . . . because of Jamal. He was my person, you know? He took me seriously, even when I tried to cover everything up with jokes. He always took me serious. I fucked that up. And here you are being super proud and out with Bo, but I couldn’t even put on that ring. I feel like a fucking coward.”

“You’re not a coward. Jamal knew you wouldn’t put it on right away. It was always on your timeline when you wanted to come out. I only did it because I felt ready. And you shouldn’t feel like you have to come out just because I did. Or because of Jamal, or anyone but you. It has nothing to do with how brave you are.”

“I’m not scared to come out, it’s just . . . I don’t know how to explain it.”

“You’re ashamed . . . ?”

“I don’t know!” he shouts. “I mean, I’m not ashamed of you. Or Jamal, or Bo, or anyone else. It’s personal. But I can’t be with Jamal without making him feel it too, you know? It’s a hard feeling to break away from. I’m trying, though. Really hard.”

“I know.”

It’s a while before he says anything else.

“I invited Jamal to gay prom. He said yes. I think . . . I’ll wear the ring.”

“Really?” I know it’s a serious moment, but I have to purse my lips hard to fight back a squeal.

He laughs. “Go ahead, Yami.”

“Ahhhh, I’m so happy!” I let it out. “We can finally double-date! We don’t even have to fake-relationship double-date!” I hug him. He lets me but doesn’t hug back.

“I don’t think he wants to be my boyfriend anymore. I want to be with him, but I don’t know if we’re ready to jump back into it. For now, it’s just gay prom. As friends.”

“Friends who are in love with each other?”

“Yup.” Cesar chuckles, but I can tell it’s forced. “I guess we’ll see where things go, eventually.”

“Well, it’s probably good to take it slow. Gives you some time to take care of yourself first. Because you really need to take care of yourself, Cesar.”

“I just want to take it back. I let that priest get to me, you know? I couldn’t stop thinking about what he said when he was arguing with Bo. And when he told me to break up with Jamal, I felt like it was my only option.”