The Lesbiana's Guide to Catholic School(73)

Be brave.

The thunder of the next firework shakes me back to my senses. It’s a New Year’s resolution. I can start on the bravery tomorrow.

“So my turn . . . What’s the real reason you didn’t go to Mexico with your family? Don’t you want to see your dad?”

My smile drops, and when I don’t answer, she continues.

“It’s just . . . I’ve seen your wallpaper,” Bo goes on. “You guys look really happy.”

I think I could maybe tell her everything right now. That I’m gay. That my dad isn’t cool with it. That he might tell my mom while she’s over there.

But I’m not brave.

Not even brave enough to change my freaking wallpaper. It’s like if I change it, I’m admitting he’s never going to come around. And it’s not that I don’t trust Bo. I do. Other than Cesar, I trust her more than anyone right now. But . . . I’m not ready to tell her.

“Sorry, you don’t have to answer that. I shouldn’t have asked.”

“It’s okay. I just . . . I don’t really get along with my dad anymore. But I don’t want to talk about him.” Even mentioning him makes me want to cry.

“That’s fine, I understand.”

“My turn.” I want to get the focus off my dad as quick as possible. “Why do you adopt ugly animals?”

“They’re not ugly!”

“They’re a little ugly.” I laugh, and she frowns at me. It’s a playful frown, at first. Then her eyes wander to the lake and she chews on her lip.

“I guess I just want to take the animals other people would leave behind. All the cute animals have no problem getting rescued. But the ugly ones might eventually get put down, you know?”

I nod. “I never really thought of it that way,” I say. Of course Bo would think of the well-being of all the “ugly” animals. “So, it’s your turn,” I say. She shifts her body to face me again.

“Okay, um . . .” She takes a minute. “Are you embarrassed for me to meet your mom?”

“You already met her at the homecoming game.”

“I know, but that was in a group. Like, you never want me to go over to your house. And you take the light rail instead of letting me drop you off. But you let David pick you up when you guys came over. Maybe I’m overthinking it, but I thought maybe you didn’t want your mom to know me too well. Because of the gay thing . . .” She starts fidgeting. “Sorry, I know, I’m already going against my resolution. I can get a little paranoid. Ignore me.” She’s wrong, but I hate how relatable that is right now. It’s almost off-putting, because Bo usually comes across so confident.

“Why didn’t you tell me you thought that?”

She shrugs. “I don’t know. I guess I was scared to know the truth.”

It seems like Bo has no problem calling out teachers and administrators and even priests, but when it comes to her friends, she holds it in. I think I get why. When it’s someone you care about, you have more to lose. But is she really afraid of losing me?

“Well, I’m not embarrassed of you at all,” I say. Even if my mom is homophobic, she’d never treat a guest poorly, no matter who it was. “Um . . . I’m actually a little embarrassed for you to know where I live.”

“Why?”

“It’s just . . . different from here.” I turn to face the lake instead of her.

“Do you think I’ll judge you or something?”

“I don’t know . . .”

“I know most people don’t have as much money as we do, and as much money as most people at Slayton do. I’m not that sheltered. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable or anything, but you have nothing to be embarrassed about.”

“Okay.”

“Do you think you’re ever going to let me drop you off at your actual house?”

I bite the inside of my cheek and think about it. “Probably not.”

“Okay. That’s fine, I guess. . . .” She looks away. I think I hurt her feelings.

I know she won’t judge me, but maybe I’m not as ready for Bo to know me as I thought I was. I want her to know me in some ways. I want her to know the good stuff, like the way I think and what I like. I want her to know all the things we have in common. Well, most of the things we have in common.

I want her to know about how we both love animals, and how our names mean the same thing, and how we’re both competitive, and like the same kinds of jokes. And maybe part of me even wants her to know I’m gay. I want to keep feeling like we’re the same.

But we’re not.





19


Addendum: Thou Shalt Commit Adulting


I know I can come back anytime I want, but I’m sad to leave Bo’s place the next day. Time to go back to surviving. I swear Bo’s mom is getting misty-eyed when I hug them all goodbye.

“It was so nice having you around, Yamilet. Drive safely!” she says.

“Mom, she’s still my friend. It’s not like you’ll never see her again.” Bo pushes her mom out of the way to hug me. “Seriously, I hope they didn’t scare you out of ever coming back.”

“No! I love you guys!” I surprise myself at how affectionate I’m being right now.