The Lesbiana's Guide to Catholic School(37)

“It’s not my crowd.” Bo sinks into the couch. I frown. It’s my shitty version of a puppy face. She’s unaffected. I can’t blame her, since there’s a good chance Jenna will be there. And there’s no way I’d go to a party Bianca might be at.

“Okay, well, if you change your mind, it’d be awesome if you came.”

Bo sits up and smizes at me. Maybe she’s a little affected. “Why do you want me to come so bad?” She leans toward me. It’s a subtle lean, barely an inch, but I notice it.

Because I like hanging out with you. Because you’ll make me feel more comfortable. Because you can make any situation more fun. Because I think you’re pretty, and cool, and fun to be around. Because I’m gay, and I think I might like you.

“I don’t know . . .” is all I manage to say. Bo tilts her head, and I think she’s onto me. For all my reservations about eye contact, her eyes are hard to look away from. Her irises are dark and big, like black holes. They’re sucking me in, and I don’t know what will happen if I let myself get pulled in too close. There’s no turning back once you’re caught in a black hole. I find myself leaning in. Is she leaning, too? I can’t tell. We’re way too close.

“I’m straight,” I blurt out. Real smooth, Yami.

“. . . Okay?” Bo crosses her arms. Yeah, I don’t think she was leaning, too.

“Sorry, I thought . . .” Fuck, why would I say that? She already knows I “have a boyfriend.” It was completely unnecessary.

There’s a pause, then Bo throws her head back and laughs.

“You thought what? That I liked you? Not every lesbian is going to have a thing for you just because you’re a girl. Are you serious right now? Get over yourself.”

“No, I know! I shouldn’t have said that. I’m sorry.” I try not to let my voice crack. If she did like me, I’ve clearly sabotaged that now. But obviously she didn’t. I know that’s supposed to be a good thing because I am Not Gay. But it sucks.

“What did I do this time? Was I supposed to sit on the other couch? Should I have canceled when Amber did? Am I not supposed to even look at you? Why am I always the one to have to walk on eggshells to keep everyone from thinking I’m some kind of creep?” She’s raising her voice now, and her eyes are starting to get shiny.

“No, I . . . you didn’t do anything wrong, Bo.” My voice shakes, and I hate myself for making her feel how I feel all the time. Like a predator.

“Whatever. I have a girlfriend anyways. Thought you knew.” For some reason those words burrow into my ears and make my vision blur.

“Oh . . . that’s . . . that’s great. Who’s your girlfriend?” I shouldn’t be asking about that right now. I should still be apologizing.

“Her name’s Jamie. Not that it’s your business,” she says coldly. Then I remember the girl with blue hair from that dating app Amber showed me.

I shake my head to get back into the moment. I fucked up. Focus on that. “I’m sorry, Bo. Seriously, I don’t know why I said that. You didn’t do anything wrong,” I plead.

“Don’t you have a party to go to?” It’s a not-so-subtle way of telling me to get out.

“Um, yeah, I should go pick up Cesar. . . . Are we good?” It’s selfish, but I just want her to tell me she doesn’t hate me. That I won’t be alone again after this.

“We’re good.” She gets up and walks to her room instead of walking me out like she normally would.

I don’t think we’re good.





10


Thou Shalt Not Drink and Call


Even though I didn’t want to come earlier, I could use a party right now. Anything to forget about how Bo hates me. How I totally fucked up our friendship. About how Bo has a girlfriend who probably never made her feel as bad as I just made her feel. The bass of the party music pulls me out of my wallowing. We can’t even see the house yet, but the music is loud. Parked cars line the street, so we have to park on the next street down. When we finally get inside, it’s obvious that a good number of people are already tipsy or completely drunk. Some of them must have pregamed at the dance. Even sober I could get lost in this house—it’s like Bo’s on steroids, with super-high ceilings, huge rooms, and winding double staircases.

“Take a shot with me! It’ll help loosen up that stick in your ass.” Cesar grabs my arm, and I jump. I guess I’ve been a little stiff since I left Bo’s.

“I can’t, I’m driving!” I shove his shoulder. Still, I let him drag me to the kitchen, where we run into Hunter.

“AYYYEE!” Hunter shouts, raising a glass at us and almost spilling it. Then he gives Cesar his usual enthusiastic dap.

“What up, what up,” Cesar murmurs while pouring himself a shot.

Hunter nods to me. “I thought you wouldn’t be able to make it, since you couldn’t come to the dance.”

“I had plans, but I’m free now.” I give him my nicest smile. I hope he’s not mad at me for not going to the dance with him.

“Well, I’m glad you could make it.” He smiles back and touches my arm. I think we’re flirting. Or at least, he is.

Hunter hands me a shot glass, and I wave it away.