The Lesbiana's Guide to Catholic School(40)

I almost feel jealous. I was supposed to be pretending to be straight tonight. If I hadn’t ruined it, I could still be dancing with Hunter right now. Emily stops when she sees me and ditches Hunter to give me a hug. Her dark brown hair is curled in a bob instead of her usual barely-holding-it-together ponytail.

“I’m so happy you made it!” She pulls away from the hug and strokes my hair the way a straight girl does. If I was sober, I might not have hummed out loud. I can’t help it, it feels good. If I was sober, I probably wouldn’t have even let her touch me at all. Right now, though, it doesn’t even matter. She grabs my hand and leads me to the kitchen.

“You’re taking a shot with me, okay?” She pours two out as she says it.

I take it a lot easier this time. I must be a lightweight, because the room is spinning now, in a good way. Like the teacups at Disneyland. I would imagine, at least. I’ve never been there.

“I wanna go to Disneyland,” I mumble. I don’t think Emily hears me. I pour myself another whipped cream Vodka and coke.

“You know, I used to be intimidated by you. But you’re really cool.” Her words are slurring together a tiny bit.

“Really? I thought you thought I was cute?” Or was it Jenna who thought I was cute? Either way, I’m not the least bit intimidating. I try not to let it bug me that she maybe doesn’t actually think I’m adorable.

“You are cute!” she squeals, and I sigh in relief. I knew it. I am cute. She doesn’t elaborate on the “intimidated” comment.

“You know,” I say after taking another swig, “I used to think you were cool, but now I’m intimidated by you.”

“Why?” She frowns.

I shrug. I don’t think I have the capacity to have a serious conversation about who Emily chooses to surround herself with.

“Well, I’m not scary, I promise.” She smiles and grabs my hand, then pulls me back to the dance floor. She throws her arms over my shoulders and clasps her fingers behind my head. How is this not scary???

“Want to make Hunter jealous?” she whispers in my ear, and before I answer, her hips close the space between us and we’re basically grinding. I wonder if Jamie and Bo dance like this. Probably not, since Bo doesn’t like dances. This is straight-girl grinding, though. All for Hunter’s entertainment, not mine. Hunter gives me a thumbs-up, like he’s proud of me. I wish I could say I get any enjoyment out of dancing with Emily for attention, but I feel like I’m on fire the entire time. Like at any moment someone will realize what a fraud I am. If she knew I was gay, she would never dance with me like this.

Before I know it, Jenna comes up behind Emily and grinds with her. Karen gets behind Jenna, and Karen’s boyfriend is behind her, and it’s this whole grinding train I want no part of.

“I have to pee!” I shout, and escape to the backyard. I wonder if they think I’m about to pee outside. I don’t think I’m quite that drunk yet, though.

As I’m walking out, I hear a chorus of boys cheering, and I turn to see Jenna and Emily making out. I can’t name the feeling it gives me to see that. My head starts spinning again.

I find my way to the backyard and lie down on the grass to make the world come back into focus. Why do straight girls get to kiss in front of everyone but I can’t? I close my eyes. I don’t even care what’s going on around me.

Last time I was this drunk, I was the one drunk-kissing a straight girl. Bianca didn’t kiss like a straight girl, though. But I guess I should have known better, since it was spin the bottle. When the bottle pointed at me, Bianca gave me this look. She licked her bottom lip and smiled with a slow blink. I don’t know anything about relationships or sex or anything, but that was the most suggestive look anyone’s ever given me. I don’t know if the look I gave her back gave away how desperately I wanted her to kiss me. She didn’t hesitate. She crawled over and open-mouth kissed me like she meant it. I really thought she meant it.

But no, Bianca’s just one of those straight girls who kisses girls when there are cute boys around to see.

My phone buzzes and I realize I’m still lying by myself on the grass. It must take me a solid two minutes to get my phone out of my pocket. It’s a text from Bo. I gasp in excitement.

Bo: I may have overreacted . . .

I put all my energy into sending a text that doesn’t give away how drunk I am. It takes a few minutes, but I manage to send one with no typos.

Yami: You may not have.

I put my phone back in my pocket and close my eyes again, focusing on the blaring music from inside. I don’t know how long I’m lying down when I hear two someones lie down on either side of me.

“Whoa, look at the stars,” Amber says. I open my eyes. It’s her and David. Pretty stars. Prettier here than back home.

“Well, that’s bullshit,” I say.

“What’s bullshit?” David asks.

“Rich people even get better stars.” My voice cracks, and I think I’m about to cry. It’s not fair. I want pretty stars, too. David nods like he knows exactly how I feel, and Amber holds my hand without saying anything. I know the rules say I’m not supposed to let straight girls hold my hand, but it makes me feel better, okay? The rules are bullshit.

The music stops, and I’m curious enough to sit back up. There’s a chorus of shushing, then Cesar runs up to me and yanks me to my feet.