The Fragile Ordinary(97)

I hated that for him.

That didn’t mean I wasn’t still a brokenhearted, enraged ex-girlfriend. But I tried to put a stopper on those emotions, because I didn’t want it to lead to a huge argument between Tobias and me. That would make things super awkward for Vicki and Luke, stuck between their two best friends.

I held on to the selfless thought until Thursday lunchtime arrived. Being miserable and pretending not to be miserable for the sake of your friends and for yourself is one of the most exhausting things a person can do. By Thursday I was tired, bitter and resentful. But mostly I was sad and fearing I’d never stop being sad.

It was a scary thought.

So when I walked into the cafeteria and my gaze automatically zoomed in on the rugby table like it always did and I saw Jess Reed sitting next to Tobias, the anger took over the sadness and I gladly let it.

“Uh-oh,” Steph said beside me, having seen the sixth year sitting with my ex.

“That doesn’t mean anything,” Vicki tried to assure me. “Tobias isn’t seeing anyone. Luke would have told me.”

Right. Of course he would. I snorted at the idea as my heart pounded harder and faster in my chest. “Bros before hos.”

“Did you just call me a ho?”

“You know what I mean.”

“Look, let’s just get lunch.” Steph tried to gently nudge me toward the lunch line.

I shook my head. “I’m not hungry. And I’m not staying here to watch the dipshit flirt with Jess Reed. See you in class.”

“Comet!” they called after me, but I was already gone.

Hunger did nothing to abate my anger as I waited in the library for the lunch period to end. English was next, and I’d spent the entire period preparing myself to confront Tobias. I had strapped on my mental boxing gloves, and I was ready to do it because if I didn’t I was going choke on my anger.

The image of him and Jess having sex tried to push its way into my head and I wanted to be sick and scream and cry in equal measure. Everyone would look at the two of them and think, “Well, yeah, that makes more sense.” I hadn’t really given much thought to what anyone else was thinking about our breakup, because I couldn’t handle the speculation on top of everything else, but suddenly I couldn’t help wondering if they were all laughing behind my back.

I charged into English class, my heart leaping in my chest at the sight of him sitting there. Everyone was chatting away, waiting for Mr. Stone, so I took my opportunity immediately. Sliding into the seat next to him, I bent my head to his and said, “Jess Reed? Really?”

Tobias startled at the sound of my voice so close and turned to look at me, his expression carefully blank. “What are you talking about?”

I curled my lip at him, somehow loathing and loving his face in equal measure. “I’m talking about you deliberately trying to hurt me.”

He sneered. “Being self-absorbed again?”

“Me?” I huffed, pushing my face into his aggressively, causing his eyes to flare. “I’m self-absorbed? All this time since Stevie died, all I’ve thought about is you and how you’re feeling. But never, I bet, have you stopped to think about how I’m feeling. You never even noticed when I wasn’t at school! I’m a ghost to you.” My lips trembled and tears filled my eyes but I forced them away. “I know you blame me, but I’m not to blame for what happened to Stevie. I won’t put that on myself. It’s not my fault. I will always regret not trying harder with him or telling someone who could actually have done something to stop him, but I’m not to blame for the choice he made. Neither are you. You are not to blame, Tobias. You are not to blame for choosing me over him. And you shouldn’t regret your decision to not let you or me be pulled into that messy life with him. But if you want to put some misguided blame on yourself and on me, then go ahead. Do it. Hate me and hurt me and don’t even care that you do, but I won’t take it on. I won’t let you make me feel worthless and unlovable again.” A tear escaped but I swiped it away, turning my head so I couldn’t see the emotion in his eyes, raw pain that would soften me if I let it.

I needed to stay strong, because I believed I had every right to say what I just did.

“I’ll walk away from you knowing I didn’t do this to Stevie and I wasn’t the one who turned my back on the person I loved. You’re not guilty of the first, I’ll never believe that, but you are guilty of the second. When I think about that, I can’t imagine ever pushing you away or shutting you out like you have me...and that made me realize something. That you never really loved me. That’s okay,” I whispered. “It’ll only make it easier for me to get over us.”

“Right, class, more exam preparation today I’m afraid,” Mr. Stone said walking into the room completely oblivious, as was everyone else, to me finally standing up for myself.

The chair beside me suddenly scraped back but I didn’t look.

“Tobias, where are you going?” Mr. Stone demanded.

My ex didn’t answer. He just stormed out of class, and I tried really hard not to care.





THE FRAGILE ORDINARYSAMANTHA YOUNG





31

“He’s looking over here. Again,” Steph said, between bites of her burger.

I missed the days when all she could talk about was the school show. The summer show was The King and I and much to Lindsay Wright’s chagrin, Steph was playing Anna. Previous evidence would suggest this was enough to keep Steph talking solely about herself for the next few months.