The Fragile Ordinary(96)
I hated him!
I loathed him!
I wished he’d get on a plane and fly back to bloody North Carolina!
But I didn’t.
Not really.
Because I loved him.
Curled up in bed I found myself sobbing hysterically at an ensemble flick I was watching on Netflix. Later, weeks down the line, I’d look back on that moment in horror, realizing just how low I’d been brought.
Crumpled tissues lay scattered across my duvet along with books, cookies and empty packets of crisps. I was not a pretty sight but I couldn’t seem to care. Even when my dad walked into the room and stared at me in disbelief. I paused the film, wiping my nose with the back of my hand. “What is it?”
Dad’s gaze traveled all over my messy room as he stepped over books and clothes, trying to put his feet on empty floor space. “I was just wondering when you were thinking about going back to school.”
“Never.”
He took a seat on the bed and stared at me with an expression that raised my hackles. “Are you judging me?” I whined. “Seriously?”
He made a face and gestured to the room. “This isn’t really like you.”
“My heart’s broken. I’m wallowing.”
“Yes, well, it seems to me you’ve gone back into hiding.”
“So?”
He exhaled heavily. “I would have thought that Carrie and I were a lesson well learnt.”
“What does that mean?”
His gaze suddenly burned, piercing through me with sadness. “That you shouldn’t let yourself be so consumed by one person that you forget about yourself and the other people around you who care about you.”
If he’d thrown a bucket of freezing cold water over me, it would have had the same effect. I shivered, feeling his words deep in my bones. All this time I’d feared being like my parents, and here I was...depending so deeply on another person to love me that I was losing myself.
“Shit,” I blurted out without thinking.
My dad just gave me this sad smirk. “Can I take that to mean you’ll be going back to school on Monday?”
I swallowed hard, not liking the mirror he’d put in front of me one bit. “Yes.” Going back and facing Tobias would be difficult, but it would be easier than being someone I didn’t want to be. “Thanks.”
He nodded and then seemed to be on the verge of saying something else before he stopped.
“What is it?”
“Well...I don’t want to pile too much on you,” Dad said, “But you need to know Carrie’s going to go traveling for a while. She leaves on Sunday.”
Confused by the turn in conversation it took me a moment to say, “Traveling?”
Why was she traveling? And for how long? And why without Dad? What the hell had I missed?
Dad got up off the bed and walked toward the door, this time apparently not caring about the stuff in his way or too lost in his thoughts to remember any of it was there. “Things have been a bit...well...we haven’t been...” He sighed and shrugged. “Your mum and I need some space from each other.”
I could only stare at him.
Kyle and Carrie Caldwell were taking a break from each other? I knew things had been distant between them but since Stevie had passed I really hadn’t been paying attention to my parents or their relationship. As far as I was concerned it was none of my business. Putting the pieces of the last few months together, I realized that they hadn’t been the same since my confrontations with them at Christmas.
Had what I said to Dad finally awakened him like his words had just awakened me?
“Oh. Okay.” I didn’t know what else to say.
He gave me another sad smile. “We’ll survive without her chicken curry for a while.”
“I have the pizza place on speed dial,” I joked lamely.
His expression told me he appreciated it, lame or not.
*
My first port of call coming out of my cave was Vicki’s. I apologized profusely for pushing her away, but my best friend was admirably understanding.
“I think if Luke broke up with me like that I’d feel the same,” she’d said.
Having not realized she felt that deeply for her boyfriend, I wished with all my heart that he never did.
It was with my two friends by my side that I made my way back into school on Monday, trying to keep not only my nerves at bay but the constant desire to burst into tears. It was one thing to tell yourself not to be a codependent crybaby, and another thing to actually try not to be. My parents being brave enough to take a step back from one another was inspiring though, and I thought if they could do it, I could certainly try to move on from Tobias. It would have been easier for me if he’d been nicer to me. However, I discovered right away that Tobias’s plan was to ignore me. I wondered if he’d even been worried about my absence from school or if I wasn’t even on his radar anymore.
Hurt turned to bitterness and bitterness turned to anger.
As the week wore on with us girls now sitting at a table by ourselves while the rugby boys sat alone, I felt the need to confront Tobias building and building within me. I tried to contain it, because Vicki advised she didn’t think that would do any good. Since our breakup, Vicki was kind of stuck in the middle. She’d chosen to sit with me at lunch, but I knew she missed sitting with Luke and with him graduating this year, she wanted to spend as much time with him as possible. Luke tried to be a good guy and take turns between the two tables, but he’d confessed to Vicki that he felt like he should be there for Tobias because he was still having a hard time over Stevie’s death.