The Fragile Ordinary(95)
Ignoring his snappish tone, I explained, “I’m going to do it, Tobias. I’m finally going to get up on that stage and I’d really like you to be there.”
In my head it had seemed like a great icebreaker. It was something he knew I was nervous and afraid of, and I thought it would make him feel good to know that he had helped me get to the point where I wanted to overcome my fears. Be brave. Moreover, the poem I had chosen to read was one I’d written specifically for him.
Yet the way his expression darkened and the cutting look he shot me made me realize Tobias didn’t think this was the greatest icebreaker at all. “Are you kidding me?”
I shrugged, blushing, because I didn’t understand what I’d done wrong.
“Stevie’s dead and you want to talk about your freaking poetry café? Are you that self-centered? Do you not care?”
Stunned by his reaction, by his accusation, I could only stare at him, struggling to find a reply.
He squeezed his eyes closed as if he was in pain, and when he looked at me I knew what was coming before he’d even opened his mouth. “I can’t do this with you right now. I need a break. I think we should break up.”
THE FRAGILE ORDINARYSAMANTHA YOUNG
30
I’m not your Juliet, you’re not my Romeo,
I won’t let our love end in drama and woe.
—CC
If anyone asked me how I got through the rest of that class I wouldn’t be able to tell them. I had no idea.
All I felt was pain. I remember that much.
Tobias left as soon as the bell rang, while I sat there, stunned. My muscles seemed to hurt when I moved as I forced myself to get up and put my work into my bag. To put my bag over my shoulder and make my feet walk out of the door.
Then Vicki and Steph caught up with me.
“What happened?” Vicki said. “Comet, what’s going on?”
My lips felt numb. I bit them, checking they were still there. They were. So I moved them. “He broke up with me.”
As soon as the words were out it felt like my chest was going to cave in, like the words had been inside me, holding me up, and as soon as they were out pieces of me just started to collapse. Panic suffused me, because I did not want the added humiliation of breaking down in public.
“I have to go,” I spoke over Vicki and Steph, who were surrounding me in concern. “I’m going home.”
“Comet, wait—”
“I’m going home.” And I just started to run.
I didn’t remember the journey to the house. I just knew suddenly my front door was there and beyond it was a place to hide. As soon as I slammed inside I dived for my bedroom, but I was barely in it when I heard my dad call my name. Suddenly he was walking into my room, frowning at me.
“What are you doing home?”
And it was in front of him of all people that I finally fell to pieces, the sob bursting out of me before I could stop it.
It was followed by another and another as my knees gave out.
A strong arm encircled me. “Comet, what happened?” my dad asked, sounding scared, and I realized it was his strong arm around me and he was sitting on the floor with me.
Instead of answering I fell against him and let the shattered shards inside of me rattle with my cries. I’d never felt anything like it.
Tobias was gone from me.
He didn’t want me anymore.
He didn’t love me.
How could he not love me anymore?
“Comet, you’re really scaring me.”
I tried to find the words to explain but I was afraid of his reaction. The fear of him making this into some petty high school drama stalled me. It was more than that. Tobias and I hadn’t felt like puppy love or a first crush.
He was the first person I’d ever truly loved who had loved me back without question.
Until now.
“Tobias...he broke up with me,” I whispered through my tears.
My dad’s arm tightened around me. “I am so sorry. I know how much you love him. Do you want to tell me what happened?”
I shook my head. If I did that, said it all out loud, I was afraid I’d start to believe Tobias had every reason to dump me.
*
My dad did something cool for me and called the school to tell them I was sick.
I stayed “sick” for four more days.
Ignoring calls from Steph and Vicki, I even refused to come to the door when they turned up at the house. Just last week the thought of missing a lit mag team meeting would have made me panic. Now I couldn’t bring myself to care about it.
Instead I locked myself in my bedroom and I read.
I read book after book, losing myself in the world of make-believe, where extraordinary happily ever after endings happened one after the other. Yet...
The HEAs didn’t do for me what they used to. Not one of them gave me giddy butterflies the way that a kiss from Tobias did. Not one of them comforted me the way his addictive hugs did. None of them made me feel angry or sad or safe or excited the way he did. The emotions I went through when reading a good book, I discovered, were merely a muted version of what my emotions could be. I’d never known more color or been more awake than when I’d started living in the real world with Tobias.
And I resented the hell out of him for it.