The Art of Losing(69)

“What’s going on?” she said. She leaned in to give Audrey a hug and whispered something to her. Audrey shook her head, but Neema clearly didn’t believe her.

“I think I’m going to go,” I said. “You guys hang out. Finish the movie if you want.”

Audrey protested, but I waved her off.

“It’s fine. I’ve had you to myself all day. Make some new memories with Neema.”

Audrey reached for a bag of M&M’s. “Take these,” she said. “It may be good to get angry, like you said, but even after being in a coma, I still remember that chocolate makes everything seem better.”

I laughed and kissed her goodbye.

I nodded at Neema. She looked away.

“Okay then,” I said. “Be that way.”

But outside, as I reached my car, Neema was suddenly behind me. Her face was streaked with tears. She was breathing rapidly, as if her grief was so heavy that it was fighting for space with air inside her lungs. “Neema? What is it? What’s wrong? Is Audrey okay?”

She nodded, swallowing hard. “It’s not Mike’s fault, what happened between him and Audrey,” she blurted out. “It’s mine.”

I ignored the leaden feeling in my gut. “What are you talking about?”

Fresh tears streamed down Neema’s face. “I can’t believe she did that to me,” she choked out. “I thought her crush on him was just because he was your boyfriend and she always wanted everything you have.”

I shook my head, bewildered. “What does this have to do with you?”

Neema was trembling; she wouldn’t make eye contact. “I told Audrey that night that I loved her. Like, wanted to be with her. And instead of dealing with it, instead of telling me she didn’t feel the same way, she made out with your boyfriend.”

I reeled back. I felt as if I’d been slapped. Of all the possible confessions, this was the last I expected to hear.

“She was supposed to be with me,” Neema said quietly. “I thought she was finally falling for me. And then she hooked up with him instead.”

“I didn’t realize,” I said lamely.

“That I’m gay?” She rubbed her eyes and finally met my gaze. “Yeah, well, I am. And your sister never made me feel weird about it. But now she can’t remember shit because your asshole boyfriend almost got her killed.”

“I’m really sorry, Neema,” I said. “I know you must feel betrayed. I do, too.”

She bit her lip. It was clear she was fighting back anger and sadness. “I just wanted to say that I was sorry, for not telling you sooner,” she said. “And for leaving that night without doing anything to stop Audrey.” Her eyes filled with tears again. “I saw her drinking with him and then I saw them go upstairs and I followed . . . I saw her kiss him and I just lost it. I had to get out of there.”

“I’m sorry,” I repeated. “I know how much it hurts, believe me. But Audrey loves you—maybe not in the way you want her to, but she does love you. And I appreciate that you still want to be her friend. She needs you.”

Neema nodded. She drew a shaky breath and wiped the tears from her cheeks. “I know,” she said. “I’m not going anywhere. At least I know the truth about how she feels. And if she never remembers, the only way it can ruin our friendship is if I let it.”

Right. My mind went to Raf, as usual.

“I just wanted you to know that it wasn’t Mike who initiated what happened between him and Audrey,” Neema added. “It was Audrey. And it was because of me.”

It dawned on me, finally, what she was really telling me. I’d been angry at Mike for so long, and I had forgiven Audrey. But now . . .

“I’m not saying you should forgive Mike,” Neema clarified. Her voice was even. She pushed her thick hair off her shoulders while she spoke. She seemed lighter already, now that this secret was off her chest. “But I can tell how much it’s been weighing on you. You look more exhausted every time I see you. I just thought you should know the truth.”

I tried to nod. My head felt like it was full of cotton.

She smiled grimly and shrugged. “Anyway, thanks for listening. And I’m sorry again for . . . well, for everything.”

“Me too,” I said quietly as she walked away.

I lay in bed that evening thinking of Neema. It was hard enough being in love with someone you could never have. Audrey’s betrayal must have made it hurt so much more. But Neema was strong. She’d get through it. She already had the ability to say how she felt, out loud, to the person she loved. That night, she hadn’t let the fear of what Audrey might say or how she might react stop her. And she didn’t run away from the possibility of being hurt—whether it was now or in the future.

I should have told Raf how I felt. But I didn’t have the same strength that Neema did.

At least Mike hadn’t been the one who initiated their kiss. On the other hand, he hadn’t told me about Audrey pursuing him. I thought he would have at least tried to use that to get me to forgive him . . .

I was exhausted from running laps in my mind. I didn’t want to be alone, and I couldn’t stop thinking about Raf, and I couldn’t call him. This was an emergency. Which meant I knew exactly who to call.

It was time for Cassidy.