The Art of Losing(67)

My throat ached with the building tears.

“It sounds like you’re feeling pulled in a lot of different directions, emotionally speaking,” Dr. Talia said.

I nodded, but all of that wasn’t what was really bugging me right at that moment.

“But, um, there’s something else,” I said.

“More than all that?” she asked.

“Yeah,” I said, slowly. “See, I’ve been hanging out with my next-door neighbor, Rafael, a lot lately. We were friends as kids, but we only recently reconnected.”

“Okay,” she said, drawing the word out so it sounded like a question.

“He’s a recovering addict or alcoholic, or maybe both,” I said. “And then last night, he got drunk after six months of sobriety.”

“How did that make you feel?” she asked.

“I feel betrayed. I can’t believe he would drink again after seeing what Audrey has been through. What I’ve been through,” I added, my voice quieter.

“That’s understandable,” she said.

I sighed. “I know it’s not my fault or anything. But he was, like, proof that people can change. That things can get better. And now . . .” I paused. “I don’t know what happens now.”

Dr. Talia nodded and jotted more notes, as if realizing something about me. “You can’t control what other people do, Harley. That’s something you should learn as early as possible.”

“No, I know that,” I said. “But Raf blamed me. For being ambivalent about what I want, I guess. About whether I want to date him or not.”

“He’s feeling confused because you’re confused,” she said.

I nodded. “I do really like him,” I continued. “But how can I date an alcoholic when my boyfriend’s drinking is the reason my sister is lying in a hospital bed?”

She spread her hands on her desk. “I can’t answer that question for you,” she said.

“I feel like an idiot for trusting him,” I said, “and for believing that he wouldn’t drink again.”

“So you’re angry?”

I thought about that for a few seconds. “Yes. I understand why he would want to drink. I get why he’s lonely and why he’s sad. But yeah. I’m pissed.”

“And have you told him that?”

I shook my head. “No. I have this tendency to compartmentalize things. Like, with Raf, I was more concerned with making sure he was safely home and that he didn’t get in trouble. Then once I knew he was safe, I got mad, but I didn’t tell him I was.” I didn’t want to admit the next part, but I figured therapy was about figuring out your patterns and I just had a lightbulb moment. “I used to do that with Mike, too. I’d be so pissed at him for drinking or doing something stupid, but I’d just fume about it internally and rarely would actually say anything to him. Not until it built up, and then it would seem like I was overreacting because my anger wasn’t about one situation; it was about all of them.”

My chest hurt with the realization. This wasn’t me. Or not the me I thought I was. Or wanted to be.

“Why are you getting upset?” Dr. Talia asked.

I brought my fingers to my cheeks, brushing away the tears. “Because I don’t like that about myself.”

She nodded. “So do you think maybe you can change that? Start standing up for yourself?”

I twisted my lips to one side while I considered that. “I think so, yes. I stood up to Mike finally, but only after he cheated on me, almost killing Audrey in the process.” I took a shaky breath in. “I used to be way more confident. Raf reminds me of that all the time.”

“Interesting,” she said again. “We like to say that people don’t change, but that’s not true; they do. They grow up and they mature, their interests change, and they learn. Rafael has a lot more growing to do at this age and so do you. You’re still figuring out who you are and how to handle yourself in tough situations. So take it a little easier on both him and on yourself, okay?”

I nodded as relief and guilt collided.

Dr. Talia crossed her legs and leaned toward me. “Rafael may be an addict, and he may relapse again, but the real test will be to see what he does with it. He may have changed in the short-term, but the proof will be if he can go back to the program, stick with it, work the twelve steps, and make long-term changes.”

I saw now why Raf liked going to therapy. It gave a person permission to feel exactly the way they were feeling. There was nothing wrong with having doubts about how I’d handled things with Raf and Mike and Audrey, nothing wrong about the fear that I might want to change who I was but didn’t know how, nothing wrong with wanting to believe Raf could change, too.

“What is it that you want to change about yourself?” Dr. Talia asked.

Right, I thought. This is where it gets difficult. I wasn’t even sure where to begin.

“I guess . . . I don’t even know. I just want to be more . . . me. I want to stand up for myself and say what I’m feeling when I’m feeling it.”

Dr. Talia nodded. “Sometimes it’s hard to identify those feelings in the moment, though. So I have an exercise I want you to try.”

Oh, good, homework. I was good at homework.

“I want you to think back on situations where you had strong feelings, good or bad, and write down those memories. Identify what you felt then and what you might realize now. I think you’ll see that it’s not always easy to react to a situation while you’re in it. Sometimes sisters are mean to each other for no reason. Sometimes things take time to sink in. Sometimes we have to build up the courage to do what’s right or stand up for ourselves.”