The Art of Losing(64)

“I’m angry, too. I just can’t imagine what would have made your sister do that to you.” Mom’s nostrils flared as she took a deep breath. “But it doesn’t change the way I think of Audrey. She made a mistake.”

Anger rose in my chest again, but this time it felt good, or at least justified. “Seriously? You’re not forgiving Raf for his mistakes, and you’ve clearly been blaming me for what happened to Audrey, but you can just let it go that Audrey made out with my boyfriend?”

Mom stiffened. She knew I was right. She nodded rigidly. “You make a good point,” she said. “But I nearly lost one of my daughters already, and I can’t stop worrying that the same thing will happen to you.”

I took a deep breath before I spoke, to avoid saying something I would regret. “I might see where you’re coming from,” I said steadily. “But I need you to trust me.”

Her lips pulled into a straight line, but she nodded. “I do trust you. And I’m sorry if you feel that I’ve been blaming you for what happened to your sister. I never liked Mike, and it doesn’t shock me at all that this happened to him. I just wish that Audrey hadn’t gotten caught up in his vortex of destruction.”

A hot tear slid down my cheek. “But isn’t that my fault?” I whispered. “That she ever even met him?”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Mom said. “You can’t blame yourself. But after what you’ve told me, I have to at least lay some of the blame on your sister.” She sighed heavily. “Are you going to tell Audrey what she did?”

I slumped against her. “I don’t know. I guess it’s not really fair for me to tell her. If she doesn’t have to live with this, if her memory never comes back, I feel like it would be selfish of me to burden her with this.”

Mom suddenly burst into tears.

“God, Mom! Why are you crying?” I said, pulling away so I could look at her.

“You’re just becoming such a grown-up,” she said, sniffling.

“Oh, that,” I said bitterly. “It turns out it’s not as fun as it seems.”

She laughed and wiped her eyes. “Yeah, I recommend making a quick U-turn while you still can.”

I smiled and said, “Don’t push it, woman. I’m growing up, like it or not.”

“Don’t remind me,” she groaned. “We were supposed to do a college tour this summer. I promise, we’ll do it this fall, when Audrey is settled at home.”

“It’s okay,” I said. And it was. I hadn’t even thought about it. Not lately. “I think I’ll probably stay closer to home than I’d originally planned anyway.”

Mom pulled me in for a final hug. “Thank you, baby duck. You’re a good daughter.”

“I know. But, um, Mom?” I said. “Do you think you could ask Aunt Tilly for a recommendation of a therapist for me?”

She pushed back to look at me, nodding. “Of course,” she said simply. She surprised me again by not asking questions or asking if I wanted her to go with me. I guess we were both changing.

That night, I woke up to a voice calling my name outside my window. My phone beeped, alerting me to a text. And then again. And again. I picked it up, squinting at the bright screen in the dark. I had seven texts from Raf.

Wake up, read the first.

Srsly, come hang out.

WKAE UP! WAKEPU!

IMOUTSDE

They continued like that, getting less and less coherent. I stood and opened the curtain, dreading what I would see. Raf was swaying back and forth on the front lawn, his hands cupped around his mouth, about to yell again. I waved my arms at him and he grinned. He motioned for me to come outside, nearly toppling backward with the effort.

My stomach lurched. Oh, God, no. He was drunk. Raf had relapsed.

I opened the window. “Shhhh,” I called down to him. “You’re going to wake up the entire neighborhood. Stay there. I’m coming down.”

Raf cheered loudly, and I shut the window to drown him out. I sighed as I pulled on the clothes I’d worn that day and slipped my feet into flip-flops. I checked my hair in the mirror on my way out and decided to pull it into a ponytail.

He was sitting slumped on the front steps when I got downstairs, so my first task was to get him back into his own house without waking up either of our parents. I sat down next to him on the stairs.

“Hey, Harley Quinn,” he said. My mind suddenly flashed to Mike, and rage flared in my chest.

“Don’t call me that,” I snapped.

I draped Raf’s long arm around my shoulders and nudged him to his feet. He was heavy and unwieldy as he took unsteady steps toward his house. The basement door was unlocked and I pushed him inside in front of me. He tumbled to the floor. I had to step over him, pushing his legs out of the way to close the door.

I pulled him up off the floor and into his bedroom. There was torn paper all over the carpet, and as I deposited him heavily onto his bed, I glanced around and noticed that the Wall of Fame was torn down. Shredded, actually.

I sat down next to Raf on his bed, and he looked up at me with bloodshot eyes.

“You came outside,” he said. “I didn’t think you were gonna.”

“What’s going on, Raf?” I asked as gently as I could. “What made you drink tonight?”