Shut Out(22)

“I’m glad it’s working,” I said, tugging on the bottom of my shirt. I was also glad that her reservations about the ethicality of using sex seemed to have faded. “I knew it would work, of course, but it’s nice to hear other people are, uh, having success.”

“I know what you mean.”

She moved to face the mirror, searching for nonexistent blemishes on her perfect complexion. I was sure she was right about how she’d looked Saturday night. Even in her sweatpants and oversized T-shirt, Susan looked like a queen, her black hair pulled up into a simple ponytail at the top of her head, accenting her high cheekbones. Poor Luther.

“Actually,” Susan said after a moment, “I was thinking: Maybe the other girls would feel the same way. Like, it might make them more confident if they heard everyone else’s stories.”

“Maybe,” I said. “Oh, we could e-mail our stories to one another through the e-mail chain I set up. That would be—”

“I was actually thinking more along the lines of slumber parties,” she cut in, turning back to me. “With all twelve of us, plus whatever soccer girlfriends joined. It’ll be crowded as hell, but it might still be fun. I can host the first one. This weekend? Like, after the game Friday?”

I hesitated. Images of pillows being tossed and furniture being overturned coursed through my mind. I wasn’t exactly a slumber-party expert, but I could just picture the chaos of twelve-plus girls piled into one room. I mean, I could barely sleep sharing a room with just Chloe. Twelve girls? It wasn’t something I thought I’d particularly enjoy.

But the other girls would. Susan was looking at me with such excitement, such certainty that this would help the others. I had to put the cause before my own control issues. I had to think of Randy and Pete and the other boys who had been hurt in this feud.

Knowing I would likely regret it later, I said, “That sounds like a great idea, Susan.”


So that afternoon I sent out an e-mail to all the girls who had taken the oath in the library last Tuesday, instructing them to be at Susan’s house on Cherry Drive no later than nine on Friday night, once the football game ended. After double-and triple-checking the e-mail for spelling and punctuation, I wrote a postscript to Ellen that she should forward the message to the soccer players’ girlfriends she’d convinced to join us. Then I clicked send.

“You okay?” Cash asked when I’d shut off the library computer from which I’d sent the e-mail. Our shift was about to start, and this time, he’d arrived early.

“Yes. Why wouldn’t I be?” I asked a little too harshly.

Cash shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t know,” he said. “You just look really stressed.”

“I always look stressed,” I told him.

“Well, we should do something about that,” he said, giving me a smile as he brushed past me, carrying a stack of autobiographies.

“Oh, yeah?” I asked. “And how do we plan on doing that?”

He looked over his shoulder at me. “I could think of a few ways.”

I gaped, shocked that he was being so suggestive.

Cash’s face shifted into an expression of horror and he spun around to face me. “Oh—I didn’t mean it like that.” He shook his head and adjusted the books in his arms. “I was going to say, like, yoga or journaling or whatever it is people do to relieve… Yeah. Sorry.”

But I was laughing now. I couldn’t help it—he just looked so abashed. “Don’t worry about it. I’ll be gentle.” The words slipped out of my mouth before I remembered that I was referencing our night over the summer—the night I was pretending never happened.

Cash chuckled and winked at me. “How do you know I don’t want it rough?”

Okay, that time it definitely wasn’t an accident.

But Cash walked away toward the bookshelves, leaving me with my eyes clenched shut in embarrassment. It wasn’t like I could tell him off for flirting with me when, admittedly, I’d kind of started it.

I grabbed a few children’s books and ran upstairs to shelve them, putting an entire floor between Cash and me. Unfortunately, less than ten minutes later, Jenna found me hiding out.

“What are you doing?” she asked, raising an eyebrow at me.

“Nothing,” I said, pretending to re-alphabetize the shelf in front of me. “My job. Why?”

“That shelf is fine,” she said. “But Cash needs your help downstairs. I just checked in a bunch of books and I need you two to put them away.”

I sighed. I’d hoped to avoid him for the rest of the afternoon. I should have known it wouldn’t work.

I started to walk toward the stairs, but Jenna called after me. “Hey, Lissa?”

“Yes?” I was hoping she would change her mind, assign me to do something away from Cash.

“Is, um… Is your brother picking you up tonight?”

“Yeah. Why?”

“No reason… Okay, what are you waiting for? Chop, chop. Cash is waiting for you.”

I rolled my eyes and kept walking. Oh, God, Jenna had a thing for Logan. I so didn’t need to know that.

Cash smiled at me when I reached the first floor. “Hey,” he said. “I’ve already piled the returned books here.” He gestured to the cart. “Now we just need to put them away.”