Remember Jamie Baker (Jamie Baker #3)(79)
The story was like all of Ryan’s memories—bittersweet. How could I be so desperate to know everything they have to tell me about my life even though each time I hear something new, it hurts my heart so badly I want to scream?
As dinner went on, the frustration only grew. Before, it had only been Ryan that really knew me. Sitting at dinner with my boyfriend, my best friend, and my parents, I realized I couldn’t go back to my old life. I may have known who I was now—may have gotten my life back—but it would never truly be mine again.
These people knew a different person. They knew their daughter, or their best friend, or fiancée. They knew Jamie Baker. I looked like Jamie and even acted like her, but I wasn’t her. Not anymore. Not completely. I felt more like April O’Neil, the confused amnesiac girl who’d been living under a rock for six months. In a sense, I was April O’Neil, and only trying to be Jamie Baker. The realization was so depressing that I lost my appetite. I only picked at the apple cobbler à la mode that I ordered for dessert, even though it smelled heavenly.
Ryan noticed I wasn’t eating and frowned. “You okay, babe?”
“I’m fine.”
“You sure? Because you—”
“I said I’m fine.” The lights flickered. Obviously I wasn’t fine. I took a deep breath and grimaced at all of the shocked, concerned faces around the table. “I’m sorry. I can’t do this. I don’t want to talk about the past anymore. No more Jamie stories. The girl you’re talking about isn’t me.”
“Yes, it is,” Becky said.
“No. It was.” I met each of their gazes and shook my head. “Your Jamie died in that explosion. This—knowing the truth, meeting you all, getting my real life back—is all I’ve wanted for the last six months. But I see now that I can’t get it back. Stories aren’t memories. You’re all sitting here laughing and talking together like you’re family, and I’m this awkward outsider.”
Hurt flashed in my mother’s eyes. “Jamie, sweetheart, that’s not true.”
“It is true. Ryan is more your son than I am your daughter. I can’t be your Jamie. Without my memory, I’m not her. I’m just April O’Neil, the only girl I’ve been for as long as I can remember.”
I rose to my feet, filled with a new sense of determination. Ryan scrambled to his feet beside me and snatched my hand. “Jamie, where are you going?”
“Back to the base. Donovan has what I need, and I’m going to get it.”
He immediately shook his head. “Jamie, no. It’s too dangerous. We’ll—”
“I’m going.” I pulled my hand from his grasp. “If you want in on the mission, then I suggest you hurry back.”
I took off. At superspeed. I knew I’d probably hurt Ryan’s feelings, but if I’d stayed and driven back with him, we’d just have gotten in a fight. He wasn’t going to agree with this, and there was nothing he could say that would stop me. He didn’t understand. All he saw was the danger that lay ahead. To him, my life wasn’t worth the risk. For me, my life was already taken, so I had nothing to lose.
. . . . .
When I got back, Major Wilks was in the command center, talking to Geek. Both men were surprised to see me back so soon—and without my blonde-haired, blue-eyed shadow—but neither of them asked. I flashed the baby-faced computer wiz a smile, showing more confidence than I felt. I was embarrassed about losing it in front of everyone earlier, but I was not about to let anyone know it. “Hey, Geek. How’s it going? You crack Teddy’s microchips yet?”
Geek’s eyes glazed over at the mention of the impossible challenge. “Not even close.” He shook his head and laughed. “What I wouldn’t give to have a tenth of your friend’s capability. Do you think if we get him back he’ll show me how he did it?”
I smirked. There was no way Teddy would give up his tricks of the trade. “Would you, if you were him?”
Geek sighed.
I slapped his shoulder. “Sorry, my friend. But hey, considering the lies he told me, I’d be happy to torture the information out of him for you when we get him back.”
Geek squinted at me, unsure if I was joking or not. Honestly, I wasn’t sure myself.
Major Wilks broke the sudden silence by clearing his throat. “Angel.” He greeted me with a curt nod. “How was dinner with your parents and your friend? Are you feeling better?”
The fact that he didn’t bust me for my tantrum, though I totally deserved it, made me feel bad. He was a pretty decent guy, and I wasn’t making life easy for him. “Dinner was…harder than I expected. And no, I’m really not feeling any better.”
“I’m sorry to hear that.” The man looked sincere in his sympathy. “I imagine things must be quite difficult for you right now. If you’d like, we have an excellent psychologist here on the base. She’s very good with soldiers dealing with post-traumatic stress and whatnot. She might be able to help you make sense of some of your emotions.”
I snorted. The guy basically just told me I could use a good shrink, but it was impossible to take any offense when the offer was so appealing. My head was enough of a mess that I could admit a little help would be nice. “I might take you up on that eventually, but if it’s all right with you, I’d rather focus on the mission right now and deal with my personal problems later.”