Remember Jamie Baker (Jamie Baker #3)(82)

I felt bad for him. I really did. I understood why he was being so sensitive about this. But I also had a feeling he would be against even the most foolproof plan. I got out of my seat and rounded the table to where he sat. When I stood, he followed my lead and met me halfway. “Don’t do this.”

I took his hands in mine and tried to sound as reassuring as possible when I said, “I’ll be careful. I don’t know exactly what to expect, but I’m much better prepared than last time.”

“That’s not good enough, babe. Not this time. This plan you’ve thought up, it’ll be exactly what Donovan is expecting. You’ll be walking into a trap.”

“I know that.”

Ryan’s whole demeanor changed. In a split second he went from desperate, fearful, loving boyfriend to angry and hurt. He pulled his hands out of my grip and took a small step back. “You know that,” he repeated. His jaw clenched. “You just don’t care.”

I started to deny it, but he was right. I didn’t care. I was walking into a trap and it didn’t matter. Donovan was the only person in the world who could restore my memory. If it took putting myself in his hands and figuring out a way to escape later in order to remember my life, then so be it.

Ryan read the truth in my eyes. “Your memories are that important to you? That you’d risk your safety? Your freedom?”

“Yours are that important to you, too,” I said. “You just don’t realize it because you have them. I have to do this, Ryan. This is my only chance. It’s worth the risk.”

“Why?” Ryan walked away from me, raking his hands through his hair. After a moment, he whirled back around, nailing me to the wall with his desperation. “Why is this not good enough for you? You know the truth. You have your family back. The ACEs. You have a future. Why can’t that be enough? Why can’t you accept it?”

I knew what he was really asking. I didn’t think he’d say it, but then he did. “I used to be enough for you. What’s changed, Jamie? How come you can’t accept my love anymore? Why is the past more important than what’s standing right in front of you?”

He was killing me. Teddy had lost his temper out of frustration like this so many times, and it always hurt. But this…this was so much worse. This was devastating. Ryan’s heart was breaking right now, but so was mine. “I don’t know what to say,” I whispered. The flickering lights above our head gave away my feelings despite the tears I refused to shed. “You don’t understand. You can’t possibly understand what it’s like.”

“You’re right. I can’t.” Ryan’s voice became clipped. Bitter. “I don’t.”

He started to storm out of the room and both my mother and Becky went to him, stopping him from leaving. I watched as they both took him in their arms, offering him words of comfort. Giving him sympathy and encouragement. The sight was as heartbreaking as the situation itself. My mother saw us both hurting, and she’d gone to him. She hadn’t even hesitated. I didn’t blame her for being on his side in this argument. She loved him. She understood what he was going through because she was experiencing it, too. But just because I understood didn’t mean a part of me didn’t feel betrayed that she cared more about him than her own daughter. My father saw the way I watched my mother comfort Ryan and seemed to understand how much it hurt me. “Sweetheart,” he murmured, jumping up from his chair.

He tried to come to me, but I threw my hands up, warding him off. “No!” I backed away from him. “I don’t want your pity.”

My father’s face cracked, and his eyes misted over. My father, a bear of a man, had tears in his eyes. “It’s not pity, baby. We love you. We’re not choosing sides.”

My mom gasped, finally realizing how her actions had looked to me. She jumped away from Ryan and joined my father. “Sweetheart, no.” She curled into my father’s side when he wrapped his arm around her. “Of course not. I love Ryan like a son, but I could never choose him over you. That’s not what I was doing.”

I shook my head. “Not on purpose. But you can’t help it. You love him. You know him. You understand what he’s going through. I’m the outsider here. The stranger you can’t relate to.”

Ryan and Becky joined my parents, both shaking their heads as if denying my words. Whether they believed it or not, the truth was right there for everyone in the room to see as they all stood, huddled together, facing me. There was a line in this struggle—two different sides. I was alone on one side, and they were all on the other. I understood, but it hurt all the same. And it only solidified my resolve. I couldn’t live like this, with this divide between us.

“Don’t you get it?” My voice faltered and I waved at the space between us. “If I don’t get my memories back, we’ll never get past this. It’ll always be all of you against me. Maybe you guys can accept that, but I can’t. I can’t live the rest of my life competing with a ghost, a memory that I don’t even have. You guys don’t love me. You love her. You want her back. But I’m not her.”

My mom shook her head, sniffling. “Jamie, sweetheart, why are you acting like this? This isn’t you.”

“EXACTLY!” I shouted, finally losing my temper. “I’M. NOT. THAT. JAMIE. ANYMORE!”