Loveless (Osemanverse #10)(96)

‘So,’ said Pip, twisting her body round so she was facing me. ‘Keira Knightley. Thoughts?’

I snorted. ‘Are you asking me whether I fancy Keira Knightley?’

‘Yup.’

‘Oh.’ So this was how we were doing it. ‘Well, um, no.’

‘What about … girls in general?’

Pip held her mug in front of her mouth, staring at me with quiet cautiousness.

‘No,’ I murmured.

I guess I was sure about that now. But it still felt almost impossible to admit. For Pip, at least, it probably would have been easier to understand if I did like girls.

‘So … the thing with Rooney …’ Pip looked down. ‘Was it … were you just curious, or …?’

Curious. I wanted to laugh. I was, and always had been, the opposite of curious.

‘Desperate is the word I would use,’ I said before I could stop myself.

Pip frowned, confused. ‘Desperate for what?’

‘Desperate to like someone.’ I looked at Pip. ‘Anyone.’

‘Why?’ she whispered.

‘Because … I don’t. I can’t. I can’t like anyone. Not boys, not girls, not anyone.’ I ran a hand over my hair. ‘I just … can’t. I never will.’

I waited for the words that would inevitably follow. You don’t know that. You’ll meet someone one day. You just haven’t met the right person.

But all she said was, ‘Oh.’

She nodded slowly in that way she did when she was thinking hard about something.

I was just going to have to say the words.

‘It’s called aromantic asexual,’ I said on an exhale.

‘Oh,’ she said again.

I waited for her to say something more, but she didn’t. She just sat there, thinking really hard.

‘Thoughts?’ I said, letting out a small, nervous laugh. ‘Do I need to look it up on Wikipedia for you?’

Pip snapped out of her little thought bubble and looked at me. ‘No. No Wikipedia needed.’

‘I get that it sounds weird.’ I could feel myself going red. Would I ever stop feeling embarrassed about explaining this to people?

‘It’s not weird.’

‘It sounds weird, though.’

‘No, it doesn’t.’

‘It does.’

‘Georgia.’ Pip smiled, a little exasperated. ‘You’re not weird.’

She was the first person who’d said that to me.

I hated that I still felt, sometimes, underneath it all, that I wasn’t normal.

But maybe getting over that would take time.

Maybe, little by little, I could start to believe that I was OK.

‘A bit wordy, though, isn’t it?’ Pip continued, leaning back on to the side of the bed. ‘Eight whole syllables. Bit of a mouthful.’

‘Some people call it aro-ace for short.’

‘Oh, that’s way better. That sounds like a character from Star Wars.’ She made a dramatic gesture with one hand. ‘Aro Ace. Defender of the universe.’

‘OK, I hate that.’

‘Come on. You like space.’

‘No.’

We were just joking, but I sort of wanted to scream. Take me seriously.

She could tell.

‘Sorry,’ she said. ‘I don’t know how to talk about serious things without making it into a joke.’

I nodded. ‘Yeah. It’s fine.’

‘Did you … feel like that all through school?’

‘Yeah. I wasn’t really aware of it, though.’ I shrugged. ‘Just thought I was super picky. And my fake feelings for Tommy were a bit of a red herring.’

Pip rested her head against my sheets, waiting to hear more.

‘I guess … I always felt, like … uncomfortable when I tried to have feelings for anyone. Like, it just felt wrong and awkward. Like what happened with Jason. I knew I didn’t like him like that because when we tried to do anything romantic, it just felt … wrong. But I guess I thought that everyone felt like that and I just needed to keep trying.’

‘Can I ask a dumb question?’ Pip interrupted.

‘Er, yeah?’

‘This is going to sound bad, but, like, how do you know you won’t find someone one day?’

This was the question that had been plaguing me for months.

But when Pip asked me it then, I realised I knew the answer.

Finally.

‘Because I know myself. I know what I feel and … what I have the capability to feel, I think.’ I smiled weakly at her. ‘I mean, how do you know you won’t fall for a guy one day?’

Pip made a face.

I laughed. ‘Yeah, exactly. You just know that about yourself. And now I know too.’

There was a pause and I could hear my own heart thumping in my chest. God, I couldn’t wait until talking about this didn’t give me high adrenaline and nervous sweats.

Suddenly, Pip slammed her empty mug down on the carpet and cried, ‘I can’t believe neither of us realised this earlier! For fuck’s sake! Why the fuck are we like this!’

I picked up her mug, slightly alarmed, and put it safely out of the way on my bedside table. ‘What d’you mean?’