Loveless (Osemanverse #10)(95)

I realised suddenly that this was probably not the best impression to give Pip, who had been angry at me and Rooney because she thought we were an item.

‘Um,’ I said. ‘This is not – we weren’t –’

‘I know,’ said Pip. She smiled at me, and I knew then that she believed me. ‘Hey, has Roderick shrunk?’

She walked over to Roderick and crouched down. Despite the amount of leaves I’d had to cut off, he actually seemed to have grown since I last watered him. Maybe he wasn’t totally dead after all.

Pip shivered suddenly, which was when I remembered that both she and I were pretty much drenched from the waist down.

I dug out a pair of joggers for her and some pyjamas for me, and when I turned round, Pip was practically ripping her jeans from her legs in her haste to get out of them.

My joggers were comically long on Pip, but she rolled them up and soon we were huddled on the carpet, our backs against the side of the bed, with mugs of hot chocolate and a blanket over our legs.

I knew I needed to be the first to say something about everything that had happened, but I was still so bad at having deep conversations or talking about my emotions in any way that it took a few minutes of Pip chatting aimlessly about her course and her nights out with friends before I said what I really wanted to say.

Which was, ‘I’m sorry. I know I’ve already said that, but, yeah. I really am.’

Pip looked at me.

‘Oh,’ she said. ‘Yeah.’

‘I completely understand you not talking to me after the whole thing at the Bailey Ball,’ I continued, not quite able to look her in the eye. ‘I’m sorry for … you know, what happened. It was a shitty thing to do. For … several reasons.’

Pip said nothing for a moment. Then she turned away and nodded.

‘Thanks for saying that,’ she said, awkwardly flattening her curls. ‘I … I think I knew right away that it was a mistake for both of you, but … yeah. It still hurt.’

‘Yeah.’

‘I just …’ She looked up at me, right in the eyes. ‘OK. We’re being honest, right?’

‘Yeah. Of course.’

‘Well … I did like Rooney. I really did.’ She tilted her head back. ‘I know I never outright said it, but … I didn’t want to admit it to myself. But you knew, right? I mean, you said you knew.’

I had known. That’s what made this situation so awful.

‘Yeah,’ I said.

‘I … I didn’t want to admit it, because, like …’ She laughed. ‘I am so fucking done with liking straight girls. Literally my whole teenage life I spend pining after straight girls, maybe getting like one kiss from a slightly curious girl who immediately goes back to her boyfriend, and then I come to uni hoping to finally meet a solid range of other queer girls … and I just immediately fall for a straight girl again.’ She smacked her forehead with one hand. ‘Why am I the actual dumbest gay alive?’

I grinned. I couldn’t help it.

‘Shut up,’ said Pip, also grinning. ‘I know. I know. I was doing so well. I joined Pride Soc and LatAm Soc and I even went to a couple of those stupid Ultimate Frisbee games, but like … I was still making the same mistakes. Then when you and her kissed, I just – it just felt like the biggest betrayal from both of you.’

I hugged her. Tight. ‘I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.’

She hugged me back. ‘I know.’

We stayed like that for a long time.

Then she said, ‘I just don’t understand why the kiss happened. Like … I don’t think I’ve ever been so genuinely shocked by anything in my life.’

I felt myself go a bit red. ‘Didn’t Rooney explain?’

‘To be honest, I was so pissed off that I barely listened to what she was saying.’ She huffed out a laugh. ‘And by the time I calmed down, it was kind of too late.’

‘Oh.’

Pip looked at me. ‘Georgia … I don’t want to … force you to talk about anything that you don’t want to talk about. Like, that’s not what people should do to anyone, especially their friends, and especially about things like … like sexuality.’ Her voice grew softer. ‘But … I at least want you to know that you can talk to me about it, if you want to, and I promise I would understand.’

I felt frozen.

She knew something was up.

She’d known for ages, probably.

‘I don’t know whether you’d understand,’ I said in a very small voice.

Pip paused, then let out a short, exasperated chuckle. ‘I’m not sure if you’re aware of this fact, Georgia Warr, but I am an exceptionally humungous lesbian with a lifetime of experience in gay thoughts.’

I laughed. ‘I know. I was there all through your Keira Knightley phase.’

‘Erm, my Keira Knightley phase is still ongoing, thank you very much. I’ve still got that poster in my room at home.’

‘Still?’

‘I can’t throw it away. It represents my gay awakening.’

‘You can’t throw it away because she’s hot, you mean.’

‘Maybe so.’

We both grinned, but I didn’t know where to go from there. Should I just say it? Should I find an article for her to read? Should I just drop this whole topic because she’d never understand?