Loveless (Osemanverse #10)(93)

‘I don’t mind you crying,’ I said.

‘I just … I hate the idea of people knowing me because … surely then they’ll hate me the same way I hate myself.’

‘But I don’t,’ I said. ‘I don’t hate you.’

She didn’t reply. She kept her eyes closed. And I don’t know when we both fell asleep but we did, tangled up like that in our makeshift double bed, and I knew there was no easy way to fix this, but I hoped she felt safe, at least. Maybe I would never be able to replace Beth, and maybe Rooney would take a long time to dig her way out of these feelings, and maybe there was nothing I could do to help at all. But I hoped she felt safe with me.





Sunday arrived, and I was wearing a full suit and tie – borrowed from one of Sunil and Jess’s friends, as I didn’t own anything nearly this cool myself – staring down at a rowing boat.

It wasn’t one of the racing boats – it was wider, made for casual trips down the river, so we’d all actually fit in with the instruments and it’d be unlikely that anyone would fall out. But I was still starting to feel like this was a terrible idea.

‘This was a terrible idea,’ I said to Jason, who was standing next to me at the riverbank wearing a large, bright-yellow life jacket over his own suit and tie. It was a look.

‘It’s not a terrible idea,’ he said. ‘It’s a very good idea.’

‘I’ve changed my mind. I want to die.’

‘Is it the boat you’re afraid of or what happens after we all get in the boat?’

‘All of the above. I regret that a boat was ever involved.’

Jason swung an arm round me and gave me a squeeze. I rested my head against him.

‘You can do this, OK? I mean, you’re absolutely fucking insane for doing this, but this is literally going to go down in history. Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if it went viral.’

I shot him a panicked look. ‘I do not want this to go viral. I want to do this and then never think about it again. No one is allowed to post this on YouTube.’

‘OK. It won’t go viral. We can forget this day ever happened.’

‘Thank you.’

‘Life jacket?’

‘Yes, please.’

He helped me into a life jacket. Bright purple.

Rooney approached us, also in a suit, with a navy life jacket on, holding her tambourine.

‘You ready?’ she asked.

‘No,’ I said.

Sunil and Jess were behind us, instruments in hands. Sunil shot me a strong thumbs up.

‘Everything will be fine,’ said Sunil.

‘And if it’s not,’ said Jess, ‘at least we’ll have had fun!’

‘Now get in the fucking boat,’ said Jason.

I sighed and got in the fucking boat.

We had spoken to one of the few people I knew was friends with Pip. Or, rather, Jason had. Jason was friends with him on Facebook and had messaged him asking if he could get Pip to arrive at Elvet Bridge at five o’clock exactly – roughly the time the sun would start to set. The guy agreed.

I’d done seven school shows and four youth theatre productions. I’d gone to university three hundred miles away from home, I’d agreed to share a room with a stranger, I’d gone clubbing for the first time despite knowing I’d hate it, and I’d come out to four whole people.

Somehow, none of that was as scary as this.

But I was going to do this. For Pip.

To show her that I loved her.

Jason – who I realised suddenly had built up a lot of muscle strength since joining the rowing club – rowed the five of us down the river. It wasn’t far from John’s to Elvet Bridge, but we started to draw a lot of attention as we approached the town centre, rowing along in our suits and ties with musical instruments stored cautiously at our feet.

There was absolutely no need to do this from a boat other than for dramatic effect. And I was regretting it a little. But, overall, I knew that Pip would love this. Pip loved anything that was a little ridiculous and theatrical.

The others were all laughing and gabbling excitedly, which I was glad for, because I was so nervous I couldn’t even talk. It was freezing too, but at least the adrenaline was keeping me warm.

The bridge slowly approached from the distance. Sunil kept checking his watch to make sure we were on time.

‘Nearly there,’ Jason murmured from behind me.

I turned to him, feeling comforted by his presence.

‘It’s gonna be amazing,’ he said.

‘Yeah?’

‘Yeah.’

I tried out a little smile. ‘Thanks for helping.’

Jason shrugged. ‘We’re friends.’

I grinned. ‘Let me know if you need any help with any elaborate platonic gestures of your own.’

‘I will.’

And when I turned back and looked up at the bridge, Pip was there.

Her eyes were wide behind her glasses. The winter wind was whipping her hair into a mess of dark curls. She was bundled in a thick Puffa jacket, standing next to her friend who, thankfully, had brought her here on time.

She was looking down at me, mouth open, absolutely baffled.

I just grinned. I couldn’t help it.

‘Hi!’ I called up to her.