Little Do We Know(81)

“It’s okay,” I said. “That was it. I twisted away from him, and he let go. He didn’t fight me.” I wrapped a chunk of hair around my finger. “That’s the part I’ve played back in my head over and over again. He let me go.”

I tried to hold back the tears, but I couldn’t. They were hot and fat and streaming down my face, and I couldn’t control them, as hard as I tried.

“I don’t know why I didn’t walk away earlier. I stayed there. I let him—”

Luke took my face in his hands. “No. You didn’t ‘let him.’ You didn’t do anything wrong, okay? Not by what you were wearing. Not because it took you a few minutes to figure out what was happening. He did this. You did nothing wrong. Okay?”

I nodded. I couldn’t stop those damn tears from falling. And for some reason, I couldn’t stop talking.

“I started backing down the hall, never taking my eyes off him. I was waiting for him to come after me, or say something, but he didn’t. I went into my room, locked my door, and sat on my floor for the longest time, trying to figure out what to do. And how to tell Mom. And then I realized, I couldn’t tell her. Not ever.

“I had to get out of there, and all I wanted to do was talk to Hannah, but she was still at church, so I used our ladder to climb out my bedroom window, and I ran across the grass. I snuck into her house using the hide-a-key her mom always keeps under the planter by the back door.”

I thought back to that morning. I spent the first fifteen minutes walking around their house, checking every door and window to be sure they were locked. I went into Hannah’s room and shoved her desk chair under the doorknob, just in case. And then I stood to the side of her window, peeking between the curtains, watching my house, feeling for the first time in my life that it didn’t belong to me anymore. I’d never felt unsafe in that house. Not once. Of all the things D-bag stole from me that day, that might have been the one that hurt the most.

“When Hannah finally got home, I told her what he did, and she freaked out, like I expected she would. She said she was going to get her mom, and I tried to stop her, but deep down, I kind of wanted her to.” I paused to take a breath. “But then I heard her dad’s voice in the hallway instead. Hannah’s always been so close to her dad—she tells him everything—so I don’t know, maybe she thought the two of them were interchangeable, but they weren’t to me. I hid in her closet. I heard everything…” I trailed off.

Luke hugged me tight.

“She didn’t defend me,” I said into his neck.

“She should have.”

We didn’t say anything after that. I was all talked out, so we both stood there, staring at the lockers. After a while, we walked to his Jetta.

He opened the passenger door and closed it behind me, and I let my head fall against the window. The glass was cold against my cheek.

I closed my eyes as the car started up, and we backed out of the lot. I didn’t know where we were going. I didn’t care.

My phone chirped and I checked the screen. “My mom keeps texting me.”

“Tell her you’re not coming home tonight,” Luke said matter-of-factly.



We wound up his hill, through the trees, past the lights, and pulled up next to his mom’s car. Inside, the house was dark and quiet.

“Where is everyone?” I asked as we climbed the stairs.

“They’re at dinner with your mom and…him.” It made me grin. I liked that he refused to say D-bag’s name, like he was Voldemort or something.

Luke opened his bedroom door and closed it behind us. And then he went straight to his dresser. He took out a pair of sweats and one of his lacrosse sweatshirts, and handed them to me. I felt a lot more comfortable once I was out of my costume.

He walked over to his bed and pulled back the covers, motioning for me to climb inside. When I did, he pulled the comforter up to my chin, walked around to the other side of the bed, and climbed in next to me, still wearing his clothes. I curled up in the crook of his arm, rested my head on his shoulder, and tucked my legs between his.

We were quiet for a long time. My eyelids felt heavy and my whole body was weak. I was exhausted from all the drama of the night, onstage and otherwise.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Mm-hmm,” I mumbled.

“Why did you go to Hannah’s house that day? Why didn’t you call me? Or Tyler, or Charlotte? Any of us would have been there in ten minutes or less. Why Hannah?”

“I needed to get out of there. Her house was closest.”

Luke kissed the top of my head. “I don’t believe you.”

I propped myself up on my elbow, preparing to argue with him, but then I stopped. I felt my chest tighten and a huge lump form in my throat. I hadn’t admitted it to anyone, especially not myself, but I knew exactly why I went over there that morning.

“I act without thinking. I always have. But Hannah never does. She thinks everything through, sometimes to a fault. I’m impulsive, but she’s thoughtful. She’s wise. She always used to say I made her brave, but she makes me smart.”

He smoothed my hair off my head.

“We used to joke about this yin/yang thing we have, but it’s true. We complement each other in ways people don’t understand. She’s always totally honest with me. She doesn’t let me get away with stuff, and that can be annoying sometimes, but it’s good, you know? Because she challenges me. She makes me want to be a better person. And she knows about all my flaws, and she loves me, not in spite of them, but because of them. And I love her the same way.”