Little Do We Know(76)

It had to stop.

I had to make it stop.

I was the only one who could do it.

“Hannah?” Luke was staring at me, holding his coffee and a small bag. “Hey. You okay?”

I wasn’t okay. I was far from okay.

“You have to go to her play tonight,” I blurted out without thinking.

“Yeah.” Luke looked at me sideways. “I was thinking the same thing.”

My stomach twisted into an even tighter knot.

If you tell him, that will be it, Hannah. I’ll never be able to forgive you for that. Our friendship will be over forever.

“I have to tell you something.” I felt like my mind had separated from my body, like I was no longer fully present in that café. I wished I hadn’t said those words. I wanted to take them back. But deep down, I knew I was doing the right thing.

Luke steered me over to a nearby table and we sat, facing each other.

“What’s going on?”

My hands were shaking and my chin was trembling and I had no idea how I was going to get through the next few minutes. I hadn’t planned any of this.

“Emory has been there for every major event in my life. She’s literally in the photograph of me taking my very first steps, out on the grass that separates our houses.” I wasn’t thinking about the words before I said them. I just opened my mouth and let the thoughts tumble out the way they wanted to. “She was at my baptism and every big SonRise competition and when I took my driver’s test. When my grandmother died, Emory didn’t leave my side for, like, a week solid. She brought me candy and crawled in bed with me to watch movies in the middle of the day, and let me cry until I didn’t have any tears left.”

Luke’s eyebrows pinched together, like he was trying to figure out where I was going with all this, but he didn’t stop me.

“The two of us drifted apart a little bit once we started going to different high schools,” I continued. “We drifted apart a little bit more when she started dating you, because she was so into you. But we were still us. Can you even imagine what that’s like, growing up with someone, having them be part of almost every single memory?”

“Um, yeah. I’m a twin.”

I’d forgotten that for a moment. “Emory’s the closest thing I can think of to having a twin sister. We’re different.” Picturing all the ways we were different made me smile to myself. “We couldn’t be more different, but that has never mattered.”

Luke nodded. “Why are you telling me all this, Hannah?”

Sweat was beading up on my forehead and under my arms. I shifted in place, wondering how I was ever going to get through this.

I’ll never be able to forgive you for that.

“I’ve been keeping a secret for her.” I had no idea how I was going to get this out.

“Tell me,” Luke said.

Our friendship will be over forever.

“I can’t.” I brought my hand to my stomach. I felt like I was going to throw up.

“You have to.”

I scanned the café to be sure no one else was within earshot. And then I rested my elbows on the table and leaned in closer. Luke mirrored me, closing the distance between us.

Keeping my voice low, I told him the whole story, starting from the moment I came home from church that day and found Emory waiting in my bedroom, looking pale and disheveled, scared and in shock. I told him how I’d gone looking for my mom but found my dad instead. I told him what Dad said about Emory. And what I’d said back. And what I didn’t say that day, and what I didn’t do.

Luke reeled back, eyes wide and full of anger. “When did this happen?”

I spat the word out like it was toxic. “December.”

“You’ve known this for more than three months?” he asked, and I nodded slowly. “And you kept it to yourself?”

“She begged me to.”

“What the fuck does that matter?” he yelled as he slammed his hand on the table. Everyone behind the café counter turned to look at us. Luke didn’t notice. Or maybe he just didn’t care.

“I’m sorry.”

He covered his mouth and stared past me.

And then he reached into his back pocket for his phone and began typing on the screen. I reached across the table and grabbed it from his hands. “You can’t tell her you know…Not before she goes onstage tonight. You can’t do that to her.”

His eyes narrowed at me. “You want me to go all day without telling her I know? No way.”

“I’ve gone three months without telling anyone.”

Luke laughed under his breath. “Try not to sound so proud of yourself.”

“I’m not.” My voice caught on the last word. I opened my mouth to tell him how horrible I felt and hard it had been, but the words sounded lame, even in my head. I wasn’t proud. I was ashamed of what I’d done. The expression on Luke’s face told me I was right to be.

My phone chirped and I reached for it, hands shaking as I checked the screen. “We have to go. It’s a ten-minute walk to the studio.”

Luke stood. “I’ll see you there,” he said. He tossed his uneaten bagel and his full coffee cup into the nearest trash can and stormed out through the hotel doors and onto the street.