Little Do We Know(79)

Under her breath, Alyssa said, “Four, three, two, one…”

Logan kicked us off:

“We’re a million lonely people, all together on this needle in the sky, afraid of heights.”

Alyssa had the next verse, and I had the one after that. And then Jack took the first lines of the chorus, with all of us harmonizing with him.

“I dare you to love, I dare you to cry.

“I dare you to feel, I dare you to be here now.”

Dad had picked this song because he thought it would make people feel connected to us and to this room, to give them that sense of inclusiveness that made our school so special. But as I sang the words, I didn’t hear them the same way he had.

This song had nothing to do with being in a room that made you feel like you belonged. It was more personal than that. It had to do with being brave and taking chances, falling and failing, and feeling everything—love and sadness and pain and joy—simply because it was all part of the human experience. It all felt very Zen. Like meditation, it was all about being present in the moment and appreciating everything about it, the good, the bad, the everything. It was about finding your own truth and letting everyone else find theirs. It was about being in the world without hating and judging, just being and letting everyone else be, too.

And as I listened to Logan sing the lines, “Let your heart be your religion, let it break you out of this prison you became,” I felt the lyrics deep in my soul, as if he were talking directly to me.

I remembered the words Emory said to me that day three months ago, about blindly following my faith and never asking questions. And I thought about what Luke said that morning on TV, about living in the moment and soaking up every second.

When we reached the last line, we sang it in four-part harmony.

“I dare you to be here now.”

The three of them let their heads fall backward, looking up at the sky. But I rested my hand on my chest, and let my head fall forward instead. Dare accepted, I thought.





Ms. Martin stuck her head in the dressing room to tell me there was someone asking for me at the backstage door. I hadn’t even had time to change out of my costume.

I opened the door and found Luke standing there. He was wearing the same gray button-down shirt and black chinos he’d been wearing when I saw him on TV that morning. I threw my arms around his shoulders. “You came.”

Everyone was still bustling around backstage, but it was quiet on the other side of the door. I stepped into the hallway where we could be alone.

“I couldn’t miss this.” He kissed me. “You were incredible up there.”

I fluffed out my frilly white dress. “Hardly my style, I know. I tried to get Ms. Martin to let me alter it a bit, but you know…1901.” I smiled.

Luke smiled back.

“You skipped it,” I said.

“Yeah.” He locked his eyes on me, and I could tell there was something else he wanted to say.

“Why?” I asked.

He shook his head and bit hard on his lip. I could tell he was angry about something, but it didn’t feel like he was angry at me. More like he was angry for me. I stared at him, but he didn’t answer my question. And then he didn’t have to. I already knew the answer.

“She told you.”

My heart started racing and my chest felt heavy. The hallway walls seemed to be closing in on me.

“Em. Why didn’t you tell me?”

I wanted to punch something, but I pulled myself together instead. “Because it’s no big deal. It happened. It’s over.”

“It is a big deal,” he whispered. “It’s a really big deal.”

I piled my hair on top of my head for something to do with my hands. I knew it. I knew she’d cave. I knew I should have done more to keep the two of them apart.

“Hannah had no right to tell you.”

I didn’t want to have this conversation. Not here. Not now. Not ever.

“I didn’t give her much of a choice,” he said. “I knew something wasn’t right when we hung up last night, and when I mentioned it to Hannah, her face gave it away. Don’t be mad at her.”

“Don’t be mad?” My hands balled into fists by my sides as I stepped away from him. “How can you say that?”

“She’s trying to help and so am I.” He took a step forward. I took a step back. “Emory, you have to tell your mom.”

He took another step forward. I backed away from him faster that time.

“See,” I said, shaking my head. “That’s the whole reason I never told you. Because I knew you’d say that, and you don’t understand. I can’t tell her. Not ever.”

I turned the doorknob, eager to get back inside, but it had locked behind me. I panicked, feeling like I had two choices: fight or flight. I picked flight.

I took off running down the hall, out the theater door, and into the parking lot, weaving around lines of cars leaving after the show. I caught a glimpse of my white patent leather shoe, and I realized how ridiculous I must have looked, tearing through campus in my Emily Webb costume. But I didn’t care. I picked up the pace, running past the tennis courts and the swimming pool, until I was near the classrooms, away from the cars and the crowds.

“Emory!” Luke was right on my heels. “Please. Stop and talk to me.”