Lessons from a Dead Girl(35)

“Well, we’re here for you, Lainey. Right, Jess?”

“Definitely.”

The three of us all lie back down again. I close my eyes and tilt my head to the sun.

The little girls scream and giggle and sound happy as they run off again.

“This is heaven,” Web says softly.

“You’re a sap,” Jess tells him.

“Thank you,” I say to the sky. Because I believe them. I believe they are here for me. Even if I can’t tell them the secret.

We’re quiet, listening to the happy noises around us. I concentrate on all the good things surrounding me at this moment. But Leah is in the shadows. She always will be. Our secret keeps her there. Friends forever.





By spring break Web’s parties are legendary. When I show up for his “Big Break” party, there’s already a line of cars parked down the street. People are spilling out of the house and into the driveway. Web’s parents will be coming back from their winter place in a few weeks, so Web says he has to make the most of these final days of freedom.

Web and Jess are already drinking when I get there.

“Lainey!” they yell as soon as they see me. They both seem totally buzzed already. Jess introduces me to a bunch of her friends from Maine who drove all the way here for the big event. I feel their eyes on me as they check me out. I wonder what Jess told them about me. She puts her arm around my waist and squeezes.

“Ready for some fun?” she asks.

Before I can answer, Web kisses me on the cheek, then pushes a beer in my hand.

As he does, one of Jess’s friends starts chanting, “Chug! Chug! Chug!” Pretty soon everyone in the room joins in.

Web rolls his eyes but smiles, too. He nods, urging me to do it.

I put the cup to my mouth and try not to breathe in and smell the bitter beer. The first drink is always the hardest. I force myself to swallow a mouthful, but the chants get louder. I swallow again. And again. Some of the beer drips over the side of the cup and slides down both sides of my chin. When I put the cup down, it’s empty. Web wipes my chin with the back of his hand as people give a halfhearted cheer, then go back to what they were doing. Web fills my cup again and winks at me.

“Great party, huh?”

I make myself nod.

A guy from Web’s school comes over and kisses Web on the back of the neck. Web gives him a hug but doesn’t introduce me. I force myself to smile at them before I step back, out of the way.

I take a sip of beer and turn to where Jess was standing, but she’s gone. The room’s already crowded, with a steady stream of people shoving their way in. I move to a corner where I can be invisible. I recognize a few people from some other parties, but a lot of them I’ve never seen before. After a while Jess appears again with her friends from Maine. I lift my hand and start to wave her over, but she turns before she sees me and gets swallowed up by the crowd. I don’t go after her. I take another long drink instead. I haven’t felt this lonely in a long time.

After a while, my invisible corner starts to cave in on me. Someone steps on my foot and doesn’t bother to say sorry. I try to move aside, but my shoe is stuck to the floor and almost comes off before I can unstick it. I make my way through the kitchen and out to the living room. It’s even more crowded.

When I get to Web’s parents’ room, there’s a group of guys sitting on the king-size bed passing a joint around. It’s hard to breathe, and I have to go to the bathroom. People figured out the “out of order” trick, so I have to wait in line. I try not to smell the sweaty kid in front of me who is hitting on the girl in front of him. Everyone seems to be swaying. It takes forever for people to go to the bathroom, and I’m sure I’m not going to make it.

When it’s finally my turn, I step inside, close the door, and lean against it. I look around the once-immaculate bathroom. The toilet is clogged. Someone has thrown up in the bathtub. The floor is wet with either beer or pee or both, and I have to put my hand over my mouth to keep from throwing up. The scene is so depressing, so pointless, I start to cry.

Someone knocks on the door. My head spins as I straddle the toilet, afraid to touch the seat. Even though my bladder feels like it’s going to burst, nothing happens. Someone pounds on the door. “Hurry the f*ck up in there!”

I pull my pants up and avoid looking in the mirror as I splash cold water on my face to wash away my tears.

I open the door and shove my way through the people I don’t know and escape outside to the gazebo. By then I can’t hold it any longer, so I squat behind a bush.

Instead of going back inside, I sit alone in the gazebo. It’s cold, but I can’t bring myself to go back to the party.

“It’s not safe to be out here all alone, you know.”

I jump at the sound of her voice coming from the darkness. My heart races as she steps into view. I try to see her face, but the shadows hide her eyes, even when she steps up onto the gazebo and sits across from me. I can’t tell in the dim light, but her hair seems blonder than before. She’s wearing a low-cut, sparkly pink halter with a tight and very short black skirt.

I hug my arms around myself and try to breathe.

“Hi to you, too,” she says.

“Hi,” I say quietly.

She shifts on the bench so she’s sitting sideways to face me. The light from the house shines across her face as she turns. I look away from her dark eyes.