Lessons from a Dead Girl(33)

“I never said there was anything wrong with it. I just don’t.”

“Then why are you so upset?”

I want to hit her. “Because you won’t drop it! After all these years, you keep hanging it over my head. You’re so convinced you know me. You don’t know anything.”

“I know it still bothers you.”

“Maybe you’re the one it bothers!” I say back. “If what we did means I like girls, then what about you? Why do you have a boyfriend?”

She shrugs. “It was different for you than it was for me.”

“What? How? How would you know?”

“It just was. Trust me.”

I shake my head.

“Aw, Laine. You need to get it through your head that no one cares what you are. Just be happy for once in your life and stop worrying about it. I’m only trying to help you.”

“How is this helping? You’re the one who said we should move on, Leah. So why do you show up to torment me? I’m trying to be happy, but you keep wrecking any chance I have!”

She honestly looks hurt at that.

“You call this happy, Lainey? You look pretty lonely to me.”

“I have friends now, Leah. Friends that I made on my own.”

“Really? Where are they?”

I feel myself deflating. Jess and Web are my friends. I know they are.

“Where are your friends, Leah?” I shoot back. “You’re so worried about my being happy. What about you?”

She smiles at me, but it looks like it hurts. I don’t know why, but I feel like I’m going to cry.

“Just leave me alone from now on, OK?” I say quietly. “Just stay away from me.” My voice cracks a little.

“Lainey, wait. I’m sorry, OK? I really am trying to help you.”

“If you really want to help me, stay away from me.”

“Lainey, just — just wait.” She comes toward me slowly and reaches for my shoulders with both hands. “There’s something I have to tell you,” she says quietly. The points of her fingertips press into my shoulders.

“Don’t touch me,” I say.

She lets go, then frowns, as if now she’s the one who’s going to start crying.

“OK, OK,” I say, hating myself for giving in so fast. “What is it?”

She moves closer to me.

“I want you.” She laughs and steps back.

“Fuck you.” My cheeks burn. I hate her so much. I’ve hated her before, but nothing like this.

“Lainey, wait. I’m sorry. I couldn’t resist.”

I keep walking.

“Please wait? I really do want to tell you something.”

But I don’t wait. I don’t even look back. When I step into the hallway, I almost bump into Jess.

“Hey,” she says. “Everything OK?”

“Yeah,” I say, looking back to see Leah standing in the middle of the room, smiling at us. “Fine.”

Jess makes a concerned face and puts her hand on my shoulder. “You sure?”

I nod, wondering how much Jess saw and heard. I know Leah can see Jess touching me. I can almost feel her smirk. Go ahead, I think. This is what real friends do.

“Come on,” I say. I don’t look back again. We find Web in the kitchen, drinking with some guys from his school.

Jess grabs his hand and tells him we all need to take a walk.

Outside, the air is still pretty cold, but we make our way to our gazebo and huddle together.

“What’s up?” Web asks.

Jess looks at me.

I don’t say anything.

“Leah Greene was giving Lainey shit in your parents’ bedroom,” Jess says.

“That psycho? What’s she doing here, anyway?”

I squeeze my arms around myself.

“Lainey, what was it about?” Jess asks.

I shake my head. “Nothing,” I say.

“It didn’t seem like nothing.”

“Why, what happened?” Web asks.

I feel myself slipping away from them.

“Lainey?” Jess asks.

What did she hear? What did she see?

Tell them, I think. Just tell them.

I open my mouth.

Tell them.

“Ancient history,” I say. “I’m fine. Really.”

I know they don’t believe me, but they each put an arm around me and hug me from either side.

“We’ll protect you from her,” Web says.

Jess gives me another squeeze. “Definitely.”

I close my eyes and force myself not to cry.

What would Mr. Mitchell say?

Did I just fail the friendship test?

Or did Jess and Web just pass it?





During Thanksgiving break Web’s parents are home, so he doesn’t have any parties. He tells Jess and me he’s taking us on a mystery date. He says to dress warmly and picks us up at my house. The only other hint of where he’s taking us is the big wool blanket folded up on the backseat of his car. Jess raises her eyebrows and yells, “Shotgun!” before jumping into the front passenger seat.

Web hands her a thermos as he pulls out of my driveway. “Careful, it’s hot.”

“Mmmmm, you’ll like this,” Jess says to me, handing the thermos back between the front seats.