Lessons from a Dead Girl(38)

Web takes his key chain out of his pocket and jingles it. “Kept it locked up just for you, my friends.”

We each take his arm and let him lead us back toward the house. I feel the gazebo and the secrets it holds getting smaller behind me. I want to be happy. To finally just let the past slip away into the night. I pause and breathe in the cold, fresh air.

Web tugs my arm. “Come on, girlie! The night’s still young!”

I fake a giggle and let him lead me back in.

The light in the living room is painfully bright. A bunch of people, including Lucas, are hanging out on the couch, passing around another joint. I think some of them are Jess’s friends from Maine.

“Who’s next?” asks a girl I don’t know.

“Me,” a voice says from behind us.

I spin around and look for the face that goes with it. She winks at me as if the conversation in the gazebo never took place, then walks past and reaches for the joint. Her eyes are slightly bloodshot, but no one would know it’s because she’s been crying. She takes a long, slow hit without taking her eyes off me. A hulky guy who looks like he’s in his twenties steps up behind her and puts his hand around her waist. She breathes out and passes the joint to him. He makes a big production out of inhaling forever, then gives it to the person on the other end of the couch.

Web and Jess stand on either side of me, watching the joint get smaller as it makes its way along the couch. The whole time I feel Leah watching me, but I don’t acknowledge her. When the joint reaches the far end of the couch again, the girl holds it out to Jess. She takes a quick hit and offers it to me, but I pass.

“I’ll take it,” Leah says. She licks her lips before bringing the joint to her mouth, then takes another long drag. As she breathes out, she makes a kiss with her lips and blows the smoke in my face.

“Come on, Lainey,” she says, holding it out to me. “This is one thing we’ve never done together.”

Her boyfriend half laughs, like he knows.

When she hands me the joint, she tickles the inside of my hand with her middle finger and winks at me. I pull my hand away fast.

I try to take a quick hit, but as soon as I bring the tip to my mouth, I feel her spit on my lips. I pass it to Web.

“Remember what good friends we used to be, Lainey?” Leah says, stepping closer to me. “We were really good friends. Friends forever. Remember?”

I take a step back. Everyone is looking at us.

Web moves closer to me, protectively. I don’t know how he knows she’s about to pounce.

“Ready to tell the truth yet, Laine?” she whispers, moving in even closer.

The truth. I don’t even understand what the truth is anymore.

Her boyfriend takes her arm and gives it a tug. She flinches slightly, but recovers fast.

“I wish we were still special friends,” she says louder.

I quickly glance over at the group on the couch again. Lucas is staring at me, totally intrigued.

“Leah, please,” I say. “You’re wasted.”

“I am?” she says in mock surprise. Her boyfriend laughs uncomfortably and tugs her arm again.

“What do you want?” Jess asks, moving in close on my other side. She takes my hand protectively.

Leah notices our hands and laughs. “How interesting,” she says. “You like that, Lainey?”

“Shut up,” I say, letting go of Jess’s hand.

“What’s she talking about?” Jess asks. She steps back and takes Web’s hand with the one that held mine.

“Nothing,” I say.

“Oh, come on, Laine. Tell her. If you don’t, I will.”

“There’s nothing to tell,” I say. “You know that.”

“Do I? Think about it, Laine. It’s all still true. You liked it.”

“No,” I say. “I didn’t understand.”

“I think you did,” she says, stepping closer. “Remember what you said to me earlier? ‘Say it out loud. It will make you feel better.’ Or does she already know your secret? Is she the one you practice with now?”

“What’s she talking about?” Jess asks.

“Nothing,” I say.

“Laine and I used to be special friends, didn’t we, Laine?”

“Babe, come on,” hulky boyfriend says, taking ahold of her arm. Leah smiles uncomfortably, like his grip is hurting her. I hope maybe that will be enough to stop her, but she seems to be on a maniacal roll.

“Leave me alone,” she says to him. “Laine and I are talking.”

“Why are you doing this?” I ask. I feel like a child. The corners of my mouth start to press down, the way babies’ do before they start bawling.

“We used to kiss in Laine’s special closet. Remember, Lainey?” she blurts out. She glances at the boyfriend quickly to check his reaction. His mouth drops open. I can’t tell if he’s shocked or turned on.

“No,” I say.

“We did other stuff, too. Remember?”

“Shut up.”

“Till we got caught.”

Someone on the couch kind of laughs.

Web and Jess stand there, not saying anything. The room is totally silent. Web has this look on his face as if I’ve betrayed him. Like he believes her and not me, and that means I’m gay and I never told him. I’m sure Jess is totally freaked out. Maybe she’s remembering our weekend in Maine and how she undressed in front of me. I feel the weight of their disappointment press on my heart. Please, I want to say. Please. But I don’t even know what to ask for.