Lessons from a Dead Girl(31)

“Uh, later,” he says. He doesn’t even bother to smile.

I wipe my mouth with the back of my hand as he dashes off, leaving me to wonder how the hell that just happened.

“Nice,” Jess says, nudging her head in the direction he fled. “Sorry to interrupt, but you looked like maybe you needed to be saved.”

“I guess,” I say. The excited feeling oozes out of me and off into the shadows. Why do I feel like I’ve been caught doing something bad?

“You seem”— she inspects my face —“sad.” She sits down next to me.

I shrug. “I’m stupid — that’s all,” I tell her.

“Stupid how?”

I shrug again. And then, I don’t mean to, but I start to cry. Only a little, but enough for her to notice.

“Hey,” she says. She moves closer to me and puts her arm around me. “Was that guy bothering you?”

“No.” I wipe my eyes with my wrist. I’m an idiot. First for being so amazingly clueless about Web, then for letting a complete stranger feel me up.

“I didn’t — I didn’t know about Web.”

“Know about him how?”

“I didn’t know.”

“Know what?”

“I walked in on him and another guy.”

“You mean you didn’t know he was gay?” She looks shocked.

“Yeah.”

At first I think she’s going to laugh, but as she sits and thinks, I see her put it all together, and instead of gloating, she squeezes me to her. “Oh, Lainey. That sucks,” she says.

I rest my head on her shoulder and cry quietly. Not because I’m sad that Web and I really don’t stand a chance, but because Jess is here, being a friend the way I always imagined a friend should be.

For the first time, I don’t feel uncomfortable when she touches me. I just feel comforted.

When I recover, we open the orange juice and pass it back and forth. Jess tells me about the guy she hooked up with in some bathroom, and I tell her about my five minutes with Lucas.

The sliding door opens again, and Web steps out, all disheveled. We crack up.

“What?” he says, but we just get hysterical.

“Move over.” He squeezes between us and takes a long swig from the juice. “Great party,” he says. “Next weekend, it’s at my house.”





Web’s first party is a blast.

It’s easy to make up an excuse for staying out all night. All I have to do is tell my mom I’m staying at Jess’s. Sometimes there are benefits to having your mom think you’re a loner freak.

There’s this picture of me, Web, and Jess on my screen saver. We’re wasted, but to the average clueless mother, we simply look really, really happy. I’m sure it makes my mom ecstatic to see me in a photo with friends — and I’m even smiling.

At the party, someone from Web’s school has managed to score a small arsenal of serious stuff from their parents. It’s nasty-smelling, but Jess is good at finding ways to hide the smell — even the flavor — when necessary. We play drinking games to force down the first few chugs. After that, the taste gets better.

By the end of the party, people are totally out of control, getting sick in the bathroom, hooking up in any open space available. I keep an eye out for Lucas, but I don’t see him. Not that I want to be with him, but … well, maybe I do.

I keep replaying that time on the patio with him and wish it had been Leah who walked out to see us instead of Jess. I can almost remember his hand on my breast, and Leah’s words from way back, when she first told me about getting felt up and I didn’t know what it meant. It felt about as romantic as she described — someone rubbing my tit. But it also felt pretty good.

I look around for something more to drink, even though I don’t really need it. Jess and Web find me in the kitchen.

“Come on,” Jess says. “Escape walk.”

“What about all these people?” I ask. Web shrugs, like he doesn’t understand what the big deal is, leaving a bunch of drunken strangers in his house.

It’s dark and cold when we step outside. Fall is coming fast this year. Web brought a travel mug with orange juice and vodka with him. The three of us pass it back and forth as we walk to the gazebo behind his house.

We sit on the floor so we can’t see the house, only the silhouettes of the trees around us. The music from inside feels far away.

After a while, we hear cars starting as people begin to leave. I swear Web’s keeping track of how many, waiting until he thinks everyone has left.

When we finally go back inside, everyone’s gone except for a few people passed out on the floor and on the two couches in the living room.

Jess and I follow Web up to his room. He pulls off his sweatshirt and pants and then draws back his blankets.

“Looks like none of us are getting lucky tonight, girls. Care to join me?”

Jess strips to her tank top and panties and crawls in. I hesitate, standing at the edge of the bed.

Web pats the empty space next to him. “It’s OK, Laine. You know you’re not my type.” He smiles the way I love, even though it still hurts. I take off my pants but keep my long-sleeve shirt on. Then I crawl in. Web spoons me from behind, his warm arm draped over me. He breathes steadily in my ear. It feels good, and horribly hopeless.