Learning to Swim(40)

He started getting more intense and nuzzling my neck. My thoughts were spiraling out of control. This is it. Any minute he's going to be reaching under my towel. And after that, there isn't that much to take off to be completely naked. So when should I break for the condoms? Will he be offended if I ask him to wear one? What if he refuses? Because there is no way I am doing it without one. Not that I am so worried about diseases because, even though maybe I should be, I am more worried about getting pregnant. Because my mom has jinxed me. And I am not about to risk getting pregnant at only seventeen…

“Stef,” he murmured. “Is there something wrong?”

I opened my eyes. He was no longer kissing me but looking at me with concern. This would've been a good time to tell him I was afraid. But afraid of what? Love lunacy? He'd never comprehend what any of it meant, and now that Mora wasn't involved with him anymore, love lunacy seemed to be a nonissue. Actually, it became all too evident that what I really was terrified of was, quite simply, love. The idea of making some of it with Keith when Barbie and I were on the brink of a finger move and he was about to go back to college was truly sending me headfirst into a nervous breakdown. I had to put a stop to this, and quick.

“We're going too fast!” I announced loudly.

“That's okay.” He wrapped his arms around me and kissed me on my forehead. “I don't want to do anything you don't feel ready for.”

Instead of easing my troubled mind, this comment touched an exposed nerve. I was so mad at myself for this. I was the one who'd asked Keith back to my apartment, which was pretty much sign language for “Sleep with me, you big hunk of man!” And I'd done that for one reason—to seduce him and make him forget about Mora. But now Keith's ex-girlfriend was in every thought of mine, and in every thought she was in bed with Keith. I was so jealous I could barely see straight.

“Did you have sex with Mora?” I asked bluntly.

The words hung in the air, catching us both by surprise.

He glanced away and stood up. “Why don't you get dressed,” he said. But it wasn't really a question. It was more like a command.

I walked into the bedroom, feeling devastated. Why had I ruined a perfectly wonderful moment with my big fat mouth?

When I came out (wearing my SAVE THE BAY T-shirt and running shorts), he was sitting on the couch reading Barbie's In Touch magazine. He looked really puzzled, but I doubted it had anything to do with Brangelina's love child.

“Regarding Mora,” he said softly. “Do you really want to know?”

The truth was I didn't really want to know. What I wanted to hear was that they hadn't been together and he hadn't seen her naked and he hadn't experienced any earth-shattering sex with her. But I had a feeling that they had.

Keith took my silence as an affirmation. “Look, Mora and I were friends for a long time. Neither one of us was seeing anyone last summer and, well, things just happened.”

And just like that, I became enraged. Not upset or sad, but enraged. It was completely irrational and I knew I was wrong to feel that way, but I couldn't help it. Which is why I took my anger out on him.

“So what you're telling me is just because you were bored and needed a partner for Parcheesi, you decided to go over and de-virginize Mora?”

His cheek muscles tightened. I had definitely crossed a line with him. “De-virginize?”

“That's what Doris said,” I added with a shrug. I figured if I was going down, I might as well drag one of my friends with me.

“This isn't about Mora, is it?”

“What else would this be about?” My voice was filled with contempt, and I could tell by Keith's stiff posture that he wasn't pleased with me at all.

“I have no idea, Stef. You're not really being forthcoming right now,” he replied tersely.

“Well, how's this for forthcoming? I don't like being poor.”

This was turning into a nightmare. I wanted to press Stop and Rewind, but the remote for my brain was obviously on the fritz.

“What are you talking about?” He was looking at me like I had suddenly started speaking Swahili.

“You said that I was like Alice. That I didn't care about money. Well, that's not true. Money makes the world go round, Keith. You should know. You've got so much of it, you can do whatever you want.”

Keith stared at me. “Okay.”


Okay? That was it? If this was Barbie, I totally would have baited her into a fight by now. But Keith wasn't going to sink to my extremely pathetic level. That didn't stop me from carrying on, though.

“And I don't like bugs either!” There. Take that.

“What are you doing, Stef?” He looked so sad, like I had hurt his feelings and attacked his dog with a weed whacker.

“I just…,” I began. Then I sighed. “I don't know.”

Keith stood up. “I don't know either. But whatever it is, I don't like it.”

I couldn't have agreed with him more.

He made his way toward the door. “I thought that once I cleared up this whole Mora thing we'd be fine.”

I couldn't speak. I was still in shock from the fact that we had gone from getting together to breaking up in one day. And it was all my fault.

“Looks like I was wrong,” he said sternly. Then he left without saying goodbye.