Kissing Ted Callahan (and Other Guys)(54)

“What do you mean, ‘succeed’?” Ted asks.

“You know, fall in love or do it or whatever.” Even though I’ve already said it twice it sounds worse out loud this third time. Ted confirms this by giving me a look like I’m covered in bees and bad ideas. “It wasn’t as awful as it sounds, I swear.”

“So you were trying to ‘succeed’ with me?” he asks.

“No, well, yes, but—I had the biggest crush on you.” Now I’m embarrassed for admitting that. Except WE HAVE DONE IT THREE TIMES. I shouldn’t be embarrassed by that. I don’t want to be scared of just saying honest things. “So, like, in a sense. Yeah.”

“And you kept track of it like a project?” Ted starts pacing around in a circle and it’s making me dizzy, so I try to stop him but he keeps going. “And you let Reid read it?”

“I had to,” I say. “We made a pact. Except I never told him about… like, recent stuff. None of that’s in there.”

Ted shakes his head and finally stops pacing. “It’s weird, Riley.”

“I know, completely, yes, right, ugh!” I feel whatever was spinning out of control settling back, and I’m determined to keep it all right here where it still feels scary and unsure but not unfixable. “I was trying so hard to figure out how to, I don’t know, make you like me. It’s dumb, and I know it’s dumb, and, seriously, once you started meaning something to me I stopped.”

Ted nods. “Okay.”

“Are you mad?”

“I don’t know what I am,” he says.

“I should say, also, just a couple other things,” I continue, even though I could just stop and maybe things could all be fine. Hopefully they’ll be fine anyway. “One, I was seeing some other guys, not like in a big-deal way, but I was. Also I wrote about them in the book, too, and now someone stole the book, so probably everyone at school is going to hear about all of this.”

“How many other guys?” Ted asks.

“Just two.” I immediately regret that just. Right now there is clearly no just two to Ted. Two is suddenly a big number.

“Okay.” Ted backs away from me. “I’m… I’m going home.”

“I can give you a ride,” I say.

“No,” he says.

“Ted, are you pissed?” I ask, even though of course he is.

“I don’t know, Riley, you kept some kind of secret log book with Reid Goodwin, you went out with other guys when I thought you were my girlfriend, and now the whole school’s going to know it.”

“You thought I was your girlfriend?” I can’t stop the question nor the eager tone I ask it in. Riley, shut up.

He starts walking away.

“Don’t do that!” I run after him, even though Ted is fast on foot. “Ted, don’t just say nothing.”

But he does exactly that. Even though I’ve managed to catch up with him, he’s completely silent.

“I know it was dumb, okay?” I realize that I’m mad and that I shouldn’t be and that makes me madder. I hate emotions. “Can we just talk?”


But his answer must be no, because he just keeps walking. His hair is getting longer, and I think about all the times recently I have run my fingers through it, and how maybe this means I never will again. And I am madder still, at everyone in the world about this, Reid, and the notebook thief, and Lucy and Nathan, and Garrick and Milo FOR MAKING IT SEEM SO EASY, and Ted, and of course myself.

“Go get your stupid hair cut!” I yell at him, which is the dumbest because I don’t even want him to, I just want his hair less appealing if I have no access to it. Also I’m just the worst right now and I know it, and I’m glad that’s the last thing I can say because by now Ted is far away from me.

I get in my car, but I don’t go anywhere because there’s no way I can see through the ten billion tears I’m crying.

I’ve ruined everything.





CHAPTER FIFTY-SEVEN


It’s still gone, and if it wasn’t, I would destroy it.





CHAPTER FIFTY-EIGHT


I spend my whole night crying and risk the wrath of the United Front by refusing dinner as well as not leaving my room at all. I keep my phone near me at all times, but it doesn’t ring or beep. The only email I get is from Nathan, reminding us that practice will be long again on Thursday because we need to get ready for our show. Thanks for telling us, Nathan; we’d have no idea without you.

At school the next morning there’s no one whispering about me, so I guess this villain is keeping the book under wraps for whatever they’re planning. For some stupid reason I check my locker like maybe Ted’s over being mad at me so he’s left me a CD or candy or a note, but he hasn’t left me anything. He walks by me when I’m headed to first period, and I don’t know what to do—like, do I look away or do I look sad or do I say something? But I don’t have a chance to do any of those things because he darts away from me.

Garrick smiles when I walk into chemistry, and I’m glad at least one person doesn’t hate me. “Hi, Riley.”

I try to sit at our station like a normal person, but I put my face down on the lab table.