Kissing Ted Callahan (and Other Guys)(51)

“Okay.” He gives me a smile I hope Reid doesn’t notice. Not that Ted and I can’t smile at each other, but I’m afraid we don’t look casual. I’m afraid we’re blasting True Love to the universe, and until Milo is officially in my past, I can’t blast anything to anyone. “See you, Riley.”

I watch Ted walk away, and when I look back to Reid, I have a feeling he did notice. The whole world’s painted with signs pointing to Ted and me and our insane happiness with each other—or at least that we’ve seen each other naked.

“What’s with that?” Reid stares at me. “I thought you said you didn’t know how things were going with him, and that’s why you’re still with Milo. It seems like things are going fine. And considering you apparently don’t even like kissing Mi—”

“THE BOOK IS GONE,” I say. “Can we not talk about guys right now?”

The first bell rings, and we stare at each other. We might be Rock Stars but we are not truants.

“See you at lunch,” I say. “We’ll figure out where it is, right?”


“Yes,” he says, but he is not smug Reid or calm Reid or any of the Reids I feel safe and solid around.

In class I try to pay attention, but instead I unzip every section of my purse and backpack, even the ones that are barely big enough for my lip balm.

“Are you okay?” Garrick asks me.

“I’m fine,” I say in a way no one would believe. The Passenger Manifest is missing, and I have to accept that. I have to accept someone knows I messed around a lot with Garrick. Someone knows Garrick and Sydney had sex, even though I was sworn to secrecy over that. Someone knows even once I was falling hardcore with Ted I was afraid to end things with Milo because everything about him was so perfect and straightforward.

Reid sits with Madison at lunch, so we can’t discuss THIS GIANT TRAGEDY. I don’t feel like sitting with Lucy and Nathan, and I don’t think it’s the day to start sitting with Ted at his table. So I go to the library and listen to Andrew Mothereffing Jackson on my iPod and hope the Passenger Manifest magically appears.

It doesn’t.

I have Yearbook after school, which I can’t skip, even though Reid texts me three times in seventh period to do so. I don’t want to slack off on my only extracurricular responsibility, but also I want to sit next to Ted and sneak him secret looks. Ted gives me a Batman Pez dispenser, which I make talk to him instead of paying much attention to our adviser, Ms. Balsavias. Ted is such a responsible student and person, but he has to cover his mouth, and there are tears in his eyes after the third time I make Pez Batman say, “ALFRED, THERE’S CANDY IN MY NECK.”

“What are you doing now?” Ted asks me as we’re heading outside.

“I can give you a ride if you want, but I have to go deal with a band thing,” I say, because Reid texted me from the Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf on Hillhurst, where he’s waiting to talk to me. “I’m sorry, I would totally rather hang out with you.”

“Band things are important,” he says.

And it’s okay because we still get a little making out in before I drive him to his mom’s office. I do my best to fix my hair and unsmudge my lip balm so I don’t look like I’ve been doing exactly what I’ve been doing. When I get to the Coffee Bean, I spy Reid on the patio, but I go in to get a hot cocoa first.

“This is bad, Ri,” Reid says as I walk out and join him.

“I know, Reid, I know.” I exhale as I think of something wonderful. “At least the big stuff isn’t in there.”

Reid’s eyebrows knit together. “What do you mean, ‘the big stuff’?”

Oh, crap.

I cover my face with my hands. “I, um, Ted and I are, like, actually kind of serious, I guess, and we… kind of did it.”

“‘Kind of’?” His voice has gone all pinched. “What does ‘kind of’ mean?”

“It doesn’t mean anything,” I say. “We did it.” (I don’t say “three times.”) “I didn’t want to make it sound like a big deal.”

“It’s a big deal.” Reid is mussing his hair all about. The static building in it seems like it’s coming from inside, like electrical anger. “I can’t believe this. What’s the point of the Passenger Manifest if you leave something like that out?”

“It was private.” Then I hate myself because is that why Lucy never said anything about Nathan? Am I hurting Reid as bad as Lucy hurt me? Am I somehow worse, though, because Lucy never specifically made a pact with me to tell me everything?

“I shared private stuff with you,” Reid says. “You know that.”

Tears are pricking my eyes, but I am determined not to have an outburst of emotion on the Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf patio. “Reid, I know. But you should understand that’s something you don’t just want to write about.”

“How would I?” Now it’s Reid whose face is hidden behind his hands. “Just great, everyone but me is—”

“It’s not like we thought,” I say. “Just—everything’s the same. You know?”

“No,” Reid says. “I don’t know. The Passenger Manifest is gone, we don’t know who has it and what they’re going to do with it or try to get out of us for blackmail, and I’m not going to be relieved that you having sex didn’t make it into the pages. Me never having sex definitely is all over that book.”