I Was Born for This(41)

Bliss smiles at her. ‘That’s so kind … I should probably go home, though. My mum’s just texted and she’s getting pretty worried. And the paparazzi have mostly gone away for now.’

‘Well, if you’re sure. But the house is open if you need to escape anytime.’

‘Thank you, I really appreciate that.’

It’s nearly dinnertime when Bliss gets into a taxi and leaves. Juliet and I wave her off, like we’re saying our final farewells to a deployed soldier. The car disappears round the corner, and then it’s just Juliet and me, standing out in the rain. Little droplets make a dotted pattern in her shirt.

‘You’d think her life would be perfect,’ says Juliet. ‘She has the guy. You know? She’s got the guy. The ultimate fantasy dream.’ She turns to me. ‘Do you know what I mean?’

I know what she means. She means that Bliss is living the dream of millions of girls around the world. And yet, she still isn’t happy.

‘I know what you mean,’ I say.

‘I feel like … the dream … The Ark … it’s not helping any more,’ she says.

I’m so confused by the statement that I don’t even ask what she means. She looks at me, and I wonder whether she’s waiting for me to say something, or ask something, I don’t know. What does she want me to say? What am I not doing right? Why aren’t we happy and enjoying ourselves in this week that we’ve been waiting for since last year?

‘God, today has been the worst,’ she says.

I look at Juliet and almost recoil. She looks devastated. I mean, we’ve all had a bit of a day, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen her so miserable.

‘Yeah,’ I say. ‘This Rowan-Bliss thing just came out of nowhere.’

She looks up at me, a sad, almost disappointed expression on her face.

‘Yeah,’ she says. ‘The Rowan-Bliss thing.’

But I just say nothing and she walks inside, leaving me out in the rain.





I should probably go and apologise to Lister, but I don’t know what to say.

I wish it was tomorrow already. I want normality back.

Even if normality is waking up at 5 a.m., sitting in a chair for an hour while someone does your hair and make-up, eight hours of press events and interviews, then an evening of sound checks, rehearsals, and then a concert in front of twenty thousand people.

I’d rather have all of that than this.

A house of silence.

It’s 9 p.m. now. As far as I know, Lister and Rowan have been in their rooms for hours, only wandering out when it’s unavoidable to go to the bathroom or get some food. I’ve been dozing on and off since about four o’clock, Netflix still playing episodes of Brooklyn Nine-Nine one after another, but I might as well give up trying to sleep, since it doesn’t seem like it’s going to happen.

I’m starting to remember how claustrophobic it is in here. In this apartment.

Which is awful, really. Ungrateful. Twenty people could easily live here.

I just wish we could go outside.

I roll out of bed and stand up. All the blood rushes to my head and immediately I’m hit with a headache. Great. Just what I need.

Maybe I should go and say sorry to Lister.

No. I didn’t do anything wrong. Did I?

Maybe I should go and talk to Rowan.

I don’t want to talk to Rowan.

Don’t want to think about this mess.

Don’t want to think about anything.

I head out of my room and make my way to the kitchen, passing Lister’s bedroom on the way, which is closed and silent. The living room is dark, even though the sun hasn’t fully set. On the kitchen counter is our new record contract, open from where I’d been reading it earlier. Is that our future? Is that my future? We’re supposed to be signing it in two days.

Don’t want to think about that either.

I fill up a glass of water and drink the whole thing, then fill it up again and walk over to the window. The rain doesn’t relax me in the way it normally does. It feels like it’s trying to get in. Flood the room.

I look down at the street below. We live in a residential part of London but there are always people walking around. If I could choose where to live, I’d choose a house in the Lake District. A solitary building without another man-made object within fifty miles.

I want to go outside.

About a year ago, Cecily told us to stop going outside without a bodyguard. Rowan, Lister and I had tried to go to the cinema. Just us three, after a meeting at Fort Records. We were going to walk there – there was an Odeon just round the corner. But there were so many people wanting to meet us in the street that we didn’t even make it there. There were so many people, such a huge crowd, that I’d started to panic, and Rowan had to be very rude and start shoving people out of the way, and someone grabbed Lister to stop him from leaving.

After that, we stopped going outside without a bodyguard.

I open the window and stick my arm out, just to feel the rain for a bit. Cool air rushes inside. I take a deep breath. Hadn’t even noticed how stuffy it was in here.

What if I just … went outside?

Just for a minute. If I wear a hoodie or a cap or something, I’d probably be fine. Just want to stand out there for a minute. Fresh air.

I grab a hoodie and a cap, just for good measure, and I open the apartment door, walk down the corridor, and get in the lift. My stomach drops as the lift goes down, like it does on rollercoasters. It feels freeing.