I Fell in Love with Hope(42)

C asked Neo why he had so many books. Neo said books were an infinite source of escapism. C asked if Neo had any friends. Neo said he had two weirdos. Neo asked if C had any friends. C said sure. Neo asked if C had any real friends. C was silent for a while, then he asked Neo if he could borrow a book.

That’s when Neo began to fantasize. He couldn’t wait for class anymore without smiling to himself. He’d let his touch linger over C’s when he handed him a textbook. And it didn’t skate by him that C sometimes got flustered when he caught himself leaning too close, or Neo fixed his hair.

They got in trouble often. Their teacher would scold them for talking too much. According to Neo, the detentions were worth it. During, they played rock paper scissors from across the room.

Neo was happy. The smile that touches his lips when he says that makes my chest cave. But Neo’s happiness ended there.

The rowboat felt empty, he said. So he added another character to keep the other company. The story itself was harmless enough. Just two boys lost in the endlessness of the sea. Neo left the story on his desk in English class by accident when packing his bag.

When he got to school the next morning, he found a group of boys from the swim team waiting for C. They read through the papers, passing them back and forth, spitting cracky chuckles across the desks.

Neo stopped at the door. When they caught sight of him, he didn’t even bother running.

They asked if he wrote the story for his boyfriend. They asked if he did the teacher favors for the grade, that maybe that was who the story was about. Between each insult, they pushed Neo further and further.

The first boy tugged on his hair and ripped his papers to shreds. The second slammed him against the lockers. He grabbed Neo’s thigh and asked if he was into things like that. The third tugged Neo’s belt and threatened to rape him, saying it would be charity to rid him of his perversions. The rest laughed in a chorus.

Neo is familiar with cruelty.

His father’s cruelty is hungry. It always has been. It taught him to dissociate from his body.

When C walked in on the scene, he had his earbuds in.

He was heading to first period, hair still wet from his morning practice. He looked at Neo, at the boys who’d stilled their aggressions to make it seem like nothing was out of the ordinary. A pack of wolves caging a bloodied lamb, waiting for the shepherd to walk away before mauling the rest of it.

“I didn’t even feel those bruises, Sam,” Neo says. “I didn’t care that they punched me or broke my wrist or said they’d tell my parents how disgusting I was or any of it.”

He struggles for his next breath.

“No one ever liked me. No one ever thought anything of me. So, the whole time, all I saw was the back of Coeur’s head when he left me there. I thought he was the one I could sail with. I thought that maybe instead of rowing to the end of the sea, I could row to heaven. Because even if it was just one person, I finally had someone.” Neo’s breath hitches. “I thought I finally had someone.”

Neo doesn’t cry. His jaw aches with how hard he represses it. I kiss him and hug him. He hugs me back till the medicine lulls him to sleep.

I understand why it hurts.

I understand the loneliness of not being seen.

I understand, most of all, from years of watching, that ignorance is worse than cruelty.

—

In time, C finally steals without fear. It’s not very skillful. Like I said, he’s too big, too noticeable. He steals an apple and a book from the library and more determined than ever, he goes to Neo’s room. Without so much as knocking, he opens the door full force and shuts it behind him.

Neo glances up from his writing, legs beneath the sheets, Sony’s stained sweatshirt on his shoulders, and the hood on his head. C waits for his full attention before talking.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there when you needed me. Denial is my life’s work, and I’ll be damned if I let it ruin this.” He motions between Neo and him. “Every day since the day those guys hurt you, I missed you so much it hurt and I miss you now. I miss you because even if you’re a stubborn pain in the ass, you’re the only person I’ve ever wanted. So I’m sorry and you don’t have to forgive me, ever, but you’re going to get used to me being around because I am not leaving you again.” C runs out of breath, holding the edge of Neo’s bed to regain his balance. “And most of all, I’m sorry I treated you like the shallow end of a pool.”

Neo’s stunned expression shakes till he forces it into a frown. “What does that even mean?”

“I don’t know!” C waves his hand through the air. “But I’m trying here. Because I like you. I really like you. So am I going to have to go steal our old textbooks and a pack of sticky notes from school? Or are you finally going to accept that you like me back?”

Neo stays quiet. So does C. It’s not comfortable, but at the very least, it’s not a quiet that stems from a grudge.

Neo looks at the book in his arms, squinting.

“Seriously? Jane Austen?”

“The theme is love. Love and loss.” C says, twirling his wrist to show off the cover. He lays it on Neo’s lap. “I like love stories.”

Neo raises the corner of his lip in disgust.

“Not another one.”

“Will you read it to me? Like you used to?”