I Fell in Love with Hope(46)

“You’re such a kid,” Sony says, nudging Hikari along.

It’s when we start to near a place I’m too familiar with that I start to slow down.

The river surges beneath the bridge. It dares me to look. It takes a shovel to my memories. My friends walk along its edge. I recoil, close my fists, try to take up less room, hide away.

I don’t want to exist here. We’re about to pass the bridge, walk right past its glaring eyes, but I can’t. I stop before we get close enough for me to look.

I refuse to look. Everything starts to hurt. I refuse to see him, but no matter how tight I shut my eyes, he’s there. He puts his coat on my shoulders. The air is tight-knit, cold. White blankets the ground, a street lamp spotlighting dancing snowflakes, the rest of the world dark and alone. He kisses me hard. Then, he fades. I try to go after him, but the dark rejects me. My tears take the rhythm of the water. My sobs choke. Everything hurts. My memories crawl out of the ground like monsters swimming back up the river.

“Sam?” I look up. Hikari stands in front of me, face paled, worried paint strokes in her eyes. Neo, Sony, and C are ahead of us, closer to the bridge, walking still. “Sam, are you okay?”

“I can’t do this,” I whisper.

“What do you mean? What’s wrong?”

“I can’t come with you,” I say, shaking my head. I feel exposed, endangered. “I can’t–” The words get lodged in my throat, afraid to be spoken into existence.

“It’s okay,” Hikari says. She comes closer, putting her hand up. She doesn’t touch me with it. She doesn’t tug me aside for the next school of fish passing. Her palm rests in the air, waiting for mine to mirror it.

“Sing, Yorick,” she orders gently, moving her forefinger as I mimic.

“The last time I was on that bridge, the stars fell,” I say. I’m not sure she understands, but, “I can’t cross it again.”

“It’s okay,” Hikari says again and in her tone of voice, it’s almost believable. “It’s okay. I’ll stay with you.”

“No, you–”

“I’m not leaving you, Sam.” She speaks with conviction. She still cares about me. Even when I couldn’t give her what she wanted. Her palm stays parallel to mine.

I think I could’ve caught my breath. I could’ve found the strength to stand up straight and keep on going if Hikari and I’s dancing obscured everything else.

Only it doesn’t. Over her shoulder, Time is still there. It stands over my friends, casting a shadow with my past twirling on its finger.

Neo and C hold Sony’s hands as they all turn onto the bridge.

My heart drops in my chest.

“Wait,” I say, a barely there noise, a question no one could answer. “Why are they–”

I don’t finish the question. I walk past Hikari.

“Wait,” I say again.

They walk further onto the bridge. I push through people surrounding me on the sidewalk. I go after them. I need to go after them. They aren’t supposed to cross it. It’s too early. They aren’t meant to go yet!

Sony faltered once. If she falls or hurts a rib, her lung could collapse in an instant. Neo is still too thin. His bones have no protection, his body is too frail to run or withstand anything more than a push. C’s heart is damaged to the point of no return. He needs another. He won’t live without another.

I’m a fool. I let myself remember. My memories unveil. Of Neo, my poet bruised by people meant to protect him, my poor little boy who should’ve spent his years growing under the sun rather than under exam lights. Of Sony. My flame so determined to burn, whose mother was taken too soon and whose childhood should’ve gone on forever. Of C. My heart-broken bear of a boy, so aloof yet so gentle, so willing to be kind.

I let myself fall back on the past. And it’s thrown me a future that doesn’t exist.

No matter how much I try to claim that my memories are buried, they are out of my control. They come on suddenly. They remind me that denial is not as strong as reality.

My reality has been the same since I was born.

My friends are going to die.

“Wait!” The crowd envelopes them. “No, you can’t go, you haven’t–You can’t–

“C!” I yell. “Sony!” I can’t see them anymore. “Neo!” I run, push through people, and try to get to them before they cross. They can’t hear me. No one can. I beg endlessly. To be heard. To be allowed to follow where they disappear. I call for them again, but it’s as if I have no voice at all.

Before I can even reach the bridge, a force pushes me backward. I stumble, the railing slipping from beneath my fingers. Gravity pulls me down from the sidewalk into the road. A honk amplifies, getting closer. People start screaming.

The last thing I hear is my name as the sun curves over the hood of a car.





empty




Years ago, I fell into the road.

Friction turned my legs to ruinous scrapes, dirt soaking my blood like cotton. Tears stung. The soil mingled with open wounds. I hovered my fingers over the tear in my pants.

That whole day was a tumble. My stomach twisted up. The desire to vomit, to claw at myself was overwhelming.

I had to watch someone die.

I had to listen to her mother scream. I had to see the life fade from her eyes with the person behind their color. She had yet to take her first steps. She was in an era of her life without language. She held her mother’s fingers in fists and became enamored with anything that caught the light.