Burn Before Reading(83)

“So does your face, but you don’t see me complaining about it, do you?”

“Constantly. All that comes out of your mouth is a steady stream of insults about my nose and eyes.”

“You have nice eyes,” I admitted. I felt him go stiff on my lap. “What? I’m sure a lot of people have said that. Can’t I tell the truth?”

“No, it’s just –” He breathed out. “It’s different. Hearing it from you.”

“Different how? Good, or bad?”

“Good.” He asserted. “The best it’s ever sounded. I could listen to you complimenting me forever.”

“Well now, that’s just your ego talking,” I said. “And I’d hate to feed that thing. It’s already massive.”

“With the weight and density of a black hole,” He agreed.

The noise of the music was dulled through the walls, to the point it almost sounded like a whisper. The party itself felt like a far-off dream, like the only real things were in this room, with Wolf and I. I felt like I was in a bubble with him, a space made warm and safe and gentle, something that soothed all the frayed nerves in my head better than the drugs ever could. It didn’t matter that my clothes were soggy and breathing was a little hard. All that mattered was I was alive, here, with someone else close to me to prove it with their body heat and pressure of their whole being. Wolf steadily turned a ring on his hand, and I cleared my throat.

“I never asked you about those rings. Why do you wear so many? Is it, like, a coping mechanism?”

He shrugged. “Sort of. When I wear these it feels like – even if someone approaches me – I’ll be able to defend myself. If someone tries to hurt me again, at least my punch will hurt worse than theirs with all this metal.”

“That….makes a twisted sort of sense.”

“And it takes my mind off the present,” He said. “If I turn a ring, I concentrate less on how close people are to me.”

“So they’re like tiny distractions.”

“Yeah. It’s stupid, but –“

He swallowed, and I smiled.

“Hey, it’s okay. I’m not going to laugh. Much.”

“It’s stupid,” He repeated. “But the more I have of them, the safer I feel.”

“That’s how I am,” I agreed. “With books. Textbooks, actually. About mental health. The more I have, the more I feel like my dad is safe. They’re just words that teach you techniques, and they aren’t really effective without proper training but I still –“

“You still need them to feel okay,” He finished for me. I nodded.

“Yeah. Something like that.”

We soaked in the silence. I was starting to feel more and more, the wonderful-awful numbness of the drug draining out of my body oh so slowly.

“I was worried,” Wolf said, voice hoarse. “That you’d never wake up again.”

“I had a few things left to do,” I teased. “So I decided to come back.”

He didn’t chuckle, or smile at the joke. He just stared up at me.

“Do you know why I tried to take your scholarship away?”

“Because I pissed you off and you’re a naturally petty jerk?”

“Because I was afraid,” He said. “I still am.”

“Of what?”

A shadow came over his gaze. “You.”

My world felt like it was being sucked in by him, like the two green pools below me were pulling all the light from the room and air from my lungs. I forced a nervous laugh.

“I’m not that scary.”

Something shifted in his face – the gentle edges of it hardening, like lava cooling over. It was almost like he realized something. He sat up suddenly, and got off the bed.

“Did I…say something wrong?” I asked.

“No,” He adjusted his cuffs, his pinstripe shirt rumpled from the bed. “I was just finished with trying to touch someone. There’s only so much stimulus I can take before it becomes unbearable.”

“R-Right,” I stammered, thrown off by how business-like his voice was. Impartial. Uncaring. Completely different from the ragged voice of the boy who’d just confessed his darkest past to me not a minute ago.

“Thank you,” He said. “For lending me your services.”

“Um. You’re welcome?”

He nodded curtly, and left through the door, closing it behind him and leaving me a bewildered, still-damp mess. Feeling like I did something wrong somehow, I locked the door and dried my clothes off on a nearby heater, wrapping myself in the comforter in the meantime. Someone had taken my phone out of my pocket, and I tapped on the buttons experimentally. It took a few seconds, but the phone booted up. It shut down immediately when I tried to access my text messages, but with a bit of persuasion I managed to turn it back on and read through the first one quickly before the phone shut off again.

It was Mr. Blackthorn. My stomach dropped.

Bee, I hate contacting you like this, for fear of Fitz finding it, but I thought we had an arrangement to meet tonight, just as we did last week and the week before. Please come to Ciao Bella at your earliest convenience – I will be waiting until the place closes at 12.

Shit, shit! I totally forgot. I was so wrapped in getting out of the house, and the drugs, and everything going on that I completely forgot! Was I okay to drive? I tested it by walking back and forth in a line on the floor, my steps steady. Okay, yeah. I didn’t drink any booze, so I should’ve been fine. I threw my clothes on and raced out of the room, looking for Fitz. I found him upstairs, curled in a corner of a couch with Keri and resting his head on her shoulder dejectedly. Burn threw him dirty looks from across the room. I ran up to Fitz.