Burn Before Reading(81)

“Does it hurt anywhere else?” He demanded. I shook my head.

“N-No. What happened? The last thing I remember –“

I looked over at Fitz, who couldn’t meet my eyes. Wolf’s lip curled.

“Apparently Fitz gave you drugs,” He said.

“I k-know. I asked him for it.”

Burn looked surprised, for once. “You did?”

I nodded. “I couldn’t – my parents are fighting, and I had to get out so I came here. I just wanted to forget. For a little while.”

Wolf flinched. Burn stood up, putting one hand on Fitz’s shoulder.

“We’ll be outside,” He said. Fitz didn’t say anything, or even try to fight it as Burn steered him out of the room. The door closed behind them, and it was only Wolf and I left. I squinted groggily, not sure whether I was seeing Wolf’s face right. There’s no way it could be carved with worry. Not Wolf. Not about me. I reached out, slowly, thinking maybe it would be okay to touch him this once, if I did it slow. My fingers glanced along his furrowed eyebrow, and I pressed down.

“What are you doing?” He asked, and I swear I heard all the fire in his voice die to embers with those words.

“Trying - ” I pressed harder. “ - to make the worry-wrinkles - ” Another press. “ - go away.”

I thought he’d push me off. Definitely. That’s what Wolf would do. But to my surprise he enclosed my fingers with his own, guiding my hand back down to rest on the bed.

“I’m allowed to be worried about you,” He said. He smelled like cinnamon and moonlight.

“You smell good,” I said.

“Don’t change the subject,” He pressed, though his voice remained soft.

“What was the subject?” I wriggled my fingers against his palm, like a happy lizard, or a spider’s legs. “Oh, right. Worrying.”

“You fell in the pool,” Wolf said. “You passed out underwater for – I don’t know how long. Seconds. Ten? Keri saw you and screamed and I came running and –“

His hand tightened around mine.

“I thought you were dead.”

Even through my drug-haze, I felt the heaviness in that sentence. Dying. Dad could be dying. No – I didn’t want to think about that. Wolf’s mom died. He saw it. Dying people weren’t something he wanted to see ever again, probably.

“I’m sorry,” I muttered, shame washing through me. “For putting you through that again.”

“Again?” Wolf narrowed his eyes. “So you know.”

“Yeah. Fitz told me.”

“Fitz has done a lot of terrible things lately,” Wolf sighed.

“Please don’t be mad at him – I asked for the drugs.”

“Yes, Bee, you did. But that doesn’t change the fact you’ve never taken anything like that before and Fitz has. Fitz should’ve known better than to give you something so strong. He should’ve known better than to leave you alone, high, at a party like this.”

I scowled, wriggling my hand free.

“Are you upset?” Wolf asked.

“I’m mad,” I said. “Because you three are always mad at each other all the time. Except Burn. He’s the only one who isn’t mad at you, even if he’s running away, but Fitz is mad at him, and you’re mad at Fitz, and for once I’d like it if you could all just talk about it like grownups instead of ignoring it until it gets bad. That’s….that’s classic evasive tactics 101. The resentment is gonna make communication impossible unless –“

“I’m mad at Fitz because his negligence hurt you.”

“Why would you care? We’re enemies.”

“We’re not enemies,” He exhaled.

“We are! You said we should be!”

“I said -” He twisted a silver ring around his finger. “I said a lot of things I shouldn’t have, to you. About you. I’m sorry. For calling you pathetic, at Seamus’s.”

“Sorry you said it or sorry I overheard it?”

“I’m sorry for saying it. At all. It wasn’t right. And it wasn’t true.”

I studied his face. The drug was wearing off, and things started to feel less good. Thoughts started to swirl in my head, threatening to turn into that awful, screaming tornado of worst-case scenarios.

“So you don’t think I’m pathetic?” I asked finally. Wolf flinched.

“No.”

“Then why did you say it?”

“Because. Because it’s easier to pretend to hate you in front of people, than have them know the truth.”

My heart jumped into my throat. “What truth?”

Wolf spun his ring faster. “I – I have to tell you, about Mark. You deserve to know.”

“Wolf, if it makes you uncomfortable –“

“I had a crush on him,” He blurted. “From the moment he entered the school. I was…drawn to him, in a way I’d never been drawn to anyone before. I thought it was friendship, at first, but the longer we were together, the more I realized –“

Wolf swallowed, his ring a blinding arc of silver catching the low lamplight.

“- You loved him,” I offered. Wolf nodded, just once and hard.