An Uncertain Choice(60)

And what exactly did I feel for him? Was I really in love with him?

It was the same confusing question whose answer had eluded me before. I wasn’t sure how to tell if I was in love with Derrick. I cared about him — ?a great deal. But did I love him enough to risk forsaking the Ancient Vow? Enough to spend the rest of my life with him as my husband?

Perhaps it was time to take a more direct approach with Derrick. We’d grown comfortable enough with each other over the past several nights of talking. Could I not simply ask him what he thought we should do?

Maybe if I looked my best, if I made myself completely irresistible, then he’d have no choice but to bring up the matter himself.

With my heart thudding in anticipation, I made Trudy take extra care with my hair. And when I positioned myself in the chair in front of the great fireplace, I tucked rose petals under my hem, hoping he’d find me especially fetching that night.

I’d worn the crimson gown that the duke had given me on the night of the big dance. The diamonds and pearls sparkled in the candlelight. A few dangling curls hung loose from the mound of curls Trudy had arranged on top of my head.

I prayed that he would be the one to initiate a conversation about love and marriage and what chance the two of us might have for a future together. The mere thought of bringing up such matters heated my cheeks and made me stare at the pieces arranged in perfect rows on the chessboard, ready for another game we’d yet to finish.

The side door of the room rattled, signaling Bartholomew’s approach with Derrick. Trudy already sat in her corner chair, her chin resting on her rotund chest, her eyes closed in slumber. Thankfully, my nursemaid had lost her objection to the meetings with Derrick. It was easy to see why. Derrick was so noble, kind, and considerate that he’d easily won my nursemaid over.

Even though Bartholomew didn’t prevent my meetings with Derrick, he used extra caution to make sure that no one saw Derrick coming in and out of the Great Hall. When he brought up the abbot’s objection, I assured him that I could do what I wanted without the abbot’s permission, especially now that I was only days away from my eighteenth year.

An impatient sigh escaped, and I kept my hands folded in my lap and my eyes trained on them as I waited for Derrick to enter the room.

My heart gave an unexpected lurch at the thought of seeing him. Even though he carried with him the grime of the dungeon, I especially liked the dark stubble on his face, making him more rugged and handsome than he’d been before.

“My lady.” A voice nearby startled me. It wasn’t the expected voice of Bartholomew or Derrick.

I lifted my gaze, confused by the appearance of James and an unfamiliar man behind him. “Why, James,” I said, embarrassment coursing through me at having been caught in my secret meetings with Derrick. How had James discovered my doings? Why wasn’t he asleep with everyone else?

I glanced over to the side door. Though it stood wide open, there was no sign of Bartholomew or Derrick.

“Whatever are you doing up at this hour?” I asked, hoping to divert the men from the room before Bartholomew showed up. “Did you bring me any news regarding the investigation?”

James came several steps closer but eyed the shadows of the room as though he would like to disappear into them. “I’m sorry, my lady.” His large forehead was crinkled in distress. It was then that I noticed another man creeping up on Trudy with an empty grain sack opened wide.

I glanced to the man who stood behind James. He too carried a grain sack. And when he stepped around James and came nearer, something inside me froze. He was one of the hired laborers from the convent, the same one who’d delivered the news about the sheriff’s death.

“James, why are these men here?” I tried to keep my voice from quavering with a sudden burst of fear.

But James had stepped several paces back and dropped his gaze to the rushes strewn about the floor. His broad shoulders shrank inward. “I’m sorry, my lady,” he said softly. “I didn’t want to let them in. But I had no choice.”

My mind struggled to make sense of what was happening. I could only watch with horror as the laborer slipped his bag over Trudy’s sleeping head and cupped his hand over her mouth to cut off any sound she might make when she awoke.

A scream welled up in my chest, but it caught in the tightness of my throat. I pushed back from my chair. But before I could move or force a sound out, the other laborer had closed in on me.

My gaze flew to James, to his hulking body. He was there to protect me, so why wasn’t he doing his job? Instead of answering the question that was surely glaring in my eyes, he slunk back farther.

The laborer grabbed my arm, yanked the bag over my head, and plunged me into frightening darkness. The grain dust lingering in the sack bathed my face and suffocated me. I jerked against him and fought to pull away, but he clamped his hand over the bag, pressing the coarse material against my mouth and nose, forcing me to breathe in the pungent fumes that saturated the sack.

Screams burned in my chest. I twisted and tried to pull free of my captor. But I could feel my body begin to weaken and reality start to fade away.

One last thought sent a rush of panic through me before black oblivion claimed me: I loved Derrick. I knew with certainty I loved him — ?because suddenly I couldn’t imagine how I’d ever live the rest of my life without him.





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