Well Suited (Red Lipstick Coalition #4)(74)

Tommy was already there, his long hair pulled into a knot at his nape. A Tribe Called Quest was blaring, Q-Tip telling us to wipe our feet really good on the rhythm rug as Tommy curled the hand weights in reps.

I knew exactly where he was in today’s workout cycle, and while he finished up, I stretched a little, cracking my neck and flexing my shoulders as I scanned the rack for a heavier load.

He racked the weights and stepped back as I stepped up, squaring up in front of the mirror.

“Punishing yourself?” he joked.

“No,” I lied.

The strain on my biceps agreed with him.

“You’re miserable,” he said.

“I’m fine.”

He folded his arms. “Sure. You look fine.”

I hissed, unable to answer. The sum of my focus was in my trembling muscles.

“There’s got to be another way.”

My eyes darted to his in warning.

“What? This clearly isn’t working for you.”

Nineteen, twenty. I racked the weights, huffing. “Doesn’t matter what I want, does it?”

“The way I see it, it’s a matter of semantics. You both want the same thing, but you’re calling it different names.”

I hung my hands on my hips, glaring at him. “You’re telling me, if Amelia said she didn’t love you and refused to marry you, you’d be content begging for scraps?”

His brows drew together. “No.”

“Exactly.”

“But that’s not who Amelia is. If she refused me, it would be for different reasons than Katherine—it would be because she didn’t want me. Katherine wants you. She just holds issues with the words and constructs.”

I shook my head. “I don’t know how to get past that.”

“That’s because you have an inflexible view of right and wrong. Black and white.”

I snorted. “Please. Have you met yourself?”

“Takes one to know one, Teddy.”

My eyes flicked to the ceiling.

Tommy picked up his weights, shifting to get his feet just right. “Maybe you need to redefine your idea of a relationship.”

“If she doesn’t love me, what possibly could we be doing together?”

“Maybe she loves you but only at her best capacity. Maybe this is the most she can give. Does it matter whether or not she says it if you know how she feels?”

“How can I know how she feels if she doesn’t tell me?”

He gave me a look and curled one weight. “Oh, you know. Don’t lie and say you don’t.”

A noncommittal noise slipped out of me.

“Maybe it’s you who’s being inflexible, not her.” A hiss and a curl. “Can you let it go? Can you let her be with you and care for you however she needs?”

“That’s all I’ve done, Tommy—let her be whatever she needs. This is the one thing I need. How can I live without the thing I want so much?”

His hands lowered, and he turned to pin me still with two words. “For her.”

Anger and longing surged. I shook my head. “It hurts too bad.”

“Worse than not having her at all?”

“Goddammit, Tommy, it’s not that simple.”

He shrugged, unaffected. “Doesn’t seem all that complicated. If you want to be together, it seems like you’re the only thing in your way.”

“I don’t know how to do that. I don’t know how to just pretend like it’s fine that this is all we’ll ever be. It’s like we’re business partners who’ve entered into a merger. So that’s how I’ve gotta treat it. I can’t keep loving her. I can’t stand the pain.”

Sadness shifted behind his eyes. “You’re a stubborn son of a bitch.”

“Takes one to know one.”

That earned me a ghost of a smile. “Just think about it, Theo. Because if you can figure out how to put your fucking ego away, you could have her for good.”

“You don’t know that. She won’t promise me that, so how could you?”

“Call it a hunch,” he said, turning back to the mirror to start up his reps again.

And I waited for him to finish, staring through a spot on the foam floor, trying to find truth in his words. The thought of rolling over, of slipping back into her arms, was almost too much to resist.

I could be whatever she needed. But I didn’t know how much more I could sacrifice when she’d sacrificed so little.

I felt like I was being punished for my feelings, for what I wanted. That if I didn’t hold on to this, I would lose my everything I’d always wanted. I thought through it, considered giving it up. Saw my life without a wife, and although it hurt, it was better than not having her at all.

But a life without love? Without those four letters, that one word that promised me her heart? That was one thing I couldn’t do.

Maybe Tommy was right. Maybe this was the best she could give.

I just didn’t know if it was enough.





27





Queen of Sheba





Katherine 34 weeks, 3 days

The room was a sauna.

Outside wasn’t particularly warm anymore—fall had broken the sweltering heat of summer—and even if it were, the brownstone had been fitted with central air when they renovated.