Well Suited (Red Lipstick Coalition #4)(73)

My jaw flexed. I didn’t speak.

“I know this is my fault. I should have been more clear from the start.”

“And I should have listened.”

Pain shifted behind her eyes. “I have another proposition. I…I know we can’t go back. But what’s happened doesn’t change the fact that we’re having a baby. So we need to find a way to move forward. My first question is, do you want me to leave?”

That split in my heart widened. “No,” I answered with firm certainty. “I don’t want you to be alone. And I want to be here when the baby comes. I don’t want to be apart from her any more than I want to be apart from you.”

The click of her throat as she swallowed. “All right,” she said with a small, shaking voice. “Then we need to figure out how we can be partners again. How we can be friends. I…I miss you.”

“I miss you, too,” I admitted, hating that she was right. I just didn’t know what to do about it.

“What if we make new rules? Rules to help us?”

“What do you suggest?” Hope was my curse. It rose like the sunrise.

“For starters, we need to stop avoiding one another. We need to know we can be around each other without it hurting.”

“But it does hurt, Kate.”

“It does. Won’t that lessen with time?”

“Theoretically.”

“It’s a theory I think we should test. Because even though we’re not together, we’re bound. I don’t want to feel this way, but knowing I’ve lost you as my friend is too much to endure. And I don’t want to go back to being strangers. Do you?”

“No.”

A pause. “Will you start coming home for dinner again?”

My sigh tested the limits of my ribs. “Yes.”

“We can start there. I’ll stay out of your way. It hurts me, too.”

I watched her for a protracted moment. “I hate this. I hate this so fucking much, I can barely stand to share air with you. Because every breath hurts. Every single one, Kate.”

Tears shone in her eyes, clinging to the corners. “I know,” she whispered. “But nothing about us has been conventional, Theo. There is no option to run away. So we have to decide not to. We have to face what we are even if it’s not what we want.” She shook her head, glancing down. “I’m sorry.”

“So am I.”

I couldn’t stand to see her cry, couldn’t stop myself from moving to her side. From holding her, from closing my eyes and burying my face in her hair. From feeling her body against mine and memorizing the sensation, the warmth radiating from her and into me. I couldn’t help myself.

And this would be my greatest challenge.

I swallowed my emotion, swallowed the things I wanted to say. Swallowed my wishes and dreams and kissed them goodbye with a kiss to her forehead. And then I stood.

I had to, or I wouldn’t be able to stop myself.

“Amelia said it would all be all right,” she said, swiping tears from her cheeks. “But it’s hard to believe there will come a time when this doesn’t hurt.”

“It will.”

I said it for her sake. And I said it with the hope that it would come true but without the faith to believe it.





26





Semantics





Theo 31 weeks, 4 days

Three weeks crawled by, and little by precious little, we found a new normal.

It wasn’t any normal I wanted, but it was better than the alternative—life without her.

The progress was slow, peppered with stilted conversations and strained silences. Conversations that systematically avoided painful truths. And somehow, we found a way to be roommates.

Friends seemed almost out of the question.

It wasn’t made easier by the chemistry that still had us under its thumb. Even that morning, as I rinsed my dishes, I could feel her watching me, her gaze heavy with things unsaid. Desire warmed her face. And I still hadn’t figured out how to override the urge to kiss her or the hope that a kiss would wash our pain away.

But it would be a lie, a temporary stay of execution. There was no way to bridge the gap between what we wanted—what we needed.

“The house is voting in The Eye tonight,” she said, dusting crumbs off her hands. “Can we watch after dinner?”

“Sure. If Todd gets off the hook, Barry might lay him out on live television.”

She laughed. “I don’t know why no one is blaming Janet. She’s the one who kissed both of them.”

“As hard as Barry’s been campaigning, I’m pretty sure Todd’s a goner.”

“I think Janet planned it. Todd’s her biggest competition. I don’t trust her.”

I smirked. “You don’t trust anyone.”

“Not true,” she said, picking up her toast. “I trust you.”

That dull ache that had taken up residence in my chest flared. “Well, I’m exceptionally trustworthy,” I joked, drying off my hands. “I’ll see you tonight, Katherine,” I said, fisting my hand as I walked to stop myself from reaching out to touch her.

“Have a good day, Theo.”

I smiled my best fake smile, turning the corner to trot down the stairs, then down again into the basement.